Is it a fluke? (read more)?

Question

My very best friend of 3 years and my wife of 5 years -
Then My NEW very best friend of 2 years and my girlfriend of 2 years-
Then my NEW best friend of 5 years and my girlfriend of 4 years.

It sounds insane, but it's true. I'm 39 and my last 3 ladies, over the course of several years, have ran off with or slept with my best friends at the time. I am really frustrated with people and I don't know how to trust anyone.
I haven't had a "best friend" in years now, and haven't even looked at a woman that others might find attractive - for fear of the same thing happening.
Here's my question - I'm sick and tired of my own company, and I want to hang out with guys and work on trucks and stuff, and I want to be with a woman whom I can trust, but I don't know how to get through the wall I have created between myself ans society. What should I do?

Answer 1

That is a very difficult situation to be in. The only "advice" I could offer is to just take things REALLY slow. Get to know some good guys first and get a good feel for weather you can trust them or not...I bet you have a good radar out now for who you can and can't trust. Any "best" guy friend that you had wasn't truly a friend AT ALL. guys don't betray their guy friends like that so really be on the look out for different kids of guys to hang with. Maybe the ones you are naturally drawn to are always guys you really shouldn't be hanging with. It's like the women that somehow always end up in abusive or highly negative relationships...they, at some point, need to retrain themselves to be comfortable around good people.
I think if you are diligent about it, conscious of behavior, and aware you can slowly make the turnaround.
I hope that helps you in some small way...if not at least know that in some small way I feel your pain and wish you the best in life. Take care. :)

Answer 2

Wow, alfa. This is a toughie. I have never experienced something even close to this. I am so sorry that you have had such trouble with relationships.

I completely agree with the previous answerers that your guyfriends and your girlfriends maybe weren't all that good of friends to you if they were looking around. I mean, in the case of your girlfriends, if they were in a good relationship with you, why should they want any other guy? And in the case of the guy friends, why should they disrespect you so much to try to go for a girl that they knew you were interested in? So it sounds like your problem is that you just haven't had good friends of either gender.

One young man that I know has a girlfriend that he just hangs out with for convenience, not really because he cares about her all that much. He doesn't want to be alone, so he hangs on to her despite the fact that they know they're not that serious (they've already broken up and gotten back together a couple of times). I think she's basically doing the same thing with him. In this sort of situation, I could see how easily one or the other person could just go looking elsewhere, and if another available person is around because of a friendship with your significant other... if that's what happened in your situation I would say that you can do better. You should be able to find a girlfriend who is more interested in being with you than she is interested in just being with someone.

Also, you mentioned that you haven't looked at girls that others might find "attractive". I think, by that, you mean "good-looking". Perhaps you should be selecting your potential girlfriend on other characteristics, like common interests and values, rather than on looks. Besides, I believe that people become more attractive when we care about them. I'm also concerned about the fact that your wording doesn't say that you considered your wife or your girlfriend to be your best friend. Does that mean you pick your girlfriend/wife on different characteristics than those you pick your friends on? Maybe that's the issue.

I am so sorry that you have been hurt so much that you don't want to try again. Keep trying. I agree with the other answerers that you can find someone who's a better match for you, so much of a match that they won't keep looking around while they're with you. You are right in bringing up trust; it is about trust. I think that all good relationships involve a lot of trust. Of course that means that you can be hurt by the people that you trust, but the potential benefit of letting yourself be helped by another person and really allowing yourself to be honest with them is worth it. If you feel that you really have issues with trust, perhaps the help of a good therapist or an ecclesiastical leader could help you work them out.

Espero que todo te vaya muy bien.

Answer 3

wow that does sound.... well aweful. Looks like you just need to get back into the dating pool and no matter what not rule out any women, beacuse you never know which one will turn out to be the one youre looking for , the one that can reinstall the trust in the opposite sex. Date around A Lot and see where it goes. DOnt get stuck on one person Until youre sure she will help you out of your current situation... I think the only way to get over somthng like that is date again. date date date. not close up and stay closed up forever...

Answer 4

all you can do it make the leap and hope the nect friend doesnt turn out to be not a friend.

and when u get comfortable enough with him... let him know ur history ... so he knows its a sore spot with u.

trust will be hard, im sure, but be honest.

make the leap. it will be good for u ^^

Answer 5

As hard as it may be you need to take the chance and try to love again. You will never meet anyone worth while if you don't learn to love again and give yourself completly to another person.