Should I or Shouldn't I?

Question

I met a married man 6 yrs ago..After 2 months he filed for divorce and moved in with me..Little did I know he was Bi-Polar..Not on any meds..Meds decrease sex drive & not s'pose to drink..Very low self esteem..Very attracted to topless bars..After many promises to change, I agreed to marry him four years later...Two months before our 2nd anniv he was ticketed for Solicitation of Prostitution..However, charges were dismissed for whatever reason..I've been so angry since then and filed for divorce..My brain says to follow thru..My heart still loves him..I was prev divorced for 19 yrs and wanted so much to spend my life with him..We have had great times together..I went down south for a week to visit family, clear my head..Upon my return, there was a card expressing his broken heart..We talked and cried most of the nite..Now I'm questioning my divorce..I still LOVE HIM..I know he still LOVES ME..He promises to quit drinking, get on meds and to even do counseling...I just dont know..

Answer 1

I can understand your love for this man because you knew exactly what you were getting into when you married this man knowing that he was Bi-Polar. Your husband cannot help that he is Bi-Polar, but he can control his medication and alcohol intake. The strip clubs and the prostitutes are a result of his Bi-Polar and the alcohol and his poor impulse control. Usually my advice would be to leave someone who was abusing alcohol and soliciting prostitutes, but his illness adds a different element to all of this.

If you want to stay with him, there is only one way to do it and that is by HIM getting help. YOU CANNOT get back with him until he gets some help. That means that he has to do these initial steps on his own and you need to step back a little and let him do it. After he has gone into counseling and been on his meds for a while, you can join him in counseling if you wish. When he is sober, medicated and in his right mind the two of you can begin to talk about reconciling. If he does not agree to your terms, do not get back with him because it means that he is not serious about helping himself-and maybe it means that he can't help himself. Also, if he does go to AA, counseling and goes on his meds and starts to miss meetings or stop taking his meds-GET OUT!! Do not stay with this man if he is not making the effort. This should be his last chance to help the two of you repair this relationship. I would put off the divorce, just to give him time to make these changes. Good luck!!!!

Answer 2

IF and only IF YOU decide to stay with him make sure that he sees a doctor right away. There are MANY meds to treat bi polar so if at first the sex drive is greatly diminished return to the doctor and try something different, it may take several attempts to get the right balance. It is greatly important that there is no more drinking not only because of the interaction with the drugs but also because of the way alcohol effects the brain, a big problem with people suffering from bi-polar conditions. Try to find a support group in your area for family members of people suffering from this condition, your local hospital may have the number and PLEASE attend meetings. The marriage can work if BOTH parties get treatment and are commited to making it work. Please discuss this with your husband and I wish you well no matter what you decide. Trust me I know how it is living with a bi polar condition as my wife is bipolar and I know how hard it is to deal with on a daily basis even when the parner is on their meds and going thru consoling. Best of luck

Answer 3

Definately a tough decision!
Those darn heart strings get you every time.
You obviously have alot of good times and a close hearted relationship if you are feeling like you want to give him a chance. Not to mention that he actually cried over it. So, he may really be sincere.
If you give him a chance lay all the cards on the table.
Tell him there will be absolutely no more booze, sex or ignoring his medical condition.
Make sure he knows and understands that it will definately be over if he messes up again.
Men, or anyone for that matter, can get to thinking that they can get away with things with a small slap on the wrist if they have gotten away with it once. Make sure he knows he didn't get away with it.
Keep the papers on hold for a few months. That will give you time to see if he is going to uphold his promise.
In the mean time keep track of all his actions. It is going to take as long time for you to regain trust for him, but that can be a good thing. You will know if he is back to his old ways. You know the signs. If they come back then definately divorce!

Answer 4

If this man can change with medication (sorry I know nothing about Bi Polar) and it would help him to be more stable then I would give it a go, let him have a chance to prove his words to you, I am sure you are gutted and that must really hurt but you have expressed such a love for him that I would think it could work for you to. Let him try, then if that does not work then at least you know you tried everything and did not just give up Good luck with this.

Answer 5

I would go with the divorce... give him time to get his act together.. tell him that he can move back in and go to AA meetings and get on medication and do everything else that he promised.. you can live together without being married and still spend the rest of your life with him.. in a couple years if he keeps his act straight marry him again!
i would not stop the divorce over a promise. it could just be his bi polar talking...

Answer 6

I'd still follow through, if he wanted to change he would have done it before it got so bad you called for that divorce. I think 99% of the time when people say they'll change they don't. My soon to be ex used that line all the time to buy himself time. Put your feelings aside, I know it's hard but with time things will get better. You don't need to put up with the drinking, the hookers/strippers, craziness, etc. Good Luck, stay strong!

Answer 7

Loving the man is one thing. The heart may be weak, but the head and health needs to be STRONG. Are you going to love the VD he brings you from a hooker? Or perhaps potentially ending your life with Aids? I mean really. Love means not having to fix someone. Please realize that he will say and do anything to be in your good graces. He has perversion in his life and that could escalate to violent behavior. Do let him seek counseling and medication. If after he completes therapy you find him healed, go ahead. But please, don't risk your sanity and safety for the sake of being afraid of being alone.

Answer 8

I am all about for better or worse and trying to work out problems in order to make a marriage work.. I think people take marriage too lightly these days BUT alcoholism, mental illness and prostitutes!!... Sounds like a recipe for self destruction! This is where I would get out if I were you.

Answer 9

Since both of you love each other so much. I think you should give both party a chance. Which means, stay separated but keep in touch. At the same time to access his "improvement".

Answer 10

It sounds like he has many problems. If he is working on them and you love each other, then maybe it can work. Think with your head; not your heart. Separate and tell him to get help. Go to counseling with him and see where that leads. Good luck.