Is it ok for your significant other to still talk to his ex daily?

Question

I am dating a guy who is legally separated from his wife. They separated like 5 month's before we started dating. They both cheated on each other in their marriage and when my boyfriend needed her the most, she wasn't there. I know that they have to communicate until the divorce is final, which is in October, but should I allow then to communicate after words. They have nothing binding them together, no kids or anything. He said that he will always be her friend. I am finding all of this hard to deal with, I am 26 and I have never been married. Also, it bothers him that she just bought a new place with her new boyfriend. I am confused, I don't know what to think, I don't think that I am strong enough to deal with this for the rest of my life. They just sold their house they were sharing, she was living there, him not. As me and him were packing things, he got very depressed. Can anyone help me here, I don't even know what I am trying to ask.

I couldn't fit all I needed to say in the intial question...Am I wrong for feeling like there is no need for them to be in contact? He told me that if we ever see her out, he will introduce us, and he expects me to be nice. I told him that I wouldn't even look at her. He said, "Why not, she is a very important person in my life." He says that he loves her as a person, but he tells me all she does wrong, and how she couldn't love him the way he needed to be. He told me how she was disrespectful around his friends and family. I just don't understand this relationship he wants to have with her. He started cheating on her right after they got married, they were married for six years. Can someone please shed some light on this situation for me. Thanks!

Maybe I should also add, that he says that he adores me, and he wants to marry me as soon as his divorce is final. We have also bought a place that we are moving into in Sept. I know that it is hard to tell if he will continue to talk to her, but how can I be sure? Also, I leave two hours from him, so I am sacraficing a lot to move there with him. I don't want to be crushed. He gets defensive when I put my guard up. He said that I don't realize how much he loves me. He tells me that I am the girl he has waited his whole life for. Although, I have made some bumps in our relationships because of my insecurities. It also doesn't help that I know he cheated on her 9 times. He could do it to me too.

He said their marriage was over two years ago, that she stayed with him out of quilt when he got cancer. After he was well, he knew they wouldn't work so he cheated on her one last time, so he could tell her and they could split. Well instead of splitting, they tried to work on things for 6 months, but it didn't work. She is now dating his best friend who was in their wedding and she supposedly cheated on my BF with him.

Answer 1

Wow! You can't stay in this relationship. I know you won't listen to me, but I wish you would! This man needs some counseling. I'm not going to sit here and write all bad things about him. I know you probably really do love him. Although you are setting yourself up to get hurt. When you have a sexual intimate relationship with someone, you can't continue to try and be friends with that person. It never works. These two were at one time really serious. How do you go from being married, to being friends. Any one who says it works, is lying to themselves! It does not!!!!! There are no kids involved, this relationship needs to end. If he can't understand that, than you need to move on. Or you will be getting yourself into a big mess. This man has serious detachment issues, and in my strong opinion will cheat on you too. The minute you don't fill his needs in some way, he will find some one who will. Good luck...:)

Answer 2

It sounds like he and she are working out their differences from a distance, and your only there to agree with him when she does something he doesn't like. You are a security blanket from the way it sounds. If there are no children involved there is no reason for them to be communicating, unless it is through their lawyers.
If you are being told that they are trying to retain a friendship, then sadly your chain is being yanked. If the seperation is as new as you say, then the wounds are still too fresh for friendship, and the emotions are still too raw. You sound like a nice person with allot to offer a good man, but this man is not a good one. It almost sounds as if he is getting his cake and eating it too. The fact that they both cheated on each other, no matter what the excuse, goes to show there is little if any loyality in their hearts towards each other, or anyone else.
If you are an independent intellegent woman, I would just pack and go. No arguing, or discussing. Your heart is too attached for this kind of a debt. If you are not independent, but you are intellegent, then I would find another place to stay until you get your independence in place, then you can worry about a man loving you for all the right reasons. Either way you deserve better than what you are giving yourself, and I say that because it is your choice as to whether you stay or go. If you stay you know the fears you must face, if you go you can move forward instead of standing still waiting for him to make up his mind.

Answer 3

I could tell you to stop being so insecure and give him a chance, but I think what we have here is a man of the world with lots of baggage and a newbie to love with lots of expectations. I don't see this working in the long run. How can you ever trust him? You are right he does not need this person in his life. If you decide to go forward with him, I do not see a problem in telling him to break off all contact with her and he is to be on a very short leash. No hidden cell phones, no hidden email passwords, nothing. He needs to show you complete openness. Anything even remotely hidden and you are gone. Don't marry him until the divorce is final AND he behaves how you expect him too. Do not wait until after marriage for him to change, expect and demand it now.

Answer 4

Sounds like he stills loves her.He maybe seeing how he messed up with her and inside he is wishing he could go back and fix things.Why else would he want to talk to her so much. He don't need to talk to her They have lawyers for that.They was married for 6 years,I would say that he still loves her.I think you are going to get hurt. If he cheated on her what makes you think he won't cheat on you? Once a cheater always a cheater.Also he isn't even divorce from her yet, If i was you i would tell him that we just need to be friends for awhile.That way you can step back and see what is really going on between him and his x.If i was you i would not get in any kind of relationship with anyone that is going threw a divorce. They are going to have feelings for there x no matter what they say. Therefore they can't love you like they need to. Also you can tell how a person is by looking at their past. If he cheated in his past then that just shows you what kind of person he is.

Answer 5

As long as they are still married and he is still conversing with her on a daily basis you are just that, a DATE. Sounds very much like he has alot of feelings for her. Sometimes it takes a person a long time to get over someone they have loved enough to commit to marriage. Right now you have no reason to get upset because they are still married. Until he is ready to move on you can either let it go or move on yourself. If you love him, stick it out. Make a life between the two of you that drowns out the life they had. Be there for him.

Answer 6

It seems really clear that he isn't over it yet. Statistics say that the first relationship after a marriage doesn't usually work out. If you started dating only five months after the end of their marriage then he still has feelings that aren't gone yet. This is very normal and doesn't mean you can't date him.

You need to talk to him and explain that you are willing to be patient, but you need to see him making an effort to put the past behind him. If he isn't willing to see that he is holding on to something that is in the past, you might want to think about moving on. I hope it works out for you.

Answer 7

The first "question" in there is, "should I allow them to..."

You can't really "allow" him to do anything, can you? All you can do is tell him you are very uncomfortable with it, and see if he respects your feelings and cuts it down to a bare minimum until it can end.

If he really is bothered about the new boyfriend, then you have a bigger problem. He's not ready to let go of her, not completely anyway. Again, all you can do is ask him. No matter what he answers, you'll know by the look in his eyes if he's telling the truth. If he shows he still has feelings for her, cut him loose. He may just be using you as a crutch.

Answer 8

First, walk into your bathroom and stand in front of the mirror. Next, repeat the following phrase until you BELIEVE it:
"I'M WORTH MORE THAN THIS!"

You need to cut this guy loose because he's clearly not going to cut his EX loose, then you need to do some serious work on your self esteem. Ask yourself this: if the three of you needed to go someplace in the same vehicle and he were driving, where would you be sitting? I'm pretty sure you won't even hesitate in your reply of "In the back seat with her sitting up front with him".

If he's already informed you that you "had better be nice to her" should you ever meet, you can also be sure he has NOT given her the same directive.

Lose this loser fast. Look elsewhere closer to home and you'll find someone better, I'm certain!

Now, go stand in front of the mirror for as long as it takes!!!

Answer 9

It sounds to me like he's not over his Ex yet, which is a sure sign he jumped into a new relationship too fast. You need to think about what you want. Are you willing to put aside your doubts and just believe that there's nothing to worry over? If you feel like you are sacrificing too much, it might be time to let him go. Maybe he was just trying to fill the hurt from the past relationship by being with you, and when he saw the finality of his situation with his Ex, he began to doubt his choice. If you aren't willing to put up with all the baggage he's bringing with him, including his Ex, chances are you should be looking for a new relationship.

Answer 10

Sounds like he's not over her yet. You came into his life too soon before he could grieve over her. If he has no regards for your feelings about still contacting and keeping in touch with his ex he really doesn't care enough about you. You'll probably need to move on - but let him know that when he's completely over her give you a call if your still available.