fiance watches internet porn when im not around. Ive told him how much it hurts me but he still does it. help?

Question

My fiance watches internet porn when i'm not around. We've had many talks about how much it hurts me & makes me upset for days, but he still does it sometimes anyway. He says that it's not that often, and that he usually only does it if he can't concentrate to study, or if he can't sleep, but the other day he just did it becuase he felt like it. he said,"if he wants to do it sometimes, damnit, he's going to". He seems bothered that I bring it up when it happens, and he seems bothered that it bothers me so much.
We've tried to come to compromise that he'd cut down on how often, but i'm still not feeling better. I'm sad for days after. I don't know how to talk to him about it anymore, because I get the feeling that it just makes us both upset and nothing changes anyway.
Not getting married isn't an option, I love him more than anything, and this is our only big issue, but i'm very hurt. any ideas on what I should do next?

i know that looking at porn on the interent is normal for guys...that's not the issue. I guess i'm just bothered that he gets himself off looking at it, and he says it has nothing to do with me, but it does!
i've told him that to me, masturbating while looking at that is mental cheating, but he doesn't seem all that bothered that it hurts me.

Answer 1

Well, I would say cut the guy some slack but it seems to really be a big issue.

Is it maybe because you have been cheated on before and feel that this is the equivalent? If so, then tell him that you accept the he watches porn but that you don't want to know about it.

Take a look at your sex life, is he satisfied, or does he complain abou the lack there of. If hew does complain then try and experiment on things he likes to watch (unless it completely repulsive to you).

Maybe he also just curious and it's a way for him the look around for what else he could get but in manner where he feels he's staying faithful to you.

Answer 2

Let's look at the facts, shall we?

1. Your fiance watches porn because he likes it.
2. You love your fiance a lot, and not marrying him is not an option (huh?)
3. You are going to marry him anyways, regardless of whether he stops watching porn or not.
4. Your feelings get hurt every time you learn that he has watched porn.

What's wrong with this picture? Get counseling to help you accept something about your fiance that you cannot change. There seems to be a lot of talking about how he should change his habits for your sake.

I am not condoning him, I'm just puzzled by how you want to use this relationship to change him. Typical female assumption: "If he loves me, he will change his ways." Not a chance. You are the one who needs to adjust your outlook. As I said, you need professional counseling to explore why his watching porn bothers you so much and come to terms with that. Then you'll have to make a decision: either you accept this habit of his and deal with it in a mature way or you go look for a partner who doesn't watch porn. I'd do the latter if your feelings are that important.

Answer 3

Most men watch porn because they are men.
It is better he watch porn and makes you the recipient of the mood it places him in.
As long as there is child porn site he visits, I don't see a problem. If there is you have a big problem.
Women do not understand why men watch porn. The fact is, porn is exciting to men.

Before the viewers of my answer take exception, consider the majority of these sites share two concepts, first, you always see the full exposure of women, very seldom do do see the mans, second, you see all women and men, women and women, you do not see men and men, because that is discusting unless you are a homo.
The porn industry has grown from $70 million in 2000 to over $7 billion in 2006, but nobody admits to watching porn.

Men have lusted for women from day one and will until the last day. If that is a sickness, then 97% of the men are sick, the other 3% are A sexual or gay.

Some things are true whether you believe them or not.

Answer 4

I dont think you should allow yourself to get all bent out of shape about something so trivial. A lot of men look at porn and to me it has nothing to do with the woman he's with. If you think he gets turned on by it then maybe sometimes you can watch it with him. Then when he gets arroused you can be on the recieving end of all the excitement instead of his hand.

Don't let this get you down. It's more common than you think. You cannot stop a person from doing what they want to do. I'd rather know he doing it, then for him to go and start sneaking watching it behind my back. It's not like he's cheating on you. Wait...Do you feel like it's a form of cheating? I'd say if you've already told him that it bothers you, that he does this so much and he still doesn't try to compromise with you, then that means your feelings arent being respected and that may be something you two need to sit down and discuss.

if it still bothers you maybe you need to move on before this issue becomes a bigger problem later on done the line. It's better to get things fixed and settled before you take that trip down the aisle. Otherwise you're setting yourself up for a continuing battle with an issue that should have been resolved from the start.

Answer 5

You see, this is where I think women are wrong and stupid. "Mental Cheating" what the F is that? If we consider mental cheating, then what is the definition and boundaries for when this happens? NOBODY, man or woman, is mentally fresh and devoted to only their significant others... NO ONE !!!!

I know you feel bad, but look at it this way and understand... men and women are just two totally different animals. We are the more horny and sexual of the two, and this is fact. We're probably thinking about sex every few minutes of our lives and we probably need it three to four times a day (although we probably couldn't really perform at that rate). The problem is we can't always have it, when we need it, therefore we need to vent and it's either through porn and masturbation, or men cheat to satisfy this urge.

You have to understand in order to make your relationship work, that men and women are DIFFERENT when it comes to sex. We look at it as raw hardcore stuff... wham bam, we're done. Women need it tender, lovely, touchy touchy and all that. Women see porn and their grossed by the hairy a*sed man in the movie, we look at the hot chick and we're ready to relieve ourselves. Men see lesbians and it's like "all right, bring on more" but women don't go renting "gay men videos" And that's why the market for male oriented porno is much more than women oriented...

Pick your poison of sorts:

1. Have your fiance vent through porn and still love you,

2. Not have him watch porn and then vent through cheating.

3. Leave him and never find anyone 'mentally committed" for you.

You will NEVER find a man that is not going to browse mentally... the task is find the man that browses but always comes home to you...

Don't be a dumb b*itch and understand the man/woman dynamic...

Answer 6

You may not like it, but, start watching the female aspect of porn. The males that pose nude and the gays which correlates to watching two women together. What is good for the gander shall be good for the goose. It is hard core, excuse the pun, method how ever it is fair and reasonable. Then when there is a confrontation, you make amends. It is only a theory. It might work? You shall know the truth as to whether or not he his addicted to porn. Then professional help is needed.Know that the fact that you have asked the questioned ,makes you the better person. You can work through the pain and find happiness.

Answer 7

The key to what you said..he's your fiance. Why put up with this crap before you even get married? If you have problems now, and especially a problem like porn..What makes you think the problem will go away on it's own? You can't change who he is but you can change the course of your life by not deciding to marry this guy.
It's obvious he has a problem with porn. He's using porn when he's not able to think or sleep. The best thing for you to do is cancel the engagement in move on with your life. Why in the heck will you put up with that before you're even married?
Grow some balls!

Answer 8

I have been there only I did not know about it untill we were married. Porn is the beginning of a chain that does not end. For me it ended up That nothing I did was good enough. They end up expecting what they see in movies and magazines. It is an addiction and obsession. Eventually seeing it is not enough they want to act it out and later regular porn is no longer enough and they will move on to more intense and vulgar stuff. There have been studies showing that child molesters and rapists all started out with plain old harmless porn. no one likes to think they are capable of stuff like this or that there loved ones are but it is very possible. When we think of these things and allow our minds to manifest on them we will act out. That is why the bible speaks so much on keeping a clean mind.

Good luck

Answer 9

I am a guy yes it normal for guy to look on internet porn...I am married and yeah I looked at it and if my wife came to me and said Honey pls no more becasue it bothers me. I will respect that and not to do that anymore why? becasue she is my wife.

There a sign you already told him how you feel and he still doing it. Means that It will be like this for the rest of your life.... I bet ya that if you tell him I am ending this right now. becasue you don't even care about me how i feel when you on the internet. I bet you that if he love you more than internet he would stop... if not then sorry that he is not the right person. You want a man that really care about you and love you and respect you and i know you would do that same thing to a man. so not fair for you do all that for him and he not doing for you back???? something wrong.

Answer 10

If this is a big issue to you and you say that it makes you upset for day but he still does it then the issue is bigger than porn. It's not like you're asking him to stop masturbating! Porn is an unrealistic sexual experience on film. You will never look like those girls or do the things they do. Get to counseling. Remember that lots of rapists started with porn.