should I be mad at him or am I being selfish?

Question

My husbands aunt is ill. Him and his mother went down to see her. We are in the midst of moving across country, dealing with lawyers for my daughters fathers crap, realtors bad contractors etc. He knows I have been very stressed and depressed over all that. And we have 2 small kids. He went down to see her one last time and support his mother. But he chose to stay for 5 days to fly back with his mother cuz she does not like to fly alone. Also his mother has 6 siblings down there to be with. Is it selfish of me to be pissed at him for staying 5 days when we, in our family, are going thru such a stressful time? That he couldn't stay for 2-3 days, or even ask if I minded him staying the whole week before he committed to it. Just cuz his mother wanted to stay that long - he had to as well? I feel slighted. Not mad that he went, just that he is staying for 5 days and did not think about what is going on in HIS family and with me for one second. He'll say I'm selfish, what do you say

Answer 1

Sounds like a guy that cares about stuff. Consider yourself lucky. Be pissed anyway and make him tell you he loves you.

Answer 2

Cut the guy some slack If he is Close to His Aunt Then He might wanted to be with her. I know i have An Aunt Who Lived Not Far From me Me and her were and still are really close. But now she moved a cross country so I only see once a year if that but talk to her almost everyday. If anything would happen to her I would want to do the something so give him a break he loves his Mother which Is good And His Aunt

Answer 3

I DO UNDERSTAND HOW YOU FEEL, AND YOU MUST BE A LOVELY CARING PERSON, BECAUSE YOU ARE QUESTIONING THIS,

YOUR HUSBAND NO LONGER LIVES WITH HIS MOTHER, YOU ARE HIS LIFE AND YOU HAVE HIM EVERY DAY,,,,,,,,

I THINK THAT THAT JUDGEMENT CALL WAS NOT TO SLIGHT YOU,, I THINK
IT WAS FOR THE FAMILY, HIS MOTHER , AND HIS AUNT, AND REMEMBER HE HAS FEELING FOR ALL THOSE PEOPLE,,,
WHEN HE MARRIED YOU, HE WAS NOT TO THROW AWAY FEELINGS FOR PEOPLE (family) OR ANYONE HE LOVES BECAUSE HE HAS GONE ON WITH HIS LIFE, LOOK AT IT LIKE THIS, HE LOVES YOU ,,"ALONG " WITH HIS
FAMILY, NOT INSTEAD OF, IT SOUNDS LIKE YOU ARE GOING THRU HELL AND STRESS, BUT HANG ON, THE FIVE DAYS WILL PASS QUICKLY, BE KIND, AND LOVING, HE IS GOING THRU THE SAME STRESS AND THE FAMILY STRESS,,
YOUR HUSBANDS AUNT MUST BE SERIOUSLY ILL FOR THEM TO TRAVEL,
AND STAY ETC,, SO AS HARD AS IT IS, AND EASY FOR ME TO SAY,, BE A GREAT SUPPORT SYSTEM,, THAT IS YOUR JOB, BE STRONG FOR HIM NOW, AND ONE DAY, ASK HIM TO BE STRONG FOR YOU WHEN YOU HAVE SERIIOUS NEEDS,,, LOVE IS NOT EASY,, I AM A LOVE FLUNKEE, AND YET I KNOW MY ERRORS, I AM SO SORRY FOR SO MANY, I HURT AND LET DOWN, NOW I AM ALONE AND SEE CLEARLY "MY PART" of my FAILURES,

I WISH YOU THE BEST OF LUCK WITH ALL THE TASKS IN YOUR LIFE, JUST GIVE YOURSELF A BREAK,, DO THE BEST YOU CAN,,, WHAT IS THE WORST THAT CAN HAPPEN,,,? IT WILL ALL WORK OUT, YOU ARE NOT SELFISH, YOU ARE JUST OVERWHELMED, YOU MAY BE DOING THE JOB OF BOTH OF YOU,, BUT IT WILL PASS IN A FEW DAYS, I WOULD IF YOU TREASURE YOUR LIFE, AND WHAT YOU HAVE ,,"RISE UP TO THE OCASSION AND BE SUPERWOMAN,, AND SUPERWIFE, AND SUPERUNDERSTANDING,,...AND IT WILL MAKE EVERYONE INVOLVED FEEL BETTER GOOD LUCK,, KEEP COOL,, YOU CAN DO IT,,

Answer 4

Your feelings are justified, yet he feels torn ... he was damned if he did or didn't. The stress levels seem over the top here. Since there's no way to go back and change what's already happened it's probably wise to just let it go so that you both have enough strength to deal with your impending move. You need each other right now, especially with 2 small children, and this would be the absolute worst time to fight amongst yourselves. The remaining days will pass quickly, you'll both survive, and in comparison this will seem like a minor incident when you look back. Trust me.

and ignore idiots like "chels" who will probably never have to deal with the strains of relationships and family. Name-calling on this site is SO stupid, and I apologize on her misguided behalf.

Answer 5

i'd feel the same way as you, but also with men alot of the times their mom is the world to them. i don't think you're being selfish but what would you do in that situation. i don't know how close he is with his aunt or his mom but if he's really close with both then it's understandable. five days will go by fast and just make sure to talk to him while he's there and tell him how you feel. just don't yell or get upset because that'll just make him mad too. i'd be the most mad that he didn't ask if it would be okay with you. communication is the biggest part of the relationship and you guys should probably have talked about that before he left.

Answer 6

The issue here is communication, not selfishness. He probably couldn't or wouldn't tell you, but I'd bet that he stayed so long to be away from the stress at home - and you might be resentful because you sense that but won't say it.

Working through something like that is hard, because typically people don't feel safe in saying things like this to their mates. Think about it - if he told you he had to get some time and space away from you, you'd probably flip out! Of course, with time and distance you'd recognize that your flipping out only deepens the cycle of poor communication, but it's hard not to let your reaction take over in the moment. The same goes for him, by the way; he probably flips out from time to time and leaves you feeling that it's not safe to communicate.

So, the challenge for the two of you is to step outside of the circumstances and have conversation about what you're both committed to for the future of your marriage. That's called "creating a context," and without that, you don't have much to hang on to when stress rises. Think about what you want in your marriage, focusing on a positive vision of the future (in other words, DON'T talk about what you want NOT to have, like, "I want a marriage without argument" or something like that). Start from that, and keep at it.

Remember that people, just like organizations, evolve in the direction that they are focused on. Create a positive vision of the future and you will move toward that vision naturally when you're focused on it. If your focus is on the negative, you'll get more of that.

Good luck.

Answer 7

It's not selfish to want your husband to be beside you in your time of great stress...but maybe you should carefully consider the fact that maybe he needed a break from the stress at home. Sometimes stress needs a break in order to make sound judgements. Many mistakes are made when they could have been avoided just by taking a break. If she passes on after you flare up at him you will be the one to feel bad, not him.

Answer 8

No, he was a little selfish.I understand his mother is afraid to fly,however she had other members of her family she could have flew back with. On the other hand he may have felt obligated because he flew down with his mom in the first place.Its a tough call because in a marriage the mother is in essence " the other woman".Especially with men.He was being pulled in two different directions and should have made a better judgement call.

Answer 9

Well, selfishness comes in different flavors.

For the sake of brevity, I think you may BOTH be demonstrating different degrees of selfishness - him for seemingly staying without inquiring how you felt about it, and you for presuming a host of motives and slights on his part without talking to him about it first.

Tell you what, maybe you're both better off if you actually try to talk about it. He may have no idea just HOW stressed you are, or how you're intepreting his decision - and you may have no idea how he's really feeling and why he decided to make this decision.

Commit to hearing each other out, without pointing fingers or making accusations. Then figure out where you both stand.

My 0.02, hope it goes well for you.

Answer 10

Life is way to short to be angry about something like this. Weather he has other siblings or not,she is still his mother. And how do you know if he thought about you or not. Sounds like you want to be mad at him anyway. Talk to the man,don't play kid games. Tell him how you feel and take it from there. If something was to happen to your man how would you feel? Concentrate on the good stuff and talk about what bothers you like grown-ups.

Answer 11

Yes, it's selfish. It sounds like he is trying to do the right thing for his mom, and when he gets home to you there will be he!! to pay for it.
What is it that you are mad about? That he didn't get specific permission from you? That he left while you were having issues? Did you talk about it before he left or is this one of those mind-reading events that he failed?