Keep Baby? Husband not the Father....?

Question

I really need some help making a decision. I am 37 yrs. old and I had a 1 night stand and I am pregnant. I have 3 kids w/ husband who has a vasectomy. I am pregnant (1 month). My husband has been very abusive, berating me, addiction to porn, ignoring me, alcoholic, etc. and I have been thinking of leaving a long time ago but I don't have the finances to support myself and 3 kids (8,7, and 5). The 1 night stand guy is begging me to keep it. However, when I look in my kid's eyes I am so scared of the pain they will feel if I tell them that we're divorcing and I am pregnant w/ another man's baby. I don't have any feelings for the 1 night stand. I am so scared and I really don't know what to do.....Please advise as it will help me make a better decision.

Answer 1

If you don't want to keep the baby, then you put him/her up for adoption.

If your husband has always been this way, maybe it is best to leave. Kids don't need to see a parent get abused.

Answer 2

You should definitely keep the baby. Maybe becoming pregnant through a one night stand is your turning point. If there is a time to make a change in your life it is now. Being married to a man like the one you are married to will only lead you to an early grave. You say that you don't have the finances but don't you have family that can help, I am sure that someone could help you. Your kids may be upset about you getting a divorce but I am sure that a healthy environment will be better for them in the long run! I pray that you make the right decision and make a commitment to take control of your life.

Answer 3

Ok. You had a one-night stand. UNprotected. So you made a mistake. Everyone makes mistakes, right?
That does NOT make you a bad person, you have merely made some bad choices.
The question is, what is the right thing to do.

If your husband has been really abusive to you, you really should be leaving him anyway, period. NOBODY deserves to be abused, physically OR emotionally. It would be a good idea to leave before he GETS physically abusive. Go to a safe house. Your social services departments can advise you where they are.

You can get financial help as a single mother. Rightnow you are just SCARED. Your husband WILL be required by law to help support your children, and you CAN get a job eventually to support yourself.

Your children WILL adjust to their new facts of life.
Perhaps you will end up in a new, FAR better relationship.
Meantime, just remember that you are a human being, worthy of being loved and cared for, and you must NOT tolerate abuse.
Good luck with your new life. The SOONER you move the better.

Answer 4

Sounds like this child is just helping to show you how bad life really has gotten. If you give up your child, you'll have alot of questions from the older two kids. I wouldn't reccomend abortion, but its not my life. I do know that getting away from him is better for you and your children, irregardless of a 4th child. You need to check about shelters for abused women, or seeing if any family member could help you out for a few months. Or start divorce proceedings, get a job, and get a restraining order to keep him away. You might not have feelings for the other man, but he is now a part of your life. At least with your kid's ages, the older 3 will be in school as of the fall. Do what you think is best, but please don't stay with him just because you are scared. Its a horrible way to live your life. If you left him, you could get child support, state medical assistance, food stamps, maybe state assisted child care while you work, and possibly government assisted housing. Its hard to get help, but asking for help is better than being abused

Answer 5

I think you really need to do some soul-searching.

Your children are watching the way you and your husband interact. They see right now you accepting a situation in which you are de-valued as a wife, as a mother, as a woman, as a human being. What are your children learning from this?

Do you have any relatives that you could stay with for a short time? Hopefully you have a supportive family, and if not, you could locate a women's shelter in your area.

As to the one-night stand, what sort of support is the father offering? Would he be able to assist you financially?

Only one person knows the correct answer to this question: you. So all I can really say is, be the person that you would want your children to look up to as a role model.

Answer 6

i was in the very same situation 25 years ago -- only i did not know what you know about your husband -- not til after the divorce -- i aborted the baby so that my husband would never know -- because i knew that baby would not look at all like my husband -- and i thought that would solve the whole situation and it would be over forever -- ended up my husband stunned me -- i was completely blinded to what he was doing -- i had 2 children -- after the divorce everyone told me that he had been running around on me the whole 10 years -- i was completely shocked -- i could not go back and get my baby though -- and i had to go through the scaredness anyway -- of how am i gonna take care of my children -- don't get rid of your baby for him 'cause you already know how he's acting -- those children see what's going on in their home -- kids are not as stupid as we think they are -- those kids are already hurting -- they do not feel safe right now -- you can do whatever you need to do -- those children will love that child -- and you don't have to even tell them until they are old enough to understand -- when they grow up they'll probably thank you for getting them out of that hell hole -- you know there's child support and stuff -- support from agencies and things -- everything will be alright -- DON'T MAKE THE SAME MISTAKE THAT I DID.

Answer 7

don't abort the baby! how would u like it if you had your legs and arms ripped out of socket and then got thrown in a trashcan or used for products in the make-up aisle?? You need to talk to your husband, and u cheated so you deal with the consequinces...im 15 and i know that, im 24wks along and thats horrible to kill a baby. Im married tho. But im sorry if i had a sorry husband i would get foodstamps WIC and public housing or live in the projects and leave him, until i could better provide for my family...i hated having an alchoholic for a dad, it makes them jerks. you are 37YO be a grown-up and think hard, u cheated on your husband, if ur husband cheated on u, you know how you would feel...you don't need to tell your kid's it is another man's baby. they are too young. If I were you, give ur husband some time and tell him you are giving him time to change and if he doesn't then seperate, don't put your kids through that. They could grown up to be just like "daddy". And if the "one-night-stand" guy wants u to keep his kid, ask him to help you support him/or her! Also my mom left my dad when I was two because he was an alchoholic, abusive physically and emotionally, sheworked two jobs and lived in the projects for almost a year just to take care of me and my brother...u should leave him if this keeps going on.

Answer 8

You need to leave your husband if he is abusive. My mother left my dad when I was 5 because he was abusive and I am so glad she did. She taught me that a person does not deserve to be treated that way and she protected me from being abused. I will always be greatful to her for that. She found me a new dad who is a great guy and he taught me how a dad is supposed to be.

If you don't leave your husband, it is highly likely that your kids will get into similar relationships when they grow up and also have low self-esteem. You need to set an example for them. They need a strong father, not the piece of crap that you unfortunately fell in love with. Divorce him and get a restraining order so that you and you kids are protected from him. Make sure that you tell your kids that their dad loves them, but he is just not right in the head and that he only abuses others to make himself feel better.

To help you with your finances, you need to find a friend or relative to move in with - make sure that you trust them and that they won't start abusing you or your kids. Then really watch your income and save up so that you can support your kids. You CAN do it. Try to avoid moving in with a new boyfriend - your kids will need stability.

About the baby, consider having it adopted. That way all of the medical expenses will be paid for and you can get some money when it is adopted to help you out with your kids. You need to get on your feet, and a new baby will make that very difficult.

Answer 9

If he has been abusive go to a woman's shelter with the kids, file for divorce you and the kids don't need to be around that type of enivorment. Get him out of the house and get a court order for him to support the kids.
As far as the new one the way, well, if the father is willing to be there for the child then by all means keep it and maybe something will come of the relationship.

Answer 10

You need to separate your issues, here.

Yes, you should leave your husband on the basis that he is abusive, alcoholic, etc. There is no point in staying in a relationship like that; the children will suffer in the long term, even if he is not abusive toward them. The stress and suffering you are undergoing will affect them, and the unloving relationship may set them up for long term relationship difficulties.

As for whether you should keep the baby or not, that is something you can only decided properly once you are free of the abusive setting you find yourself in.

Answer 11

there is no need to tell your kids just yet that your current baby is not from their daddy. I can only suggest taking your kids and staying with family while you divorce so it's like a trip. During your "trip" you can get a good lawyer and a job and get child support and spousal support and all these thing combined should help you get your own place and be in a healthier and happier place. Abuse of anykind is uncalled for. Maybe this baby is gods knock to your head to wake up and move on.