I just discovered my husband's horrible secret - help!?

Question

After 10 years of marriage, my husband told me that he had to tell me about a secret he has been keeping for 14 years. He was questioned in a child sexual abuse case. (The case was dropped due to lack of evidence.) The victim was a four-year-old boy. My husband worked in a daycare center part-time and a boy in his class named him as the person who performed oral on him and said he performed oral on my husband. All this happened three years before I met him. I'm so furious!!! We have three children together. The trouble is that since our marriage has gotten so bad, and he lies to me so often, I can't believe anything he says anymore. What do I do? If I had known this, I NEVER would have married him. HELP!

Answer 1

Ohhhhh, honey. I know I don't know you, but as a woman, as a wife, as a mother, as a daughter I plead with you to either get your relationship professional help or get out before your life and the lives of your children are ruined. A liar teaches their children to be & do the same and as the only parent with a moral compass, you have to protect them. It's not just about y'alls relationship when children are involved.

Answer 2

I read some of the other answers. I'll try to add another perspectice you don't mind. You have a very valid concern. I would find it alarming too. But it might also be premature to assume that his prior conduct has been transferred to your own children. Before grabbing your children and preparing to run, and telling them that their father has a molestation history and signaling to your children that they may be in danger, you should handle this part of the problem with great care. I would first spend some time thinking about how I'm going to speak to my child and tactfully inquire about whether anything inappropriate has happened between them and dad. This will take patience and time to elicit. You must keep in mind that especially if nothing happened, the children are still going to love their father, and recklessly intervening with an unconfirmed suspicion won't do them any good, nor you either. The other answers are worthy responses, depending on how much you know. I think you've already planned on leaving him. That's decided. The next thing requiring great skill is seeking information from your children, responding to what they tell you in an appropriate manner, and insuring their future protection 'and' healthy development into adulthood. For all these tasks, you may have to seek the services of a professional. You're best to decide that.

Answer 3

Seek counseling for you and him individually and then together. A counselor can see the signs of a lie better than you can. If the counselor feels that your children are at risk or that there is severe lying going on he or she will tell you. Then if you do divorce you will have a counselors word to help you when it comes to visitation. You can not prevent him from seeing them but you can require he use a monitored visitation center so he is never alone with them. I could not tell from your question if you are afraid for your children or not. I also could not tell if he told you only that he was questioned or that he did it. If he admitted it, I may feel like I would have to leave right now. I would question why he brought it up now. Did he do it again? Is he beginning to feel guilty because he has kids now? I am so sorry that you have to go through this. I will keep you and your family in my prayers. Good luck!

Answer 4

Well now you do know. Do you want a divorce? Talk to your children to see if daddy has touched them in any way. Hopefully you have been open with your kids all their life and you have that relationship with them. Well if you love your husband and you want to still be with him, then stay as long as nothing has happened between your kids. But if you feel as if your marriage is not working and you are not happy then go see a marriage counselor or get a divorce. This is a major thing, and only you can make your final decision. I don't know what to do if I were you. Good luck, pray and ask God for guidance.

Answer 5

Honesty and communication are a MUST in a relationship. He should have been honest with you from the beginning. Of course, you are saying that he lies often too. Is this really something you want to raise your children around? If your four year old boy came home and told you that their day care teacher did that to him, would you believe him? Probably so, because four year olds really are not capable of coming up with that on their own.
Do yourself a favor and get away from him. If you are saying that if you had known all of this that you wouldn't have married him, you have your answer...you know it all...so leave

Answer 6

Wow, this is indeed a tough one. First off, I think both of you need to seek out counselling. That way 1) you can find out if he is lying, and 2) you can get help dealing with this knowledge. He may just be lying to you about this, but for some reason I doubt it. Why would he lie about that? Also, you could do some research about the case by looking online or calling a police dept for some help. He may be listed as a sexual offender somewhere. Good luck, God bless, and I hope to God your husband is okay.

Answer 7

I would be angry and very furious, if I found out about that as well. It's going to linger in your head, wondering if he is telling the truth. Plus three kids in the house hold.
But he could not had done it. Someone could had put the boy up to saying that. Then again he could had done it too. You could go to the county attorney, and see if you can get more infor about the case. Explain that you have three kids at home, and you are scare for their well being.
You said he been lieing so much, you may never know the truth. Let the kids know, if someone even a family member do something to them. Then to come and let you know. Then again, if he had done something to them. They could clam up and be scare to reveal it to you.
If the marriage is over for the good, then get out while you can. Take the kids and file for divorce. I dunno if you can use the old case against him in the custody battles. But if some problems comes up, like other kids start saying he done something to them.
Then you need to see, if it was ever done to your own children. fight to have his parental rigths taken from him. I can't blame ya one bit for not trusting him.

Answer 8

He's hating on you big time. He's still mad that you didn't take up on his offer and now he has to live with "his soulmate" and isn't happy about it. From now on I wouldn't even bother asking him for anything. By doing that he thinks you still need him, and he can't wait to say "get it yourself or get your own". He wants to be $hi**y to you just so you can say "what's your problem" and then the conversation will start up all over again about how he left, you moved on and...you know the rest. Just start being more independent and don't ask him anything. He will get the hint in no time. The tables will be turned when he starts to wonder "what's her problem?". . . haha and you will get the last laugh and be happy that you did it yourself.

Answer 9

It doens't sound like your marriage is any good. Pack the kids up and leave. You cannot take any chances with him. Who know's what's happening to your kids when you're not around. Molester's have a way of manipulating kid's mind's, so they won't tell.

I don't see a four year old just making this up. Take heed and go for it.

Even if your husband is lying about this, it sound's like your marriage still isn't healthy. Him being an adult w/small kid's can't teach his kid's it's wrong to lie when he this is all he does.

Good Luck!!

Answer 10

If your marriage is bad and he lies to you all the time, then you should get out anyway, regardless of whether or not that has happened. If and when you do get out of there, make sure that you let your kids know that if any one touches them in a way that is bad, that they can talk to you, NO MATTER who did it. Don't tell them that daddy might touch them, just prepare them in case anything happens...with anyone! Trust your heart and it will lead you the right way.

Answer 11

Get out with your children. Good rule: When in doubt, chicken out!
He needs help but right now you are responsible for the welfare of your children. Try to go to a safe house, a friend or relative until you can make some choices with your life and your children.
Good Luck