can a marriage really survive infidelity? is it ever the same again?

Question

me and 9 year relationship boyfriend lived apart for long time. I thought everything was ok. Found out now we are married, that he was unfaithful when dating.

Answer 1

hahahaha you have got to be f-ing kidding!! back your bags and come work for me.

Answer 2

I send you supportive wishes. Something similar happened to me.

A difference was that I found out before actually getting married - but after my son (from previous marriage) and I had made the commitment to move to a different city to live together with him.

I felt a bit insecure in the new city and my son had to change schools (he was 5), then one day I found "evidence" that he had had more than one fling during the 3 years we had been in a long term relationship (but not living together) It was as if he wanted me to find out - otherwise, why leave the photo album with pictures of the conquests (and dates on the photos)

I was so stunned and upset. He and my son were both out, and I became quite hysterical and screamed for an hour!!!

Then I calmed down and tried to think through what had happened. I think my anger was about the feelng that I had been deceived. I had been completely faithful to him, and assuimed he had too. I trusted him. Finding out about the flings changed something between us and made me sadder and wiser. It was hard to trust myself too, because I would have thought I would have known if my partner had been with someone else, and I had no idea. So I felt a bit stupid too.

I guess, even though we weren't married, it felt like a betrayal We stayed together for a while afterwards but something had died for me. Having said that, I am not a "normal" person in the sense that because of a difficult family history, I find it difficult to trust someone in the first place.

I think if a person has had a reasonably stable family background, and the relationship has commitment, as yours does, it can work out OK.

So....to answer your question, yes, I do think that a relationship can survive infidelity - and it can even help you to grow as a couple.

It sounds as if the infidelity happened before the marriage, and perhaps, in marrying you, your partner has made a decision to choose you and be faithful to you. If that is the case - and it sounds as if it is, then I think you can give him the benefit of the doubt, and try to put the past behind you.

But before you can do that, you might want to talk it through with your husband and tell him that you felt hurt.

Maybe you could plan to do something special together in the near future, and see that as a landmark, a symbol of how you can move forward together.

Hope this helps.

Answer 3

Marriage can survive infidelity. It is never the same, but no marriage is the same from one day to the next. The key is to move on. I lived through this and went on to have a lasting marriage. If this happened before you married, why are you worrying about it now?

Answer 4

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Answer 5

... and i think 'rivers_of_life' has won the prize for hard-assed law and unforgiveness. it sounds like she is living in the old testament. if everyone should be killed for certain sins there would be too much bloodshed. who is sinless? what a crazy misconception.

i think a marriage can survive infidelity. but it won't be the same again. if he was only cheating on you while you were dating, i look at that a bit differently as it wasn't within your covenant/public promise...

what is really important is you knowing who this man really is. can he walk to hell and back with you? would he? do you trust him with your life? is he remorseful? don't throw away something good if he really is a good man. you can forgive and you don't have to forget, but if you stay with him- don't ever bring it up again. because it's part of who he is now; you either take the whole package and accept him as he is or leave him be.
God bless.

Answer 6

Okay you believe in Marriage from the people that lied about the tooth fairy, Easter bunny, Santa claus, and I guess then sold you on this marriage thing. S U C K E R. lol Surive infidelity, not going to happen since the unfailthful thing. So are you going to free your self from this thing called marriage. And really be happy.

Answer 7

i think it made ure realtionship stronger as he decided to marry u.. yes he made a mistake by cheating, but the conclusion drawn from his mistakes mustve been that he learnt... it was nothing more than sex, i didnt mean anything.. and he has realsied u mean so much to him n he would rather be with u instead of messing around with other girls.. so he married u.. that jus shows that maybe he didnt feel fullfilled when with u, so indeed did seek to look at other women.. but once doing the damage, realsied everythinghe wants inhis long term partner, in his WIFE.. he already had.. and married u! it may not be the same.. but his love for u has become stronger... dont worry to much into it.. just always be cautious in case this sam mistake ever happens again... all the best to you.. xx

Answer 8

You were dating your husband now for 9yrs?. that's too long.I want u tobear in mind that for those 9yrs, u were not married, and anything could have happened.I hope u are not the unforgiving type?Listen! today is a different day, and u are in aonther dimension,not just only friends but husband and wife. that is a promotion for u. U should appreciate that. what of if he married the other fellows?Surely the man loves u , and gave all for u. Yesterday is gone,live for now as long as he loves u,make sure u reverence.I can assure u it will even be better.O.K?

Answer 9

wow, well just keep in mind that the past is the past and now you are married and it is all the past, get over it and understand that 9 years ago is a long time ago. he loves you now and he is still with you, doesnt that count for anything, he loves you aand never foget that, he is the love of your life and he would do that now, dont worry it is the past, cant dwell on the past or your future will go nowhere!! have fun in life.drop it and keep making those babies happy as well as your hubby. good luck.

Answer 10

Hmmm - Dating and marriage are different - but I suppose that it depends on how you were together at that time... But after 9 years & someone else - he's chosen you.. But be carefull... make sure its not something he does as a habit...

Answer 11

It will never be the same. If you can leave him do, but if you can't be prepared for a lifetime of suspicions and unhappiness, cos a cheater always a cheater. If you can't leave you need to accept him for what he is.