Does anybody else feel like a fraud, or is it just me?

Question

I wake up one day and I see my life and it seems like I am living somebody else's life. I feel like a fraud, ashamed that somebody might discover the true me and "expose me"...I wish they did and explained to me who I am. I feel lost, out of place and looking for a new path in life.

Don't get me wrong; I'm 30 years old, have a steady yet not perfect job, a beautiful wife that I adore and two amazing kids that are my sole purpose in life...you could say I am very lucky. WHICH MAKES IT EVEN HARDER TO FEEL THE WAY I FEEL. Please, comments and answers will be welcome and appreciated. Peace!

Answer 1

Yes, I've felt the same way most of my life. I am 37, I have a wife and kids as well, and a steady (though not terribly interesting) job, and people who care about me.

My head is swimming right now with what I could say on this, and I wish I had room to put it all here.

If you had a dysfunctional family growing up, this can contribute to the "I'm a fraud and everyone must see it, because I see it," syndrome.

I still don't know quite "who" I am, because I have always been the responsible child who always does the "right" thing. My intellect has dominated my feelings for so long I'm not sure what I even want half the time -- I either feel numb or ambivalent.

I am also a very intuitive communicator and find myself emulating the people I talk to, in order to better communicate with them; being a chameleon means I'm not quite sure what my stable identity is when I am alone. As soon as I get around others, I find myself adapting outwardly.

So I think I understand how crummy and empty you must feel right now.

--- [later]

As far as exposing the "inner you," I attended a spiritual development retreat with Larry Crabb (Christian counseling) a few years ago. The last day, we had a banquet after which people could get up and say what the week meant to them.

I didn't plan to say anything. I didn't know what to say, and I usually feel as clumsy in speech as I feel competent when writing.

Then I got that stupid "vibe" that I've come to recognize as God telling me to do something (sort of like the "calm jitters" if that makes any sense -- I am compelled to something, despite not knowing what exactly to do) -- he wanted me to get up and talk.

I did. I went up front. I stammered and fumbled (to me) my way through some comments and was very honest about the week and where I was. I felt like a fool afterwards... so much that I literally wanted to crawl out of the room and hide my face when I was done. I felt exposed and ashamed.

Later, one of the participants there out of the blue told me he really appreciated what I said, and how it moved him... encouraging him to be honest as well. I was floored. What I took as embarrassing self-revelation and complete incompetence was perceived by him (and some others who talked to me) as true, open, honest, real.

I guess the point is that there are parts of you you've no doubt hidden or fear to show, because people might reject those parts of you. This causes a lot of disturbance, if you have integrity and want the outer and inner to be the same. Hiding yourself also puts walls/distance between yourself and your family and others, relationally.

You can afford to be honest about who you are and where you are at, what you desire in life, and so forth... even if some of it is not very pretty. This is why you feel like a fraud, somewhat: YOu know there is stuff in there that people on the outside do not seem to know.

Sometimes people will reject you, true, when you reveal those darker parts; but it doesn't change the fact that you need to be yourself in order to be truly known. And many times, people are far more accepting of us than we are of ourselves.

There's an ideal self that you no doubt have of yourself. It's the "you" you wish you were and think you can be. The ideal self wants to supplant the "real self." It puts down the realistic you as unworthy. You can't live up to the idealized self and will die trying. You must somehow uncover and embrace the "real" flawed self.

(Sorry, I know that's vague, but it gives you a direction, perhaps.)

Answer 2

My pastor at church was talking about this a few weeks ago. He said men have been conditioned from an early age to appear strong and not show weakness. By the time they reach your age they have the act perfected. You' ve been doing it for so long you don't know anything else but you're terrified someone will see through it and you'll become less in their eyes.
A lot of young men commit suicide because of this. You need someone you can really talk to. You know your wife, is she the type to understand and try to see you through this issue? You could get professional help or make a friend on the net, either way they won't judge you because they don't know you.

Answer 3

There may be multiple issues here. The first, I suppose, is what the title of the question is about--that you feel like you're covering up something that you fear others will uncover eventually. To reconcile that I feel you'll have to figure out (or admit) to yourself what it is that you're hiding from others and find a way to come clean with it. (I'm assuming you want to based on your question. But there are many people who go through their lives concealing things.)

The second issue (or secondary issues) is/are with feeling lost, out of place, and looking for a new path in life. These seem to be more typical symptoms of the proverbial mid-life crisis that I've been hearing about. Finding a purpose and/or a cause to devote yourself to that is greater than yourself seems to be a good place to start.

Answer 4

I really think that you are dissatisfied with something in your life. If it's not your wife and children [whom you seem to adore] then it's your job.
Or perhaps you need to spice your life up a bit - put a bit more fun in it. You say that your kids are your sole purpose in life - just remember that they will grow up some day - so you're going to need something to fill that empty space.
Take a vacation - get a 'hobby' - whatever it takes to get your mind off the way you feel, because truly, too much thinking and analyzing can be really bad for you.

Answer 5

I think everybody feels a little lost at times throughout their life. That is just life for ya. Nobody has all the answers and nor do you need them all. If you are into reading at all, I will suggest a book that has actually been very enlightening for me and has made my daily living a much better experience. "Beyond the Broken Gate" by Charles Graybar. If you are open minded, this book could help you find out "who you are"

Answer 6

well, i too feel the same as you do. Im always afraid that people are judging me for who i am. I feel that theyre just like vultures ready to pick my bones clean. im 22, married, no kids yet, beautiful wife thats wonderfull to me, i make about 80k a year and im still getting raises and bonuses all the time, but its still there.... the fear of judgement of others. and what i've done over the years is hold people to specific standards and if they broke them then i didnt know them anymore. i would begin to loathe them for stupid reasons that are still unknown to me this day! but although i still feel the same way, i still have the hapiness ive attained from myself, my wife, my family. although im not fully happy with my life, im still a little happy. im what they would say a content socially challenged manic depressive lol. the one fact of the matter is that although im not always happy, im happy sometimes and some hapiness is better than none, is it not? i dont know what to say about your feelings of fraud and fear of being discovered as one or being judged by others seeing as im still dealing with the same problems.... but i can offer my condolences. but just remember that even if they do think your a fraud, it still doesnt change the fact that theyre a bunch of damned dirty morons! the whole lot of them!

Answer 7

sorry iv never felt that way i feel if people cant take the real me just get out of my way and look out iv always spoke openly about me and my life never conformed to others ways im a take me as i am person try talking to your wife about the way your feeling she should have some in sight as to what your going through we usaly do good luck

Answer 8

no...it's just the way the government has people conditioned...they don't want you to see the REAL you the way God has intended....they're too busy stealing oil for the final world war......