When abuse is abuse? how do you deal with unhapiness and hapiness for your kids?

Question

I have 20 months of marriage, about 3 months after we married my husband start telling me all my family's and my bad characteristics and of course telling me all the good characteristics of his family and his ex wife, finally 6 months ago he was in this usual routine when I couldn´t bear it any more and try to slap him I bearly touch his face, so he grab my hair and twist my arm, when he let me go I went to the phone and he push me and close the door then pull the phone cables so I went to my baby's room and locked my self I called the police, then I didn´t hear any noices so I went out he wasn´t there, when the police arrive I decide to not press charges because he has threat me several times with my life or my family's, I have try to hang in there because I love him and I believe he can change, ever since that hasn´t happened, but he keeps putting me down and is controling every aspect of my life even my baby's (ex. he doesn´t let me take her to the pool) what do you think?

My baby loves him so much and that's what makes it hard, to separate a baby of her father I wish I don´t have to do it, I want her to be happy, but I'm very unhappy, last year I didn´t see the leaves change in fall, because I have spend most of my days with my daughter locked at home, I have no friends and ocasionally I can sneak to church, of course the social skills of my baby are very poor because she hardly see others than the two of us, that's why the dr recommended us to take her to a day care, play park or pool so she can see people and kids, but he refuses.

Answer 1

Your baby is still young... Think of what would happen when the baby is older and can understand the abuse. Or if your husband ever got so angry he hit the child. If you won't leave him for you, do it for your baby!! If he is threatening you it isn't healthy. Give your child a chance at a healthy upbringing by leaving. It is a very serious matter, especially if you were so scared you locked yourself in the bedroom and called the cops. Your husband needs help. I grew up with a Dad with bi polar who was either the best dad in the world or the worst ever! My mom always thought she was doing us a favor by staying but now my three older siblings rarely talk to either of my parents. Luckily she was going to leave if he didn't get help, so he did. And he is 100% a different person and I love him. But I have a lot of issues because of everything I went through. Do you want your child to go through that. I am married now with a 9 month old baby, and if my husband ever even threatened me, I'd be gone! Think about it...

Answer 2

First of all no matter what u need to think of the safety of yourself and your child.. this isnt a healthy environment for either of you, and although i understand that you and your child both love your husband, but you both need and deserve a husband/father that isnt a little boy stuck in a mans body and thats exactly what he is.. Biggest mistake you made was not pressing charges, it only gets worse from here , been there done that.. what you need to do, is press charges if it happens again, get a Family protection order against him ( this is a restraining order that will make him have to leave the house and also he'll have to pay c/s during the time he is away from the house) and you can also demand that he gets counseling id ask for family and anger management counseling, MAKE HIM PROVE that he's worthy of being your husband and your childs father, dont put up with it, cause all ur showing your child is that its ok for a man to treat a woman this way.. so if u cant do it for yourself do it for your child..

Good luck..

Answer 3

I truly fear for you and your child. This abuse and threats towards you and your family is most likely caused by his deep ill-content with you and your family. It is just in the beginning stages now. Eventually it will get worse and worse. Your biggest mistake right now is to believe that he can change. The moment a man lays his hands on you the respect and trust is gone in a relationship. Please get out and protect your baby. Believe me, having an abusive father as a direct role model while growing up is completely atrocity.
If leaving him is not an option for you, then have him go to anger management and marriage counseling. This is a pathological problem and needs to be helped by professionals. Though your intentions are pure, I do not believe that you will be able to change him.

Answer 4

It bwon't get better it will only get worse and your beautiful child will be effected even worse. His anger is already effecting your baby and the doctor's are telling you that. He has brainwashed you and distanced you from your family because that is what abusers do. They don't want you to go out because they are araid they might lose control of you and that someone might help you to become strong enough to leave.
You need to leave..........you need to find the strength from within your heart for your child. Stay strong, askl family and friends for support and leave.
The effects of children rom witnessing abuse and living with a controlling angry parent are great. It effects the person that they become and all the relationships that they have in the future.
Pray. I will pray for you. Ask family members for help, if they say no, go to a crisis center, etc.
Do you realize that your baby could be taken from you if his rage gets worse..............you love your child too much to allow that to happen. Your baby needs you.

Answer 5

You are responsible for your child's happiness. If you stay, you are putting yourself and the child's safety at risk. There are places or people you can turn to, your pastor, the police, your family. I stayed in a relationship like that for 15 years, it ended when I had a high powered rifle in my face as my 16 yr old son could on look on in fear. My 3 yr old was sleeping, thank God, and although the little one was recovering from Cancer, I left. It's been 6 long, hard years, but I'm happy and my kids are well adjusted, happy, and healthy.

Answer 6

If you loved and valued yourself you wouldn't stay in a situation that isn't nourishing you. The bad energy you are living in is aging you and making you sick, even if you can't see that yet. It sounds like you have no sense of who you are; that you have lost yourself, you are numb, you are weakened and your spirit has been trampled. Since you have access to the internet I'd say find a support group online for women in abusive relationships. You need support in order to work back your strength and find yourself -- so that you can be happy...as I am certain you deserve.

Aloha

people don't change until they really want to. It is sad to break up your family, but it is even sadder for your child to grow up in a dysfunctional angry home. At least if you didn't live with him, she might have one truly safe place to call home. She's better off without the negativity -- exactly like you are.

Answer 7

Tell him you believe you two need to attend counseling and see what he says. Tell him honestly how unhappy you are. If he truly cares about you, he will recognize that you are unhappy and be willing to do things to change the situation. If he shrugs you off and is not willing to do anything to make the situation better, then you have your answer. You will know then that he's not willing to do anything to make the relationship better, or even acknowledge that you are unhappy.

If you do decide to leave, you could suggest to him a temporary separation to see what will happen. During that time you could see how willing he is to work on the relationship.

I know you want to stay for your child's sake, but take into account how resilient children can be. Your child will be fine. It is more damaging to your child to grow up watching his/her mother be controlled and abused.

Answer 8

Though I do not know how long have you met your husband before you tie the knot it seems to me that there is no chemistry between your family and him. There is a saying "A husband must not only loves you and take care of you as his wife but also towards his in-laws". My friend, you have not only been physically but mentally abuse as well when he disrespect your family. Do not let depression begins in you. Glad to hear that you attend church so why are you waiting for? Go and find your cell leaders, pastor talk to them! Our Father will never leave HIS child in suffering for HE will take the suffering! Having a child is your responsibility too. So please gather your courage, give her the best and guide her through this period of time. Having a husband like yours is bad enough, do you want your child to be affected too? Please think of her future and yours too..... There is a bright future ahead of you and bear in mind... your child is the pillar of all!

Answer 9

this is so sad u have to find the strength u have deep down within u and walk away do it for the child's sake save her stop thinking about yourself and how much u love him and want it to work yes we all want the happily ever after but we dint get it always u need to seek some of kind of safe haven a women's domestic abuse hot line number in your state where they can give u shelter and protection from him dint allow your child to go threw the abuse she deserves better be strong for her defend her in many ways and actions start by giving her the life she deserves she must play with other kids go to the park and kiddie parties and Prue school she must do things that all kids her age are doing and you need friends as well so that you can have someone to talk to when you need to get things off your mind listen go look in the mirror and repeat to yourself I'm beautiful I'm strong I'm a woman i did no wrong i deserve to be loved keep repeating this everyday and go get help

Answer 10

any form of abuse is un-called for in a relationship/marriage this is something you do not have to put up with and don't deserve
as your child grows up he/she will start to notice these attacks on you and your family i think it's best not to have a child around these sorts of situations, children learn their parenting skills from their parents and this is obviously not the way you want your child behaving as they grow up
your child may even end up speaking to you this very same way

think of yourself and your child's future you are the one in control no one else (don't forget that) you decide what is best for you and your baby
you could talk to him about this explain how it makes you feel and that you don't like what has been happening and see if he changes
remember your family is always there for you no matter what

you said you slapped him for the way he spoke about you and your family he deserved this
you didn't deserve what you got

i feel sorry for has happened to you not all males are like this
good luck i hope it all works out for you and your child