monogamy? should I be?

Question

Here's my dillema: I'm 25 and in love. I believe in monogamy, and look at it from an evolutionary standpoint. Animals and cavemen could be polygamous because relationships are based on biology, but we've evolved to the point now where relationships are based on biology, psychology, anthropoly, and many other -ologies, and because of it, polygamy doesn't quite work well with us anymore. My boyfriend disagrees. He says sex is just fun, and we should go out and have fun. He believes sex with me is making love, but sex with others is only fun. I fear opening our relationship will cause it to fall apart. I want to hear other opinions on this.

Answer 1

I know people in relationships that are monogamous, and people in relationships that are polyamorous, or just open. I think there are just as many ways to "run" a relationship as there are people, and any one of those models can work... depending on the people involved.

The key is communication, and understanding what is important to the other person.

Since you state that you believe in monogamy, ideally, you should be with a person who shares that belief. Unfortunately, there is no way for you and your boyfriend to compromise on this issue. Either you two will be monogamous or not... but no matter what you choose, one of you will have to go against what you believe in, and therefore, will be unhappy.

I hate to say it, but I'm afraid that the odds for your relationship surviving this sound slim, based on what you have said here.

Again, the key is communication... talk to him about this. Make sure he understands that you sticking with your belief in monogamy is more important to you than staying with him (if that's the case).

I wish you luck in resolving this situation.
Take care.

Answer 2

I believe that monogamy isn't for everyone. Some people are wired for it, others are not. I'm monogamous. It's always been easy for me to be with one person at a time, I really prefer it. But I understand that some people aren't like that. The important thing is to find someone who is wired the way you are. If you prefer to be monogamous, but your boyfriend does not, it probably isn't going to work out. Unless you can learn to live with an open relationship, it looks like you've hit the point where you just have to move on or continue the relationship on the level you have.

Answer 3

See... this is something that's been part of the gay community for years.

If you can live with your relationship having one-sided monogamy, then live with it. It doesn't mean your relationship will necessarily fall apart. If you don't think you can trust him to have sex but still come home to you, then split.

I've known couples with one-sided (or unilateral) monogamy that have stayed together for years. One has a very successful set of rules: not in their bed, and don't talk about it. It works for them.

You personally may not have the emotional stamina to deal with that, though. If so, you need to make it clear that those are your conditions for the relationship and if he feels he can't live with that, then it's time to move apart.

Answer 4

Monogamy get my vote. He just wants to play around and expects you to give him the go ahead so he doesn't have to feel guilty. Tell him to grow up or hit the road---make a commitment or play around but he can't have both. There is always that group of men (straight or gay) who can find some reason to cheat on their partner and those reasons are always strictly for their own benefit.

Answer 5

The purpose of monogamy is determining who the parents are and getting the commitment from the male to stay.

He appears to be a Mr. *** and Run to me. You should find someone more mature.

Answer 6

He isn't that into you. OR he is not in the place in life that you are and is not ready to commit. OR your ideals and his are so far apart that if you tried to persue this and make it work, it would only end up hurting you more when he cheats on you because you did't let him have his way or screws a bunch of other chicks and you hate him for it. OR if he really does love you and wants to make this work and does, he will resent you for making him give up teh things that he wanted.
sorry. wish i had more positive things to say on that one!

Answer 7

some people like to practice monogamy. others like to perform polygamy. either way, it's fine. i personally believe that you should only bother with monogamy if you promise to be monogamous. plus, he f*cks you because he loves you, not like his side dishes who he f*cks because he wants some extra fun. in other words, you might have to share his d*ck, but you own his heart. if you want to practice monogamy, then go ahead. don't bother forcing your boyfriend into it though. he'll just feel constricted. as long as he f*cks with a rubber, then i wouldn't worry so much.

Answer 8

I'm 51 and been around the block at least twice,can tell you this ,swinging ruined my second marriage,now I've met a wonderful girl and intend to be faithful as well as expect her to be.We do however have religious reasons for thinking this way as well as personal

Answer 9

Even after giving such heavy arguments in favor of monogamy, why do you give second thoughts to his attitudes. He doesn't seem to be mature enough, or feels highly insecure in life, to be compatible with you. Look for something else, sooner than later, in stead of bogging yourself down with compromises and torturing yourself ever after.

Answer 10

He either doesn't love you, or wants to have his cake and eat it too. His stand is based on selfish love of himself, and a total lack of consideration for you.

Whatever the case, since you have already talked this through with him, you are apparently not valuable enough to him for him to make a committment to you.

State your expectations clearly to him again. If he isn't willing to measure up to them, then leave and bide your time until you find someone who is willing to and cultivate such love for him.