Im drowning and i cant get back up
Ive fallen so low
So very deep in love
He thought my heart could tuff out his games
but i knew it couldn't
Now im drowning in every pains
I weint into the depths of love
once it betrayed me,
I couldn't get back and above
NOw i know love isn't sweet... Nothing like a box of chocolates
Cuz my heart was beat
He made me realize what guys are about
.... sex
And tearing your heart out.......
Ive fallen apart
And i can't help myself
Seems like theres no end, or even a place to start
I need someone to help
But how can they if i cant help myself
Love is;hopless,pointles,heartless,meaningless
2006-07-03 16:58:54 · 11 answers · asked by Stephanie w 3 in Arts & Humanities ➔ Books & Authors
I hope writing this helped you over your grieving. It's something personal, for you alone. Sorry, but it's not commercial poetry - ie you couldn't publish it. Poetry is a difficult genre to do well, and even then it's highly subjective, so don't get too low on the negative comments above. I'm sure you'd hate their work too!
Good luck. We guys aren't all bad.
2006-07-03 21:57:53 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
It's good, I like it...very passionate.
I would try to say away from movie quotes..."like a box of chocolates"
And the first line "Im drowning and i cant get back up", if you're drowning you're in water...it doesn't make sense that you can't get back up. You're not on the ground, you're in water.
I do like how you used the theme of drowning throughout the poem. If you could tie more of your feeling to the theme it would be better.
I really liked it.
2006-07-04 00:09:54 · answer #2 · answered by theFo0t 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Eeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwwww!
A good poem should never have a single cliche. This poem is nothing but cliches.
It sounds like a whiney rant and is definately not art.
This is the reason real poets are not taken seriously.
2006-07-04 00:07:51 · answer #3 · answered by j 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Average... But I enjoy the simile:
Now I know love isn't sweet... Nothing like a box of chocolates
2006-07-04 00:05:52 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
It seems like this poem is about wearing your heart on your sleeve and getting it stomped on by the person you loved and trusted most. I like how you put your feelings and emotions in this poem. You are showing a piece of yourself to everyone. Wonderful poem.
2006-07-04 00:05:16 · answer #5 · answered by lucky 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Fair
2006-07-04 00:01:59 · answer #6 · answered by 38C 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Dark...but you can always look elsewhere for love...you find it in the most unlikely places.
Tale as old as time... lead with your head instead of your heart next time...you'll have brighter eyes, and a careful heart.
2006-07-04 00:04:03 · answer #7 · answered by Outman 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well it's emotionally honest and that makes it all it needs to be for you. That's what matters.
Check out some of my friend Kasey's work. http://www.freeopendiary.com/entrylist.asp?authorcode=A434717
Mine is available at www.anglefire.com/punk3/brb but I warn you it's all very old stuff.
2006-07-04 00:08:11 · answer #8 · answered by tirejack 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
ok, I would get rid of the first frase... it sounds like the old lady that says Ã've fallen and I can't get up"... the rest is fine
2006-07-04 00:01:43 · answer #9 · answered by janmarbol 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It doesn't make any sense whatsoever. I guess you got your heart broken and you thought it was such a great poem.....well, it's not!
2006-07-04 00:02:15 · answer #10 · answered by nbinthahouse 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋