How do you best know when to let a baby cry him/herself to sleep?

Question

We have a six week old newborn at home (our first) and she doesn't like to sleep or stop crying unless one of us is holding her.

Being new parents, it's extremely difficult to allow her to cry for very long without picking her up.

How can we make ourselves leave her alone when we know there isn't anything wrong with her but she cries to the point that she turns deep red?

Oh, and when do babies actually start producing tears?

Looks like I hit a hot button .. thanks for all of the answers and advice so far. It is greatly appreciated.

Someone asked if we are home with the baby ..

I work from home and my wife is currently on week #6 (of 10) off from her work. So everyone is here pretty much 24/7 for at least another month. Then the baby goes into daycare.

The whole "everybody is home 24/7" issue and it's effect on a marriage is a whole other conversation. Think I'll go post another question.

Answer 1

Very simply--never. A baby left to cry alone released cortisol--a stress hormone--even *after* she stops crying. This means that calories that she needs for growth and development will instead be used for managing stress. Moreover, a stressed baby doesn't learn well. Leaving her to cry will also teach her that when she is *completely* dependent, the people who love her the most won't help. She should *never* be allowed to cry. In fact, research has shown that newborns who are never left to cry actually cry *less* by the time they are a year old than those who have been *trained* to cry. (Not surprising, is it?)

If she is crying, there *is* something wrong with her. Just because she doesn't speak your language doesn't mean that her needs are any less real. You may never figure out what she *does* need (or you may learn that she needs *you*), but even if she continues to cry when you hold her, it is completely different from being left to cry alone.

Oh, one more thing...you *cannot* spoil a baby. And...spoiling isn't giving of *yourself*. You cannot love a baby or child "too much" no matter *what* the age. Spoiling is when she's 3 and wants a cookie before dinner and you say no 6 times, then give in. She doesn't *need* a cookie. But if you say no 7 times, then pick her up and give her a hug, you aren't spoiling her...

Answer 2

These are horrible answers!!! (except sassysour's) At six weeks your baby has no idea if you will ever come back when you put her down. A baby cries to get a need met, and yes, babies NEED to be held all the time. Leaving them to cry it out is a bunch of crap! You are already doing the right thing by picking her up when she cries.

It's nature's way, if you were living in the wild and your baby was crying really loud you would pick it up so a predator wouldn't hear it and eat it up. Your baby doesn't know she's living in a safe environment and is relying on her instincts. When she learns that her needs are going to be met she will learn to trust you, after a few months she will understand that IF she cries you will come and rescue her and her neediness and crying will taper off.

The whole point of being a baby is to be totally dependent on others. This society is trying too hard to make babies independent right from birth. Studies show that babies who are carried a lot will cry less and be more secure than babies who are forced to cry it out. How would you feel if someone left you alone when you were sad and crying and wouldn't even come and hug you because "you just had a hug a few minutes ago". Listen to your instincts and they will tell you to hold your baby, don't listen to what other people say about it. Your baby will grow to love and trust you without feeling abandoned.

Answer 3

Hi, You don't have to let your baby cry it out to get to sleep ..... there are other ways! My baby James had sleeping problems and several people said I should use the cry it out method but I just hated it. I felt like a wicked parent and would give in every time and go to comfort him. Eventually though a friend recommended I try a baby sleep audio program that had worked for her baby. It had a number of techniques that I could use and amazingly the one I tried started to work the very first night. Within two weeks James was sleeping through the night and I'm pleased to say he has never had a problem with sleeping since. Good luck hun. Kelly

Answer 4

I was told that parents should not use the "cry-it-out" method until the baby is AT LEAST 4 months old, because until that time they have not completely developed a nervous system, so they do not know how to handle it. Also, it could make things harder for you in the future, b/c the baby has learned not to trust the parents when he/she cries for comfort. My son was the same way. He was always being held by someone, and I thought i was doing something wrong. Maybe to many I was, but my child knows he can trust I'll be there when he needs me. I waited until he was almost 7 months old, and began to let him cry it out for 5 minutes at a time, and he learned in less than a week to fall asleep by himself. When she cries, do pick her up. Infants do not cry for no reason. Also, try and learn some new ways to comfort her after you've calmed her down. i.e. the swing, running the vacuum cleaner, music. I promise, things do get better.

Answer 5

You really should take her to the ped. to make sure there are no problems. I am the mother of 11 children ages 15-6 mo. I have never let any of my children cry. I know this can be hard for a first time mom. You get really, really agitated. However, I can swear that keeping your baby happy will greatly increase her/his intelligence. love and social well being. My daughter is almost 6 mo. She has been crawling and sitting on her own since she was 5 mo. She was driving everyone crazy crying all the time at first. I said just keep carrying her around and keep her from crying. In a few months she stopped. She is such a social person. She smiles at strangers. She captures everyones heart and she crawls everywhere.

Try this out and be sure to take to doc to make sure there are no problems. One of the big problems for first time parents is not feeding the baby enough. When they are fed enough they are generally very content. Otherwise, if they are, they could have bad gas.

Tammie
www.sheaterraorganics.com

Answer 6

That's EXACTLY why this child is crying like that. She's always being held and when she's not being held, she cries. At six weeks, your daughter is ALREADY showing you who is the boss in the house!

When you are comfortable with it, either you or your husband has to put your daughter in her crib, leave the room and let the child cry until she understands that no one is going to pick her up. Then she'll start sleeping when she figures out her crying is not getting her what she wants.

This will be a pattern as the child gets older too...like kids that repeatedly ask for something even though you continue to say no. They've figured out if you ask enough times, you'll break and give in. YOU CAN'T DO THAT. You're the parent and YOU make the decisions, not your child!

Answer 7

Welcome to parenthood!! Sounds like she is already working you guys. Sure your grandparents say "Theres no spoiling a newborn. Give Give Give" but there is giving them too much arms and that sounds like what is going on. If you know that she is changed (diaper) and fed then let her have her cry. (it WONT be the last. Girls are DRAMA and this is just the begining) Does either one of you stay home with the new baby? In the afternoon when you are keeping her up for play, that is letting her know that is the point and time that is for being physical and awake. She needs to get on a schedule even this early. Believe me I have 3! I started the first day I got home. My babies usually began to tear after the first month. Good Luck. If you have any other questions.. [e-mail]

Answer 8

Babies under the age of 6 months should NEVER be allowed to cry it out. I repeat NEVER EVER. A baby this young can not be spoiled despite what everyone may tell you. If your child is crying he/she needs something even if it is just to be comforted. Many times they cry from gas or tummy pain... when they keep crying they suck in more air and the pain gets worse. Because they are too little to move around they can not burp on their own and they just remain in pain.
At this age you need to just worry about teaching them that when they need you you are there.
Around 6 months you can get a little tougher with them but you should reappear , pat them and talk to them to reassure them at least every 10 minutes or so.
Ask yourself this .... " If the worst thing you can say about your parenting when you look back is may be I held her too much , then will that be so bad?" and do you think when you are old you will ever look back and think "Gee I wish I had held her less when she was an infant. " I think not.

Answer 9

At 6 weeks of age, a baby does not have the ability to reason. (In other words...she is NOT trying to show you who's boss.) Everything is still relatively new to her, and she just wants mom and dad to hold and love her. :) Contrary to old wives tales, you can not spoil a young baby by holding her too much.

If you're positive nothing is wrong with her (not ill, no dirty diaper, not hungry, tag in the back of her shirt isn't scratching her neck, etc.) try holding her for just a few minutes, then lying her down. If she cries, she cries. I know it's difficult (been there twice with my two boys) but eventually you'll be glad you did it. (It's no fun having to rock a 10 month old baby to sleep every night, you know? :))

To make yourself leave her alone, put her in her bed, shut the bedroom door, and go outside on the patio, where you can't hear her, and have a coffee and chat with your spouse for a few minutes. I'd check on the baby about every 10 minutes or so, just to make sure she's OK. She eventually will tire herself out and drift off. In the long run, you'll be thankful you did this!

I'm trying to remember when my boys started shedding tears. If I remember correctly, it was at about one month old.

Answer 10

Crying is not going to hurt your baby. The only person it hurts is you. There is a book called "On Becoming Baby Wise" it is a fabulous book and swears that babies can sleep through the night at 6 weeks. I didn't believe it, but when my little one was crying and needing to be held all the time, I finally gave in and read it. My life changed in no time! My son started sleeping through the night within a week. You need to put her on a schedule and this book teaches you how.

My Ped. says to not let your baby cry for more than 2 hours. If they do, it's a sign that something is wrong. He also said that when you put her to bed, you need to do it while she's awake. But put her down when she starts showing signs of being tired. Then get a routine started. Nurse, read a book, bath time and down in cradle/crib. Let her cry for 5 minutes, then go in there and calm her down. Tell her she's ok, rub her tummy, lay her back down. Let her cry for 10 minutes. And keep doing that increasing by 5 minutes each time and eventually you won't have to wait at all. She'll go right to sleep.

Get that book. It saved my life along with a lot of my other new mom friends. Good Luck!!