I have been in abusive marriages in the past. My boyfriend was also abused by his ex. We're both afraid of repeating past mistakes. We are quite committed to making this relationship work, but every once in awhile he or I will do or say things that causes "red flags" to go up. These are just knee-jerk reactions to past relationship behaviors. We love each other & care about one another deeply, but we're still a bit gun-shy when it comes to making a legal commitment. Still, it would be nice for us to take that step, eventually. How can we get over the past & learn to trust that this is not like any other relationship & that we're going to be OK?
2006-07-03 05:06:39 · 17 answers · asked by Kat_Christ 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
I think I can offer unique perspective on this situation. My fiance' and I have been together for 5 yrs now. We both have been married before and were both victims of abuse from our former spouses. It has taken us a long time to get though the pain and trauma that our past left upon not only us but our children from our previous marriages. Yes, there are many times where 'red flags' would pop up. This is normal when you've been a victim of abuse. What we've learned over time and you will to is to see each day and each situation that you face as a new challenge not a way to revisit the painful past. The person you are with now is not your ex and even though your ex did terrible things, that is not the person you are with now.
What you have to realize is that you have to face the pain and get past fear that it will happen again and learn to trust yourself and the person you're with. Believe me it's a long road but if you love the person you're with it will happen in time. It took us a long time and we've been engaged for over 3 yrs. Just because you're together doesn't mean that you have to rush into getting married again..especially if you're not ready. And you can be committed to each other without the legality of marriage. It has to be all in your own time whatever the two of you want and what you're ready for.
On a personal note...there are happy endings. Our wedding is is 19 days! And I've never been happier!
2006-07-03 06:05:52 · answer #1 · answered by ravenelf725 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I suggest setting aside some time to talk with eachother in depth. If you don't set aside some time, your answers to eachother's questions might be snippy and hurried.
I then suggest that you both seek therapy together. You're probably both kind people that weren't able to see the hurtfulness of your previous partners until it was too late. But....everyone has a nasty side, and you don't want to read more into having a tuff day/week/situation than is necessary. You could cut yourself off from eachother or over assert yourself due to fear that you've made the mistake of being with an abusive person again, when that doesn't sound like it's the case.
Read some books together about better communication and the typical manifestations of bad behavior for both men and women in relationships.
You might be surprized that you might be able to put up with someone who is 1/2 as bad as your EX, if he/she is willing to fix that side of themselves (and has a potential of doing so).
2006-07-03 12:20:55 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
You do this by realizing that relationships are risky but it is by being willing to take that risk that we truly open up ourselves to experiencing true love. Right now you are both holding back from each other out of fear. You are essentially letting your past relationships still control you. You seem to have a good relationship going but you will never know truly what can be till you take a chance on each other and on marriage once again. Remember, you relationship together is unique and can't be defined by your past or anyone elses relationships.
2006-07-03 12:38:14 · answer #3 · answered by rkrell 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You all both need to forgive YOURSELVES for past hurts and realize and increase your individual self-worth. Since you are already living together, some of the mending of the broken pieces inside of you can take place in some candid conversations. You are giving your ex'es power they do not deserve. You are both dragging that baggage around willingly allowing it to affect the lives you both truly deserve. People are HUMAN. Love conquers all disagreements, conflicts and shortcomings. You aluded to red flags...are these deal breakers? If so... you all may need to consider parting. I think shacking up is a lack of trust...not trusing time, destiny, God and yourselves enough to do the right thing. Start from where you are and learn about forgiveness. Read the bible together. If you are not believers, find some foundation that you both agree upon and be honest firstly with yourselves and then with one another about 1. What you want 2. What you need 3. What you are willing to fight for. You can have what you deserve. Do not settle and no longer continue to let your ex husband and his ex wife reap the rewards of evil. Take back power for yourselves and the future you deserve whether together or apart.
2006-07-03 12:16:04 · answer #4 · answered by Sleek 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Look at your past relationships,did you learn anything about getting along with the person you were with?If you were both being abused you both know how to do it and how it makes the person feel from it.Noone is perfect , we all have something the other doesn't like.But after you make a mistake you have to be able to say you are sorry. Talk about what caused you to do what you did , so you both know why the person does the things they do.
2006-07-03 12:25:57 · answer #5 · answered by Randy P 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It sounds like there needs to be some healing and mending of broken hearts from the past and those things are in the both of you and coming back out at times so I think maybe go to a Pastor who is really preaching the Word of Christ from the Bible and who can help in the healing process so that you can be married and love one another but we also need to know that it is never easy relationships are so much work but because of your Love you will make it just be strong and let the healing process begin...be blessed and just be encouraged but do it right...
2006-07-03 12:10:53 · answer #6 · answered by most_sincere_1 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Don't trap yourself in a marriage to start with.
If it's good you don't need a piece of paper that says if it goes bad you're stuck with it!
Getting over hurt, and abuse isn't easy, if (and when) it happens it'll take time and patience along with an open communication of your feelings.
Red flags are red flags...don't ignore them just because you like each other either...sometimes you're seeing that same thing but it's small now...it may get bigger later...all I'm meaning is not to ignore the obvious because you're trying to avoid reacting out of past circumstances and repeating past mistakes....
Keep communicating honestly and respecting one another and you can get past anything I believe.
2006-07-03 12:19:10 · answer #7 · answered by Noelani 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Why don't you just get engaged. The first person is right it is just a piece of paper. Remember as long as you are happy you don't have to be married. One of my friends has been married 15 years but they can't live with each other cause they hate their habits, but they love each other very much. You can make things work. Don't rush take it slow and just enjoy each other. Your love is all that you need.
2006-07-03 12:11:43 · answer #8 · answered by sexylilgirl_idealmgf 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
living together is no safe guard ---- against being abused ---
You should never move on to another relationship until you are healed and ready to commit ---- right now you both have baggage that you all haven't even dealt with ---- that's why you both are having issues with getting married ---- a good relationship happens when the people involved have resolved past issues, healed and are ready to give love another try....
2006-07-03 12:19:32 · answer #9 · answered by jaimestar64cross 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If you are happy with eachother as you are then why add the pressure of making it legally binding. Go for a ceremony of commitment without the legal issues of marriage.
If in years to come you feel more comfortable with the idea, then make your plans when the time is right.
Good Luck.
2006-07-03 12:10:00 · answer #10 · answered by Treat Infamy 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋