My son is almost 20 and I need help, please.?

Question

His mother will not stand up to him and will not let me. His grades in college are bad, he plays music and watches movies all of the time and recently got arrested for smoking pot. He does not return my calls and is very rude. What can you do with a guy that age and going down the wrong road. It breaks my heart and he is ruiniing my family life.

We are not divorced and he lives on campus. I have coached his teams and tried to stay close to him his whole life. He has gotten his way most of his life because my wife is an enabler. I was raised putting myself through college and have been successful financially. He is spoiled, no question, by my standards but his mother looks at it like he is just finding his way. I don't feel that he can find what he is not looking for.

Answer 1

Who pays the bills? When my daughter's grades started to slip, we told her what grade average we expected for the following semester. She let the grades slip even more and we told her that 50% of the funding would be cut off--if she wanted to continue in school, she would have to come up w/ the difference. She dropped out thinking she would rather work. After two years struggling, she is back in school working her butt off and making excellent grades.

The real problem for you, however, is what do you do to get your wife on board to deal w/ your son? Would she agree to tightening the purse strings if your son does not improve?

Answer 2

I have a friend that is exactly like this. If his family won't take the initiative (and if you care) you and friends will have to do it. A good way would be to turn up to his house and do an intervention type thing. Don't be too nice, tell him exactly what you think or it won't work. Failing this it is a long haul. Start by making sure he gets up at a normal time in the morning. Keep the guy busy, make him study with you, clip him upside the back of the head if he gets too sloppy (not hard, just a "wake up to yourself" tap). If he is sitting around smoking weed all day the main thing is to keep him busy. If he uses the excuse that he can't sleep, make him excersize and go with him for support. I might sound harsh, but to eradicate behavioural problems it does take an amount of abrasive action.

Answer 3

Well first of all you need to reflect and look back over the years.... Have you and your wife conditioned your son to be this way? Irresponsible, lazy, and nonchalant. I'm 23 and when I graduated high school at 17 I left my mom's house and was on my own, however, I still yearned to be back home under my mommy(she's the best) So I can empathize that being an adult can be scary. But everyone has to leave the nest even if you have to come back you have to leave. I f you havent raised him this way then do what black parents do. By his butt a one way ticket somewhere and tell him to sink or swim. lol. And if he has to survive on his on... He WILL DO THAT AND MUCH MORE! GOOD LUCK

Answer 4

First of all,you are allowing this. He is doing things because he has always been able to do what he wants from the sound of it. There seems to be no respect,for the family or for himself. I would set a time limit for him to get his stuff together(grades up,etc) and stick to it. It might be hard but if he doesn't want to better himself then tell him you love him but that he is on his own now. I am sure he could get a job if he tried and he had to. As for your wife,I bet she doesn't think he is so cute now does she? You both are responsible for his behavior. Once you two get it together,he will have to. He cannot prevail against a united front.

Answer 5

Ben, My son went through the same think at that age in life. The only difference is that his grades were always good. I'm guessing from you answer that your son lives on campus, or you and your wife are divorced. In any event, I would recommend that you continue to be there for him, let him know you love him, and let him make his own mistakes. It worked for me, and my son and I are now best friends, and he is in his third year of law school ! Good Luck

Answer 6

If he is an adult in age he is considered an adult. You may have to let him take his lumps the hard way... Your wife (Please No offense is intended here) is wrong in that your son needs to grow up and she cant protect him forever... When you both have passed on, where will he be? How will he cope with life? If your son is screwing up and "wont change" then you have 2 chooses have him leave and take his problems elsewhere or you can intervene in your sons life whether your wife likes it or not and force the issue... I have a reminder to you of something that you might not want to hear... When your son finally leaves home for good who are you left with? Your spouse! and she has you, if neither of you can deal with your son in an adult manner then your son needs to leave and let you and your wife grieve for a "dead or non-entity Son" and get on with your own lives. He will either change his path or not, and if he wont you cant change him now!

Answer 7

He is trying to find himself... but there should be a limit...Let him know that if his grade do not improve...you'll stop paying for him to go and that he will have to get a job so he can he can apply for finacal ad on his own.. You and your wife work hard for your money ( not his) to improve his future, and your investment should stop there, If he doesn't benift from the chance at a better life that you and your wife are trying to give him.as for the music and movies all the time... I'm sure you have a cicuit breaker in you home. find the one that's his and flip it off. Also maybe the reminder that the next time he winds up in jail for drugs or what ever ...you will not be the one to bail his butt out.... his friends can. they got money for drugs... they got money to bail each other out... Sorry Ben, It just makes me mad that this happens.....Yeah tough love works

Answer 8

Put your foot up his ***! I mean it! Make him get out on his own for a while! (if he lives with you) Tell mom to get somewhere and sit her little butt down too! I am 22 and if I acted like that (even being 22) toward my family, my dad would backhand me so quick its isn't even funny! That's whats wrong with my generation! We don't need you to be our "friends". We have enough friends! Be a parent! If more parents would have been beating some butts (instead of being scared, and that is what that is called, being scared) when we were growing up, we wouldn't have all this crap going on around us now! You wouldn't see as many lazy, good for absolutely nothing, spoiled 20-somethings as you do now!

Answer 9

Ben, you are the authority of the household. It's your job to set the pace in your family. It shouldn't be your wife's job to discipline your son. If he lives at home, it sounds like he either needs to respect you both with you laying down some ground rules, or there needs to be some kind of consequence. Basically, he needs to know that he is loved and loved enough to be set boundaries and disciplined. Everyone needs boundaries and direction from their father. It doesn't matter if he is 20 and legally an adult - you both are his parents. It's not too late -

Answer 10

Your wife is a classic enabler, and your son is a manipulative free-loader. You seem to have some sense here, so stand up to BOTH her and him. Take control of the situation; tie the purse-strings until he gets his act together. Tell him that he you love him and will not condone his behavior by supporting his self-destructive lifestyle.

It's called tough love -- better late than never!