Am I a bad daughter for not taking care of my mother?

Question

I'm 30 years old and my mother is bi-polar, she is in and out of psychiatric hospitals and makes horrible personal decisions regarding men in her life and has even landed herself in jail. I chose to move away from her to keep myself and my daughter out of her drama. I feel guilty though, mostly because my little sister (age 22) lives with her and has had to deal with it all. Suggestions? Anyone else going through this?

Answer 1

No, you are not a bad daughter. Your first priority is your child. Unless you are a nurse, and even then, you do not have the time or money to keep an eye on your mom 24x7. Is she taking her medication regularly? I bet she isn't and hence her inability to make rational decisions without them. Is there anyway that you can have your sister live with you? Is she still in school or already in the work force? If she is already in the work force, she should consider moving out herself. Remember - you cannot help someone unless they are first willing to help themselves.

Answer 2

No you are not. You are doing what you feel is in the best interest for your kid. But I would suggest keeping an open line of communication with your mother. I am bi-polar myself and the best type of help and care you can give is having an open ear and supporting her in every positive move she makes. Encourage her to get into group therapy it works! If she finds some friends there she can relate her problems to she is more likely to get better. Not only that but she'll have a positive influence in her life. Call around to many doctors and mental health clinics in her area (or have her do it), to find bi-polar groups. They will try to set them up with people in her age group. She will make friends who are going through what she's going through and together they will grow.

Answer 3

I dont think you're a bad daughter. As long as you have been a voice of reason for your mother, and supported her getting help, theres not much you can do. You cant MAKE her take care of herself or make good decisions.

Your sister will have you make her own choices about how much of her life she allows to be controlled by your mothers issues.

I would sit your mom down, and explain to her that you love her, and that you wish she could be a more dominate role in your and your daughters lives, but that you cant allow that sort of lifestyle into the scene. Tell her that you want the best for her, for her to get help and to stick with a program and support group, even medication, that will help her be a happier healthier person. You will stand by her in those decisions, but not the ones that compromise her integrity.

Answer 4

You will always feel quilty but you have to realize that your daughter comes first right now you really don't want you girl livin through the trama of a bi polar who is not properly medicated or a bi polar that refuses the meds which is what it sounds like your mother either isn't takin them or doesn't have the right ones call check in make sure she is fine every now and then but don't worry about whether your doing right or wrong

Answer 5

That's a tough situation. Has she tried to get help? Does she admit she has a problem? If it's a situation where you've urged her to get help, tried to help her get it, etc., but she just won't - then eventually I think it's normal for even the most loving family members to sort of disengage from the situation - especially since you have a daughter to think about.

Do you do what you can to show you love her? Does your daughter know her grandma (even if just occasional visits)? Love isnt measured by proximity.

How about your sis? Have you shown your appreciation to her and what she's done for your family?

The short answer is no, I dont think you're bad daughter at all. You might also check out resources online for dealing with mental illnes in family members. Good luck.

Answer 6

You don't really have to feel guilty about it... After all you have a daughter and need to take care of her too. It's always advisable to keep youngsters away from depressing situations which may also have an adverse impact on their psychology.

What best you can do, is help your sister and mother from wherever you are while keeping your daughter away from the situation(s).

All the best.

Answer 7

mental illness is not a character flaw or lifestyle choice. it's a real illness like diabetes, asthma or arthritis. it just affects a different part of the body and manifests itself a different way. without proper treatment it can get out of control and affect the lives of everyone who cares about that person.

you're not a bad daughter for doing what you feel is best for yourself and your daughter. you should never feel guilty about that. but please keep in mind that without a doubt your mother wishes she wasn't bipolar and was more able to live a better way. just know she loves you and your family as much as she is able regardless of the drama in her own life so try not to abandon her completely. your little sister has a tough job dealing with her so be sure to give her as much emotional support as you can. i'm sure she needs it.

Answer 8

Thats how my brilliant buddy is. She's 36, isn't married, under no circumstances has been, and he or she's also adverse to premarital sex, so she would not even do hook united statesor something. She's no longer courting each and absolutely everyone on the instantaneous both. She merely prefers to stay for herself. She would not want persons to safeguard or be to blame of, and he or she merely likes being self sufficient, and devoting her existence to artwork and in spite of she needs to do. Her mom consistently annoys her about no longer being married or having youthful ones, yet her dad is supportive. Its her existence, she's satisfied, so thats what concerns

Answer 9

I am 37, and I have a mom who makes terrible personal choices that cause her life to go downhill. I hated watching it, and I hated being powerless to stop it, no matter what I said or did. My younger brother lives with her and sort of takes care of her, although she is perfectly competent and able to take care of herself when push comes to shove. She just prefers other people doing the work for her. The thing that I have come to learn is that my brother is an adult too, able to make his own choices, and he could move out if he wanted. Also, my mother could get outside help if she wanted to. The point is that neither of them wants to. I moved away from the drama and pointlessness a long time ago, and, sure, my mom is still resentful of me. But too bad. My life doesn't belong to her. If she had it her way, I would never have left her and would be taking care of her to this day, and she would be perfectly fine with the fact that I never would have made a life of my own. As far as the guilt goes, I do have to combat it, but the good news is that it lessens over time. My mother chose to have me as a child; I didn't choose to have HER as a child. It was her job to take care of me; it is not my job to take care of her. And mental health is a difficult thing, you know. I mean, people who have mental health issues are less likely to seek treatment. So it's not like I can go in and help her recover from, say, surgery. And I have just made it plain: "If you won't help yourself, then I won't help you. Moreover, I CAN'T help, as has been proven by my past ineffectiveness." If you yourself have made all of the suggestions you know how to make--telling your mom to go into therapy, see a doctor regularly, find a way to change behavior so as not to have disastrous consequences in her life--and she hasn't paid attention to you, what more can you do? The bottom line is that the drama is pointless, and no amount of "help" in that situation is true help. True help, in that case, is the tough love approach, I think. For me, I get mad sometimes, thinking that the one who should feel guilty is my mom, not me. She has let me do so very many things in an effort to help her out of her dramatic situations, but she NEVER ONCE had any intention of actually doing any of the things I set up for her to do. She has no remorse over the fact that I have wasted valuable portions of my life trying to help her make a better life for herself. It's too bad when you're the person who actually cares about others and therefore feel guilt when you get free of the crazy bondage, while the other person could give a crap less and just wants you back in the drama. But, hey, life ain't fair. Just remember, though: Both your mother and your sister are adults, perfectly capable of making their own decisions, and perfectly capable of getting away from drama if they want to bad enough. It's not your job to fight a losing battle. I figure, better two lives are saved (you and your daughter's) than four lives ruined (you, your daughter's, and your mom's and your sister's).

The most important bit of advice, after all of this, is: Stop doing illegal things yourself, like smoking pot. No matter if you think it's wrong or not, the police and the courts will see it as illegal, and you can very easily go to jail if you get caught. In other words, break the cycle. You know how crappy it is to have a mom who goes to jail, so don't give the same "gift" to your own daughter--or else in 20 years she'll be asking the same questions about you, like whether she's a bad daughter for getting away from your drama and lawbreaking. I guess the better question for you to ask is, "Am I being a good mother?" You have the power to change your life and make sure that your own child grows up free from all that nonsense.

Answer 10

WoW, No of course your not a bad daughter! you are wise to try and do better for your self! Keep your chin up and rememer their isnt anything really you can do. let your sister know that you are always there for her, your mom too!
Formost importance live truthfully and live emotionaly healthy!