How to get the maximum from children in terms of discipline, attitude, good academics?

Question

I am finding it difficult the children particularly in getting them to be disciplined, work hard on studies and not to ask for buying junk foods when outside, etc. Honestly I belive to be not working on them in proper way so as to get what I want from them

Answer 1

Children have to learn from little on up that no means no. That will take care of things like asking for junk food. They will simply know that it is a waste of time.

It is possible to teach them this at an older age if one has made mistakes, but obviously it will be much more difficult, you will have to be much stronger and you can expect much more testing, trying to get you to go back on your resolve.

Therefore, before you make any changes, you must figure out why it is that you have been giving in in the past, and have an answer for why you are doing things differently now. And you must have such a firm grip on your reasons that you will remain absolutely calm. If you do not remain absolutely calm, they will know that if they push you just a little more, they might well get you to give in.

Another thing: especially if you are angry, do not hit your children. You will be teaching them that violence is the way to solve problems, and, well, they may use violence to solve their problems with you someday. Translation: hitting out of anger not only teaches them wrong ways of dealing with anger - it is also a good way to get yourself killed someday. Which is probably not the result you wanted.

So much for the candy, etc. Now what about their personal discipline and studying? The best way to teach this is by example. Ideally, children should see from little on up that this is how to live, that Mommy has a good life, and this is how she does it.

They are probably too old for you to make a game of it if they are already in school, so probably you need to start with that example (and improving it, if it needs improvement).

Then you have to look for a teachable moment. The problem here is that they may well view school as not contributing to any of their goals, so you need to look for a moment when it becomes clear that they have some sort of goal which in fact would require them to see to their education in order to meet it.

For the moment, don't pursue the matter any further than that. Simply look for more such occasions, and when a "critical mass" of them has been gathered, they will start to draw conclusions.

Then you can start pointing out, perhaps even before they do something, 'Have you thought about the consequences of doing [whatever it is] for [their big goal]?' And you've got to start with something really important to them for this to work.

Ask them questions rather than saying 'You this' or 'You that'. If you must express your opinion, make it clear that it is your opinion. Take responsibility for that - this sets a good example for them. So, start off, 'I think...', and as far as possible avoid saying 'You...'

If you are reading books on how to be a good parent, they can even know that, but be prepared that they may well purposely refrain from behaving in the ways that your approach is supposed to induce.

Let me tell you why: if you get mad when they do that, they will know that all your talk about 'their goals', 'their plans', 'their desires', is just that - empty talk. An attempt on your part to use their desires, etc. to accomplish your goals.

Then what will happen? They will never again tell you anything about their desires. They may never again dare to have any desires, so that they won't be manipulated. Whenever they see you trying to 'do the right thing', they will treat it as a signal to make very sure NOT to do anything that could tie in with your goals for them.

I cannot stress this enough. There is no room for error. You will only get one chance, and if they ever get the slightest idea that you are 'trying to accomplish something', say, because you got mad when they didn't behave in the cooperative way that they 'should' if you are doing your bit, you will never again regain their trust.

Then, the *only* recourse you will have is to set a good example and pray for them. Anything else will have the opposite effect from what you want and possibly lead to dangerous results for either you, or them, or both.

Another thing that occurs to me: they will eventually be exposed to at least the idea of narcotics, alcohol, cigarettes, etc. First of all, make sure that these substances are not present in your household if you do not want the kids using them.

Then, make sure they have accurate information from credible sources (good books, for example). In my household as I was growing up, not much was even said about the matter, a book was left lying on the living room table, I don't know to this day whether it was purposeful (for me to read) or not.

And that is as it should be. It works. I picked up the book and found out about the risk factors contributing to addiction, the effects on your health of taking drugs, and to this day (I'm 42) have never touched drugs or cigarettes, and have only occasionally used too much alcohol - never intentionally to get drunk, however.

At the age of 16, I found myself in Germany, allowed to drink legally for the first time, and was at dinner, praying about whether to have wine with my meal. I decided that since I was depressed, feeling socially awkward, and all the other risk factors that contribute to alcoholism, that I would not order wine that night. I made a resolution that I would only drink in circumstances where I already am happy, comfortable, etc.

I may have had a very difficult relationship with my family in other ways, which is how I can tell you so much about how a child's mind works when you are trying to 'accomplish something', but this one thing they did very well, and they may well have helped to spare me a life of alcoholism by what they did.

So, I don't know, you might find a good book or two about narcotics, or for that matter, how to succeed in school (i.e. study skills), written for your kids' age group (sorry, I don't know any such books offhand, but I'm sure you can find dozens in a good, large bookstore, or on Amazon).

Maybe ask a niece or nephew or other child you know, one who is reasonably studious, to help you review the books and see which are most suitable. Obviously, you should not tell them that it is intended for your kids, indeed, if you find one that your young reviewer really likes, you might consider giving it to them as a present, a thank you for their time.

Then you can leave a copy of it on your own living room table, discreetly so the kids don't know whether it's purposeful or not - so you should say nothing to them about its presence, and if they mention it, ask casually if they've had a look at it, and *leave it at that*. Don't tell them to look at it if they haven't. And wait for them to come to you to discuss it.

And now that I think of it, it would be excellent if your kids saw you tending to your own continuing education, reading good books, taking courses, or whatever is needed to move forward in the learning areas of your choice. Let them see how much good it's doing you, that Mommy is happier because she is pursuing her dreams, etc.

You do not mention the children's father, but if he is present in their lives in any way, it would be very important for them to see that example from both of you - especially if you have any boys, because unfortunately our society is so dualistic that, for example, if they see Mommy educating herself, but not Daddy, they may conclude that education is a 'girl thing' and therefore not applicable to them!

So if the children's father is present in their lives, be sure to talk with him about all of this, how you can present a united front in this matter, set a good example by your lifestyle. Otherwise, you could find some other male relative, or a friend.

And with this person or people, you could even agree to read good books together, talk about them. Let the kids absorb by osmosis your example of spending your time contemplating good ideas, continuing your education, by yourself and with others.

These are just a few ideas, I am sure they have broader application. Also, you want to take account of each child's learning style in conveying information:

For children who like to read, books are fine.

If they are more inclined to absorb information by hearing, it might be good to choose a good movie which deals with the issue at hand (and obviously presents an appropriate viewpoint).

If they are more inclined to learn by doing, perhaps you could suggest a trip to volunteer together at a shelter for drug addicts. Or whatever seems appropriate to expose them to the issue at hand.

Etc. Nothing by force. Rather, you are going, invite them to join you, if they don't wish to, be on the lookout for some other situation where your kids can see a human need that they could actually fulfill by their own efforts, and discuss how a person could fulfill that need, and when the ideas are there, maybe look for an opportunity to fulfill that need they have seen and understand they can fulfill. They will feel they can make a difference, and that is important in their desire to do anything at all.

Bottom line here: best to forget about 'trying to accomplish something', and lead them by example.

Answer 2

There is definitely no recipe to achieve that, hence some parents having several children, some being very disciplined and so on and the others are complete disasters...
The best you can do is to avoid exposing your children to an environment where they will encounter the unwanted attitudes in their mates and whomever they will interact with.
I would also recommend to always explain why you are asking your kids to do or not to do something. Without a good reason of doing so, nobody, especially a young person, will be akin on acting against nature.
Motivation and punishments are also a great part of it, obviously.
You may also question yourself on your own involvement in your kids education. You have to show your presence but not be too intrusive or authoritative, though, because it is often counter-productive.

Answer 3

Hmm, me too! My kids can be lovely some of the time and yet other times, they behave so badly that I can hardly believe they are the same kids that I have loved and nurtured for their whole little lives.

If anyone has a definitive answer to this, please share your expertise!!