How do you welcome home a baby who had previously been abused and neglected?

Question

I get full custody of my neice on Monday. She's 4 months old. Her mother used to leave her for a whole day on the streets looking for crack, so my neice is underweight. She is very clingy to any caregiver and does not want to be put down, even the Case Worker who first introduced me to her. She has a serious case of diaper rash from my sister not caring for her properly that needs a prescription ointment to cure. In the meantime, the Case worker has suggested desitin? ointment at ever change, even the pee pee ones. She has some bruises too and her arm has been fractured. I don't know if we are strong enough to see her on Monday and bring her home without feeling ovewhelmed. I have no kids of my own. Just give them hugs and kisses? Take them on outings? I'm afraid she will be afraid, and feel insecure with us even though we just want to try our best to take good care of her.

Dulcinea, please honey, save your drama and negativity for you mamma, I'm taking my neice and I'm going to do the best I can with my husband. That's all I can do. Sorry if that's not good enough for you. Sorry if I'm not "perfect" birth mother. Good gracious. Just go away lady, I'm going through enough without your goody two shoes remarks when I'm looking for advice and answers.

Answer 1

Love, love, and more love. Luckily she is so young that (I hope) her past neglect will not have a big impact on her emotional well-being. Just take care of her and treat her just as she is your own. She will adjust.
Good luck.

Answer 2

I just responded to your feeding question. I found you again and thought I'd write some more.

You WILL feel overwhelmed. how could you not? It's totally normal and natural. Even if you were caring for her for just a week, you would feel overwhelmed. It's ok.

First, you need some support. You have a lot of questions and seem woried that you aren't ready to take care of a little one. Do you have a neighbor, friend, sister/ brother who has kids? You need someone yo ucan call with questions.

The diaper rash is from not having her diaper changed enough. Desitin is an over-the-counter diaper rash cream. You'll find it at any drug store. Something else that helps- let her lay around on a towel or something with her bare bottom exposed, esp after a bath. Make sure there are several layers of towels or something underneath, in case she pees!

You'll also need diapers- size 1 diapers should fit. And at 10 lbs, she'll be wearing size 0-3 month clothes (unless she's really long). You can give her sponge baths (lay her on a couple towels on the bed)- it's a lot easier that handling a slippery baby in the sink or in a baby bathtub.

She is needy and clingy from being neglected. She is scared now, because when her mom left, she didn't come back. Right now, the best thing for this kiddo is to not be left alone, and not left to cry if you can help it. She needs to learn that you are there for her and will come to you when she needs you. Once she begins to trust you and know that you are there for her, you will be able to put her down more. Right now, she will need to be cuddled a lot. If you have a rocking chair or recliner chair, just sit and hold her on your chest while you watch TV. She will probably just fall asleep on your chest. She needs contact right now.

I wouldn't try to get out too much for now. Once you get the swing of things, you'll have more confidence and be able to get out and do things with her. Right now, you just need to get to know her, and she needs to get to know you. Stay in, if it doesn't make you stir crazy. Spend time hanging out. She probably doesn't know how to play with toys (if no one played with her), so she has some catching up to do. Think about it like new parents bringing home a newborn. You spend your time at home those 1st few weeks, getting to know each other and trying to figure out your new life together.

Hugs to you. You are doing a good thing. Don't get too stressed. You are just like any new parent- you have no idea what you are doing! I felt the same way. You will learn quickly!! By the time you have had her 2 months, you will be amazed at how far you have come. By three months, you will be a professional parent. :)

-michelle c

Answer 3

First thing... if its severe diaper rash I suggest Dr Smiths for the ointment. Its the best and clears even the worst diaper rash in a day or two ( its also easy to wipe off so it wont add any more irratation) And second... you are doing a wonderful thing. Its always great when a child can be in the home of a family member instead of foster care. All you can do is give her the attention and affection she desires. You'll know what to do when she is there, instinct will kick in! At 4 months old she will adjust very easy once everyone gets on the same schedules and routines, they are so little they don't really have memories yet so it'll be like starting new. Good luck, and be patient, everything will be alright.

Answer 4

congratulations!! You are embarking on a wonderful new world. Your niece is very lucky to have an aunt that cares enough, and has the means to take care of her.

First go buy a book on the babies first year and what to expect. She is still very young and being a first time parent you will apperciate a referrence for normal baby thing like teething, feedingsa and so on.

Second find a support group wether it be stat recommended, through your church - look for foster parent classes. this is going to give you the help, support and direction that you need for her special needs.

the diaper rash will pass. Take her to the doctor get some medicated cream and it will clear up. The reason the case worker suggested to put on the destin for every diaper change is because you want to keep the infected area dry. Sounds weird, but the desitine is providing a protective coat - oil base and will keep the area dry.

I am sure that you are strong enough to see her. She will need you love, patients and attention. You will be wonderful!

I would not go on too many outings for a while. You want to make sure that she has a routine. That she wakes up to loving arms, has scheduled feedings, regular diaper changes and so on. I would avoid doing to much until she has a routine established. This will give her the best foundation and help you to get used to her.

Best of luck, and God bless you

Answer 5

She is clingy because she has not been in a stable home. She needs to be loved 24/7 until you build trust with her. She's afraid of being left alone like she has before. Spend lots of time with her. Stimulate her mind by talking to her all the time and introducing her to new smells, textures, shapes, and scenery. She will soon loosen up, but not until she feels she can trust you.

For the diaper rash, yes Desitin is great. This can be caused by pee pee diapers too so make sure you are changing often enough and don't leave a wet diaper against her skin for too long. Clean the area with a warm baby wipe and apply Desitin cream until the rash goes away. If it doesn't by a week, definitely call a doctor who may be able to prescribe something else.

How I wish I were there to help!

Answer 6

My mother ran a daycare for 15 years, so I have seen alot including a couple of children that were abused and one that had a broken arm and brusing from another adult.
I have two kids of my own. This is going to be harder then just being a new parent, however there are a lot of similarities to the situation and the little one is young enough that it is a good thing it was caught in time.
Be strong for your sake, there will probably be a lot of crying.
Hold the baby as much as she needs for now, and the more comfortable and secure she will get in the long run will also show as she adjusts to the things you do at home on a daily basis.
With my boys, my youngest gets diaper rash really bad cause of the humidity where we live, I use Desitin but every so often I don't put it on him to let his body down there breath a little and then make sure you change their diapers as soon as they are wet.
If you have some toys that you can put in the room where you will be when you first get home and possibly some blankets that she may like, get some snacks ready for her in the same room and expect a mess...She may even be ready for some kind of nap ( my boys after they have been stressed are very clingy and want to cuddle and I never decline them from cuddling, so get ready to make yourself comfortable on the couch just holding her and learning her cues on what she needs )
You should also be ready to have to carry her when you go to the kitchen to get a drink..Make sure she feels safe.
Its all a learning process for all of you now, so take a deep breath and take each moment as it comes...In the end keep telling yourself, its for the best .

Good luck and many pleasant thoughts for your family and the four month old. My youngest is five months old, so for the most part you are going to do a lot of cuddling and getting used to one another.

Answer 7

This will be an emotional and troubling time for both yourself and the baby. The baby doesn't want care givers to leave her because she's afraid of being left without anyone once again. Sadly even at the youngest of ages they understand what has happened to them.

On Monday you need to take a deep breath, and accept the baby with love and hope. You're both starting a new journey together and as time goes on, she'll understand you're not going to abandon her.

Just be gentle with her, take the time it takes and know that there is help out there. It'll be stressful, but in the end you'll realize a child's love is totally worth it. Good luck.

Answer 8

I would say treat her just like your own baby, who would've been loved and protected from birth, but with a little extra attention and care. It may take a little while for her to attach to you given all she's been through. The wonderful thing is that she was taken out of this situation so early. She will never remember what she has been through - only your loving home! Remember she is only 4 months and at that age, still has a lot to learn about love. I think you'll do fine... and once you have her, you'll be able to pick up on her cues as far as what special care she needs most (outings or staying home, etc.) Good luck!

Answer 9

the best thing for the child is to be placed in a loving careing home and im sure you and your husband are both loving and careing or you wouldnt be taking her
give this child as much love as you can have your husband do the same show her that she is safe with her new mom and new dad you said she is 4 months old so it maybe a little hard at first she may cry and keep you up all night so have a support system to help friends family what ever it takes as long as you can trust them im sure with the baby being with you and your hubbie she will be fine in no time at all make sure she eats when she is hungry does she have a cast on her arm if so be very carefull when it comes off put her in the bath with you babys love that and they feel safe i had to do that with my last baby thats the only way she would take a bath with out screaming love is the best thing for this child good luck and god bless

Answer 10

I'm a social worker. Bless your heart for accepting a kinship placement for your niece. You are doing a wonderful thing. Get her to a doctor immediately for one thing. Also as far as the diaper rash is concerned: Run bath water for her in a baby tub. Add baking soda (Arm and Hammer or any brand will do) let her splash around and soak in it about 15 minutes. Do this every day till the rash is gone. It will take very little time. The soda dries up the rash. I used this with my son consistently.

To begin with I recommend holding her alot and talking in a soothing voice. Once she becomes aware and comfortable that you will not harm her or leave her then you can begin stepping small distances away from her and then coming right back. It will take time. I would not take her on many outings to begin with so she has time to adjust to learn about you, your husband and her surroundings.

Touch will be very important for a neglected child. She has missed the opportunity to bond with anyone. She needs to bond as soon as possible. Lots of holding, lots of kisses. Anything to build her security.

Please know that you are not alone, that many, many relatives have taken on similar tasks. There may even be a support group in your area. If there is any support further that I can give you please let me know. Good luck!

Answer 11

Wow! What a terrible & yet wonderful story. You were chosen to care for this child for a reason. Not only will you be a teacher & caregiver to this child, you will also learn so much from the experience. I do not believe there are any coincidences in life. I know it may seem overwhelming now, & maybe for the first week, but in no time you will wonder how you had ever had second thoughts.

I have a 5yr old & when he was born I was basically a single mom. I thought I was in over my head, but soon realized that although caring for a baby is difficult & a bit overwhelming, it comes naturally & soon your life will be filled with joy. Soon you will be thankful you have the opportunity to provide this child with the love she needs so badly.

Good Luck to you!
Bless You!!!