ok, i am really unsure of myself and feel nervous all the time, esp around pretty women or strangers.?

Question

how can i get rid of thsi shyness and nervousness, I need more confidence and higher self esteem, I jus wana feel good about myself, But i seem to be perpetually depressed. please help, btw im 25 m, and been like this since 15

Answer 1

Well, not a psychologist (don't even play one on tv), but I'll give you some good but hard medicine from a combination of experience and research, okay?

First off: shyness=exaggerated self-interest. What occupies your mind? Your own perceptions of a given situation rather than the reality. I mean... that's kinda true for everyone, really, but yours is to the point of distortion; not delusional, per se, but... okay, here's the break down of the cyclic pattern:

1. You have shyness and nervousness around strangers (and pretty women) because 2. you've apparently had some bad experience in the past (like, maybe a time you openly shared your heart one time, offering your [puppy] love to someone and got rejected; you were shattered)and you (and this is the heart of the problem, as you) 3. use this outdated information from your past experience to make decisions in new situations, which 4. act against your natural curiosity and desire to socialize with new people, so you 5. panic over the tension and since you want to pursue pleasure and avoid pain in the fastest, easiest way possible, you shutdown the pain with 'pre-determined' (safe) behavior (avoiding taking the risk, don't take the chance), which unfortunately creates new experiences that reinforce ([not "6", but ]1) having shyness and nervousness around strangers (and pretty women).

Your thoughts are coming from your experience, which determines your actions which result in new experiences which your mind stores as knowledge of your "life scorecard" giving you your attitude and approach to situations and your perceived chances of failure or success in any given venture.

Let me give you a short scenario: you work at a job and probably are generally just as shy there as anywhere (unless you do customer service; you're probably are much more confident and outgoing in it, but that's because you're working with a known: you're there to sell and the customers are there to buy, so there's not any guesswork) and you've got a Cool Chick co-worker who's relaxed, outgoing and self-assured (translation: she's likely with somebody and unavailable) who's chatted up with you and discovers you're a cool dude: you're intelligent, have a sense of humor, thoughtful, respectful, articulate enough to use polysyllables like "perpetually"--you're just an overall great guy. In short order, Cool Chick says "hey, you're a cool dude! I'm having a party this Saturday and you HAVE to be there!" and you're like "Okay".

You get to the party. There's several 20-somethings there: maybe about 6 (of 20) you can quickly scan are couples, but the rest are kinda just hanging out. A few of them may be co-workers from the job you work at (Phew! You'll probably orbit around them most of the night), but most of them you don't know.

One of the ones you don't know is Pretty Woman. You're attracted to her right away; no question. She occasionally laughs at Cool Chick's jokes and chimes in a comment here and there to a conversation here and there, but she doesn't seem really 'attached' to anyone or any thread of dialogue. She shoots a glance at you, attempting to make eye contact.

UH-OH! What do YOU do?

Well, you may return the glance a split second or two, but you probably just as quickly turn away, looking at the floor or your shoes. Maybe you'll check to make sure you have your house/car keys (for the 5th time). You may pretend you're hungry and grab some chips, or look intently at x-party goer who's relating to some others a 'funny' story you already know the punchline so until that moment, you were ignoring it, but every-fiber-of-your-being is fixated now on Pretty Woman who has became Pretty-Woman-who-just-looked-your-way.

But what did your actions communicate? Unfortunately, all the wrong things:

1. "I'm not really that interested in you". Instead, you seem more interested in the 'funny' story you ALL know how it'll end.

2. "I don't have confidence in myself" Well, that may be the only truth in this case (but we're working on that one).

3. "I just want to be left alone" although, ideally, you'd much rather hook up with her and the two of you skip this party altogether ('Thanks for inviting me, Cool Chick, but we're ready to go. See you at work!') At the very least, no, you absolutely don't want to be 'left alone' by everyone.

4. (Alternative to number 1) "I don't like you" Actually, this is probably a message you're (unintentionally, of course) communicating to (almost) EVERYONE there.

5. "I don't want to be here" Now..that's probably completely true, after a while, because you're not really having any fun and you're starting to feel disappointed and depressed because Pretty-Woman-who-just-looked-your-way is very likely not looking your way anymore...at least not with nearly as much interest as that first time; besides (even in your abject shyness, because this has probably happened to you countless times and though shy, you're smart and observant) you realize that her look at you likely meant interest in you on her part and that your decision to not reflect that interest has de-prioritized you in her eyes (I mean, heck, you might be attractive yourself, but you're not the only dude there). It doesn't mean that you totally blew it, but it does mean the ball is in your court. It would be different had it been you that gave her the eye first and SHE turned away...or maybe that just means the shoe is on the other foot, right?


Needless to say, these aren't the messages that you want to convey to others. You want to be just as socially adroit as everyone else who seems (on the surface, anyway) to be relaxed and sociable and having fun. I'm sure you like people and would like to be liked by people...particularly, Pretty Woman, or at least not be sending them (and her) these messages that are opposite of your true feelings.

The million dollar question is (you've already asked, but I'm slightly re-phrasing), "How do you change your mind, adjust your attitude so that you can (A) be happier with yourself and more confident (B) at least be on-your-own-side when it comes creating effectively new friendships and pursuing romantic relationships (rather than waiting for this to magically "fall in your lap" without any effort of your own...because, well, you could have a dozen friends like your cool, outgoing co-worker chick and they'll all know you're that cool but shy dude but it won't be an issue to them, as they'll all have somebody already, but that doesn't do anything for you)?"

Well, I can't just directly blurt out a single-sentence "guru-like" proverb for you to address that (in part, because I don't have one LOL) and "fix" everything (in part, because nothing is broken). I will however try offering you some perspectives (some of which, is buried in what I've previously written above) that may help you frame your own solutions for the issue, okay?

1. You may be surprised to learn, but the two shyest people in every group is (1) the person with the least amount to say and (2) the person with the MOST amount to say.

How's that? I'll explain: well, the person with the least amount to say you already understand (maybe that person would be you), but the person with the most amount to say is exactly in the same boat: you're both being self-interested. The only difference is that person pushes it out while you're drawing it in. What is "it"? Nervous ENERGY. In other words, this person and their experiences (which have likely only slightly differed from your past) taught them that when they are afraid, it's time to SPEAK UP! While you're afraid you'll say something stupid, they're afraid they'll look stupid if they're not saying anything at all. In their case, their fear (well, if they don't REALLY say stupid things) has become their ally, while for you, your fear is your enemy.

If you could start recognizing that your "fear" is a signal to ACT, to SPEAK (focus on the desire, not the doubt [which I'll elaborate on in #3)] and not an indicator to shutdown, it could result in amazing changes in your social life.

A quote I read one time put it maybe in a better way: "We all have butterflies in our stomachs in nervous situations, even successful people, but successful people channel those butterflies to fly IN ONE DIRECTION, towards a specific objective."

2. You may have developed at some point somehow a notion that confident, socially adept people are better than you. But this just isn't true: it can never be true. While you're not better than anyone, NO ONE is better than YOU either. We all have talents, skills, possessions that all differ to some degree. But that's all it is; difference. Even if the next guy competing for Pretty Woman has money you don't have, looks, etc. none of those things may not matter to her in comparison to you...and vice-versa.

Besides, once you enter competition, you yourself become part of the competition, just as much a 'threat' (so to speak) to the next guy as you think he is to you.

3. There is hardly any desire that your mind conceives unless you ALREADY have a connection to it and a means by which to attain it.

Take electricity, for example. Okay, today we take electricity for granted: we just plug in our electronic devices and expect them to work instantly. More often than not, they do. Now... think about electricity during the time of the Roman Empire. Of course, that's kinda a joke, because they didn't have electricity during the time of the Ancient Romans right?

Wrong: not only does electricity preceed the Ancient Romans, but it preceeded humans... preceeded life on Earth....life in general. Electro-magnetic force actually has no known "beginning"..or ending for that matter.

The Ancient Romans just didn't know how to harness the electricity that was already available to them.

And it's not like they weren't smart: look at the mathematics in which there are terms that still bear some of their names (like the Pythagorean Theorem) or some of their long-survived philosophies that still guide us today (like the Hippocratic Oath). They built and worked with most of the metals and other materials we distribute electricity with.

But was harnessing electricity a desire in their minds? I think it's safe to say it wasn't. Otherwise, we would have possibly had a "George Jetson"-like era two hundred years ago instead of creeping our way to it today.

Again, as science can verify, electricity has been available throughout all of what is conceptually understood as "time".

Speaking of science (and getting back to the case of the Pretty Woman-who-just-looked-at-you at co-worker Cool Chick's party), you wouldn't be experiencing anxiety if there wasn't already some chemistry between the two of you. But I guess that's kinda the point: you've been misinterpreting this chemistry--this biochemical signal that she's a prospective mate--as anxiety and a reason to hit the panic button instead of the flirtation button.

Which button do you think is the more rewarding button to press?

4. Of course, you probably have a fear of rejection...but you also likely have a fear of making a mistake. This is regrettable, as actually, mistakes are (not entirely, but largely) your allies.

Stated simply, you'll rarely be able to grow without making mistakes. Sure, mistakes or not, you'll get older, but perfection doesn't yield learning.

Right now, you're a perfect shy person: there's hardly anything you do that doesn't fit with your perfect model of "I'm shy". I mean, do you go to parties and stare into space, hugging the snack table but go to conferences with 30,000 people as a featured speaker making brilliant and hilarious presentations simplifying complex economic opportunities for ceo's and future business people alike?

Likely, not, as that wouldn't fit with your perfect model of shyness. Instead, you're living a half-life: one half is what you put out there in the world and the othe half is what you REALLY want to put out there.

Like it or not, some mistakes (and valuable information you can learn from them) are the distance between the current half you offer and the liberated FULL you that goes after what (and who) he wants.


Surely you have or have had those encouraging friends who've been like, "Go for it man! What do have to lose?" They may not have told you this, but do have plenty of things to lose...I mean, CHANGE, and the more you try, the more of them you'll change: fear, doubt, lack of confidence, low self-esteem, a previous personal history of regret...shyness. You can change the way you look at those feelings, change the way you react to those feelings and in turn, change the results of your life.

And... I'll lchange to become unemployed if I don't take off now and catch this bus, but I just want to say that I may not know, but I'm rooting for you, man. Just think that I've never even met you and look at all of this time I've invested in you writing all of this: how much more can come out of you investing in yourself (whom you know better than anyone else)? How much more interest will be invested in you if you reach out to those people at the next party (including Pretty Woman) like you just reached out here on "Yahoo Answers"?

Answer 2

You need to socialize a little more bro. Find a good hang-out spot, a little cafe or whatever and start going regularly. It will take time, but you will meet people that want to hang out with you and develop a circle of friends. It will help alot and an hour or two a day in a cafe is pretty cheap. After a while you will become a 'regular' and know lots of people there. It'll be fun...at first it may kinda suck a little, but these things take time.

Answer 3

Wow, Osiris sounds like a jerk. Don't listen to him.

I know PLENTY of artists who are f***ed up in the drug/alcohol/AND relationship areas. I myself am one. I have the same problem you have. I'm incredibly shy and feel depressed and scared of most people. But I went to a psychologist at my college for free, and in only three one-hour sessions my self esteem had risen soooo much. These problems usually have to do with your past, so if you can find someone to talk to about it, it helps lots. If you have access to a free orginization or counselor, those are great.

Answer 4

Hello Phillip, this advice is from a grandma who used to be a "pretty woman" as you call them. Self esteem is something you develop through out your life so don't give up on yourself quickly. I used to lock myself in the bathroom rather than go out and have to meet people and talk with them. I have found it is a good idea to listen to your "self talk". What goes on in your head is what is going on in you. Look in the mirror each morning and tell yourself how terrific you are. Know you are special and deserving and tell yourself so. No one can take care of you like you. Eat healthy foods get a bit of exercise and be around people you like and admire. Be good to yourself friend. There is a lot to learn out there and a lot of great folks that you just haven't met yet and I will bet that many of them are "pretty women" who are as filled with self doubt as you are.

Answer 5

I can totally see why you brought this up amongst artists. Every artist I know of has no drug or alcohol or relationship problems. We are all on the "straight and narrow." Too bad you're too shy to ask the question in a place someone might actually help. Pardon me, I'm just spouting.

Answer 6

Self Help Groups are very good. 12 step programs are very helpful also. It only took me 18 yrs to recover from manic psychosis. When I got right with the God of my choice and stablized on my meds, my world changed for the good

Answer 7

one word: alcohol