There is a debate between my boyfriend and I about what he should be doing. He wants to be the disciplinarian and I think he should be eventually. I would like him to place more emphasis on getting to know my son first. Have any sons, boyfriends or mothers been through this? What is your advice about what works best to transition a family together smoothly.
2006-07-02 03:43:05 · 14 answers · asked by nikki 2 in Pregnancy & Parenting ➔ Adolescent
I think your boyfriend should earn your son's respect - then the need for discipline - might not be necessary as much. Anything you can't handle, he should be there to back you up - but you should always be the leader in this area. I have a 14 year old son and have been dating the same man for 7 years - only recently did my bf have to say anything to him - and that was because my son was being disrespectful to me. All bf had to say was "Don't talk to your Mother like that." - If and when a man is willing to marry you and accept the responsibility of having you and your son as his "family" - then he earns the right to discipline. Until then.....I am the boss of me and my children. Good luck.
2006-07-02 07:01:27 · answer #1 · answered by sassybelle19 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I'm a single dad of an 8 yr. old girl. When my ex girlfriend started to act the mommy role my child was not happy because she did not know her that well. I told her to ease up and she got mad. I reminded her that my child had gone thru abuse by her mother and that even now the courts make her visit the mom but with supervised visits but its still really hard on her. I would think that depending on how long the boyfriend has been in the picture and how serious you 2 are would be a big factor.Does he spend fun time with your son or is it just...well im the dad figure here and you will do what i say thing ? My stepdad came into the picture when I was 12 and I resented it because it had been me and my mom for so many years. I didnt want a stranger telling me what to do and taking my moms love from me. We finally worked things out and got along but it took time. I never did call him dad but just by hs first name even tho I didnt like my real dad and he was not in the picture either. Talk to your son and see how he feels about things. Ask him if he likes the boyfriend and how he feels about you dating and things. Even if he does not like the guy if you get real serious about him then he will have to learn to ajust but take it from me, it can be a real shock. I think the boyfriend should back off for now until the 3 of you can work things out. GOOD LUCK !
2006-07-02 03:58:18 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
The role of your serious boyfriend is to definately hang around and talk to him about certain things and get to know your son. If your son is only 10yrs old he is not ready for some guy come in his life trying to play daddy role the big disciplinarian role would definately be your job because you and your have had 10 special yrs together and he is probably just getting to really know this guy.
2006-07-02 06:32:11 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
First of all, what's the relationship between your boyfriend and your son? As a guy that was in that position (I'm now the stepdad to a 10 YO girl and 7 YO boy), I think that a good relationship needs to be in place first of all. Then, only if you are comfortable with him doing some of the discipline should he get involved.
2006-07-02 04:54:22 · answer #4 · answered by schach_king1 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I agree with you, if hes going to be a disciplinarian he should get to know your son first. But my personal opinion on this is for you to be the disciplinarian and he be a role model. by doing it that way you can avoid the huge conflicts that can occur, that break up many families especially in the teen years of the child.
2006-07-02 03:58:16 · answer #5 · answered by coopnfire 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
VERY good question!!
Young boys need a male positive role model in their lives,and it doesn't always have to be a relative.The key here is "positive",and there are a few questions you should ask yourself BEFORE allowing your boyfriend to intervene.
1.Is he a positive role model?
2.Does my son respect him?
3.Does he(boyfriend)have the maturity,patience and "skills" to be a role model?
4.Is the relationship you have with your boyfriend long-term,and serious?
5.Is physical punishment going to be involved concerning your son's negative behavior? If so,you might as well not let the boyfriend "take charge"
Good luck!
2006-07-02 03:56:11 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Your Boyfriend can not be the disciplinarian. This is not his place whatsoever. The discipline is yours, ands yours only. My Step-Dad was here when we needed to talk, learn how to drive or need a laugh. Your boyfriend need to remember that your son is not his.
Good Luck sugar xx
2006-07-02 03:47:57 · answer #7 · answered by Laura M 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Now may not be the best time for him to be the disciplinarian, but if he is to be part of you r life you have to let him have some say.
2006-07-11 10:43:53 · answer #8 · answered by dgraham302000 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
my husband and i went through this after we married. we went to counseling over it because we both had such different ideas about what my new husband's role was as a step-father. the therapist said that it is my husbands job to build a good, strong relationship with the children. it is his job to be a good role model. IT IS NOT HIS JOB to discipline. step-parents giving discipline will lead to resentment/ hateful feelings toward the new step-parent. the therapist said it is ALWAYS better for the biological parent to discipline. if you are gone, to the store for example, and the step-parent is alone with the children and one misbehaves, the step-parent is to tell the child they have misbehaved and that he will be telling the child's mother as soon as she returns... the step-parent stopped the inappropriate behavior BUT LEFT THE DISCIPLINE TO MOM- smooth! my husband and i have went to MANY therapy sessions to talk about our children issues (he has children, i have children). if you are REALLY committed to making your relationship work, find a good therapist. when you and your bf have differences of opinion in regards to the children- SEEK HELP! raising children is tough. starting a new relationship with someone is tough... but adding the two components together can be very rewarding IF everyone knows their place in the family. BEST OF LUCK TO YOU!
2006-07-02 04:07:07 · answer #9 · answered by JayneDoe 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
ummm when i saw 9 or 10 about ur sons age my mother married a man who is now my step-father... and i have to say that i cant stand him because he trys to act like my father and hes not.. i think u should talk to ur boyfriend not to be hard on him cause then tension will grow and you dont want that
2006-07-02 06:12:59 · answer #10 · answered by ashleybaby147 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋