How should I treat the woman my husband had an affair with?

Question

My husband had a brief affair with a younger woman while at an event out of town (I was 32; she was 22.) Husband told me about the affair - lots of ups and downs - but we stayed together. I had to be around the younger woman for a weekend event 2 years later. I introduced myself and was very polite. She said I was "very nice" and she "felt bad" about what happened. I didn't really want her pity - but we got through the weekend.

Fast forward to 3 years later. (Five years after the original affair.) My husband sees her again at another event and they start up a cell-phone/email relationship. I find out about it. **** hits the fan ... but we stay together (again).

Now one year later we are taking a trip to an event that this woman will be at! I don't really want to "be nice" again - even though I know it is my husband (not her) who is the problem. However, the thought of being around her makes me ill! Should I ignore her? Say something catty? Swallow my pride and be nice

Answer 1

You are not required to "be nice" to this woman. The first time that they had a affair, you could give her the benefit of the doubt that she didn't know about you, but the second time, she knew he was married and so the expectation of you being "nice" is out the window.
True your husband is part of the problem, but she is just as responsible for the second go round with your husband.
Don't be nice to her, ignore her. Don't make a scene, that will make you look foolish and immature. Just ignore her, go on like she isn't there. There is no need to make everyone at the event uncomfortable and embarrassed because you want everyone there to know that this woman has little to brag about in the morals category.
The mark of a true lady is to make those around them as comfortable as possible, and by doing any less would be a disservice to yourself. Hold your head up high, and know that you've taken the higher ground and acted as a lady would, not a teenager in a ally cat fight.

I would however keep close tabs on your husband, don't let him out of your sight. I am amazed that you trust him even a little bit. If it was me, I would suggest to my husband that she is off limits and that under no circumstances is he to be anywhere near her and not talking to her at all, even if he was to tell her that her hair was on fire. He should let it burn.

Answer 2

Don't be naughty. Your husband will always be comming in contact with available women. It takes two to tango and you have the influence over one (hubby). He has you figured out. You won't leave. That;'s why he feels comfortable with his dallances in person, on the cell phone etc. You won;t leave (oh I said that already...sorry). You need to have a "come to jesus meeting" with your husband and lay it on the line (oh by the way actually mean it this time). If you find out he's been cheating then it is over...period.

This type of behavior is an "EVI" Eithics, values and Integrity issue. Women will come, offers to have sex will come but the true man will turn thos away and stick to his woman. The boys will of course play around.

CHeck out the following website for this book. It's a guy's book but It talks about ethics and all that good stuff that a woman can use. It also can give you a bird's eye view of a guys pysche.

http://www.condomsbrasandstraightjackets.com/

Good luck

Answer 3

Number 1, you're husband is a total jerk. After the affair he should never have had anything to do with her again.

You however, if you are going to stand by the jerk, don't even acknowledge her. I certainly wouldn't be nice to her after all that has happened. Don't cause a scene either. Just act like she doesn't exist.

If they both make a point to talk to each other and make you feel like crap, I think you could be rather catty. Ask her is she's found anyone not married to spend her time with yet?

Good luck, I'd hate to be in your position. Especially if your husband is the one who is the problem.

Answer 4

You don't have to speak or be nice to anyone that is disrespectful to you and this woman is being just that. She know that your husband is married and also know you, yet she continue to have a relationship with your husband.

My question is the same as Sparkling Apple. Why are you still with this cheating husband of yours. He has no respect for you nor your marriage to each other. He does not want to be in a committed relationship now.

I hope you are not staying with him because of children and you are using that as a crutch to remain with him. I really don't know what reason or crutch you are using by staying with him.

You need to respect yourself, get out this relationship or go to counseling with your husband.

I hope that this has been of some use to you, good luck.

"FIGHT ON"

Answer 5

Because they started up the cell-phone/email relationship without your knowledge - it simply shows that this woman has no consideration or thought or RESPECT where you are concerned. Otherwise, she would have told your hubby to get lost. For this reason alone, I would be very cold and aloof to her and I would get PISSED as all hell if my husband began to talk with her.
Why you are still with him is truly beyond me - but if he is going to disrespect you as well - why haven't you divorced this fool and tried to meet someone who is not such a cad as he?

Right now you strike me as a doormat - you may have a problem with low self esteem - you need to correct that and kick this fool to the curb. Otherwise, he is going to one day bring home a disease to you - and there are some these days which are killers.

You deserve so much better than what you are getting.

God bless and good luck!

Answer 6

i do not comprehend, Eddie. i have under no circumstances been dealt with like a queen by utilizing my husband and that i have not had an affair significant different. i'd anticipate to be dealt with like an equivalent and with understand. that's somewhat overseas to me the conception of a lady with a helpful husband wanting to flow out and characteristic an affair with a sleaze-bag. those women persons could be tousled and must have a psychological evaluation. = /

Answer 7

Bottom line.......they are both liars. And why do you feel you need to constantly swallow your pride?? Do you really think they are considering your feelings for one minute......if it were myself, I wouldn't even go to these events because it doesn't really matter one way or another.....they continue to conduct themselves as if you don't matter anyway. Why be a party to it or a husband like this? We all deserve to be treated with respect and not someones door mat.......we simply do not allow it and put an end to it. If that means leaving, so be it......cheating might not seem quite as appealing when there isn't another to be hurt and made jealous. Good luck!!

Answer 8

Treat her like ****! She knew that your husband was married and she could of backed off! If some guy wants to get with me and i find out that he is married i will make that guys life a living hell and make sure i tell his wife! It is wrong. That girl could of at least had the decency to respect you and backed off. If i were you i would threaten her! And as for your husband! You need to give him a little scare as well! I can guarantee that he will cheat on you again and when he does GET OUT! He will carry on cheating on you because he knows that you just take him back all the time!

Answer 9

She lied to you the first time you met her, if she felt bad she would not have allowed anything to start again, weather he started or not.. now it is personal because she knew you.. I would tell the whore to back off, and as for your husband i would wait til he fell asleep and beat the **** out of him!!!!! But being polite and nice to her is very much out of the question. Make sure she knows you are not playing games with her anymore, give her something to worry about......and give him a leash or a divorce. And i must disagree ,she is just as much of the problem as he is, why would you make an excuse for the woman who slept with your husband...she is a whore......

Answer 10

Can I ask why are you still with this guy? I mean he obviously is attracted to this lady and it seems that she will not be out of the picture until your husband changes his job.

I mean it is your husband who is the problem and you keep going back to him. I mean you can say something to this lady, but what good would it do? It may just push your husband closer to her.

You need to talk to your husband and put your foot up his a**, oh I mean put it down! Make him understand that this is the last time and that he must choose you are her or it is over. Good luck!