Separated-Husband HIV + from cheating - kids involved - do I stay or go?

Question

Hello, I am will try to make this short & clear. Been with husband 16years, Married three, 2 young kids under 5. He cheated on me and became hiv +. Found out when he was really sick from converting to hiv +. He was in the hospital, doctors told us he had to be infected only a couple of weeks, my whole family found out. I was tested and negative and pregnant. He had drug problem too, so I left.I tried to work it out with him, but I did not want to have sex with condoms, was too afraid of risk of failure & he said he would not be married with no sex. Was so embarrassed b/c family knows & they were scared for me. Divorce is almost final. He quit drugs for 6 mths & wants a chance. I am contemplating it is b/c I don't want my kids to have the every other weekend lifestyle of divorced kids & worried about a blood accident when I am not there with them, but would have to have sex w/ condoms and family would be so upset w/ me, Would u trust condoms? What would u do? me or kids?

Thanks everyone for your help. I have consulted a lawyer and they say if he is drug free for a certain time period the courts will allow him unsupervised visitation. I guess I feel like I am putting myself first rather than my kids if I don't go back b/c I won't always be there to protect them in case of a blood accident. I feel so torn. But I don't want to trust my life with latex either.....

Answer 1

Get the divorce. The hiv is immaterial. He cheated. End it. The fact that having sex IS life threatening Is also a factor. Bottom line, he made his bed, let him die in it. Sad, but that what happens to liars and cheats.

Answer 2

Wow this is a hard one ...

I feel for you ... he has put you in a hard situation. Probably one of the hardest I've ever read about ... Sounds like he's trying .. he's been clean for 6 mths. which doesn't really mean anything to me since I come from an addicted family (drugs, alcohol, gambling) and I know 6 mths. is nothing. It's going to take him a long time to learn to change.

I'm going to say leave him for good. The kids will understand when they get older what their dad did to them and their family. He put this on himself. The kids didn't ask for it and you didn't ask for the responsibility of taking care of him when he becomes sick later on in life because of his infidelity ...

I would be scared too to have sex with a cheating man that has HIV ... not too many people are going to be willing to sleep with him .. he already said he can't live without sex ... if you get back with him .. who knows if he'll sleep around again with hookers or random women who don't know he's infected.

Stay separated, take your kids, keep them around your family, make them your # 1 priority and try to be happy with whatever decision you make .. don't regret anything in life .. do what's right for you and the kids.

Man .. I hope you find a good answer for this one .. it's making me sad and I was pretty happy this morning. Dang why am I stressing over this - I don't even know you ... ok .. peace love and hope everything works out for you ..

Much Love
JRS

Answer 3

Tough Question!!! I believe condoms to be a very effective way of preventing the transmission of HIV, but I really have to be truthful...Condoms fail about 7% of the time in preventing pregnancy...that means that everytime you have sex, you are running a 7% chance of being the 1 in 50 who contract HIV as recieving partner!!! The 7% chance of failure on the "active partner" is nil, as there is only a 1 in 500 chance he will contract the HIV virus without protection! The odds are not greatly in your favor.
Screw the "family and their being upset." This is YOUR life and your children's mother's LIFE you are playing with here. YOur husband made his choice long ago...he played and got burned. IT WAS HIS CHOICE, not yours! He didn't care enough about you to play safe... and that, alone, should tell you a great deal about him. Any idiot knows you do not do anything that could endanger the lives of your spouse or children! You have no choice here, the choice was removed from you by YOUR HUSBAND! And he has the nerve to tell you how things are going to be!!! Oh my, I don't think so! Trust me, you children are much better off with a healthy mother .
I would call a lawyer, get everything in order, file for divorce, and make sure that child support is in place, as well as alimony for the time it takes you to get fully on your feet. I am the last one to suggest divorce, but here I will make an exception. I was in the same boat many, many years ago! I had a mate that wouldn't stay home, played around on the side constantly thinking they did so without my knowledge. One day I awoke with an overwhelming need to RUN, not walk, out of a 16 year relationship. I followed my instincts, not knowing why. I escaped in a bare nick of time, for my mate died of HIV/AIDS 6 years later!!! I f I had stuck around even ONE more day, I could well have followed! My advice is to RUN, don't walk. I will admit it took me several years to get over the relationship, but...I found happiness again with a caring soul who would not endanger my life. I am not saying anything is a bed of roses, but in life, there is really only one thing that matters....DEATH! All else is day to day problems that come and go. DEATH is very final. Don't be a fool for any reason...there are plenty to find, but they do not hold water compared to DEATH! I wish you the very best, and GET TESTED AGAIN in 14 weeks!

Answer 4

In my opinion it's time for you to do what's best for you and your kids. Thank God that all of you tested negative for the virus.I know you and your husband have been together combined 16 years.But there comes a point in time when you have to let it go. This man has drug problems, fidelity problems, and as a result of this, he now has health problems.He is harmful to himself as well as you.Condoms plus a spermicide would reduce the risk of you becoming infected. But the only thing that's going to protect you 100% is to leave his a** alone.He is too much mentally and physically.All his sh*t is extra.Because there is not one reason that you and your kids, family, etc should be going through something like this.I'm sure he acting all brand new now.That's good for him and you Miss Lady............... are 2 Good 4 Him.Good Luck!

Answer 5

you are so right worrier about this . first for your husband .. I would tell him to go find the women that gave him this HIV+ they should be together ,, why do you have to pay when he is the one that cheated ,, the kids .. well really how often does an blood accident happen . plus you can teach the kids not to touch others blood .. if they have to touch , then teach them how to wear gloves .. do not let this stop you from living YOUR life . i would not risk my self for 1second with a condom with a person that does have HIV+ ..Husband or not ! did you ever hear the saying ( you play you pay ) well he played and you are paying ! does not sound right .. run ! run the other way ...

Answer 6

I would not trust a condom. Beside that he not only cheated on you but he got HIV in doing it. Girl have you lost your mind? You may be thinking that going back to him will be better for your kids but it won't be. What if the condom broke and you got HIV? would you think that going back would be worth that.You are lucky that you don't have it. Why would you want to chance getting it? Stay away.Tell him he can see the kids when ever he wants but that there is no hope for the two of you.I am sure your kids will understand when they get older why you didn't go back to their father.

Answer 7

Get the hell out, and go have yourself tested every 6 months for the next year or so. It can take that long to show up on tests.
No amount of protection is enough to protect yourself or your kids. Divorce him and have your lawyer look into supervised visits because of the extenuating circumstances...for the kids sake.
He didn't want you before, obviously cause he cheated. Now he's just scared cause he doesn't want to go thru this alone. Why should you and your children have to live with that to ease his mental/physical suffering?

Answer 8

This is like a no brainer.....Honey you may have tested negative for HIV now but don't you realize that if you've ever had SEX with this HIV+ person unprotected in the past you could be carrying the virus and just not testing +.....

You're not thinking of the kids you're just using the kids as your scapegoat pawn.....Your children will be alright with visiting their father. You will need to teach these children to never come in contact with any body fluids...and this includes blood, urine etc! Your children need their father even if he is HIV+....his days on earth are ##### so don't deny your children from seeing their father because of you.

You're trying to make this issue all about YOU...Wake up....HIS HIV+ is not about you....but you need to take responsibility and NOT make it about you....Even considering Zzzz with this man....you would be putting yourself at risk!...

Be supportive for your children...and quit making this issue about you!

Answer 9

I would never go back to him let alone have sex with him. He's lost his damn mind to even say he can't be in a marriage without sex knowing he's HIV+. Doesn't he know condoms break? As for the kids, sorry but they would have to get used to the idea that their parents are not going to be together anymore. If I felt he would be careless around my kids, then he'd have to take me to court to get visitation rights.

Answer 10

If you just want to stay together for the children that is the absolute wrong reason no matter why the marriage ends. It is far better to have children have two loving parents in two separate homes than two in one home that truly don't want to be together. As far as your health concerns you're the only one who can decide if it's a risk you're willing to take for the sake of love of your husband. If you really want to make it work try counseling for all of the issues from infidelity to health concerns. Hope this helps.