I wrote a poem several years ago and ask if I could get some honest opinions on it?

Question

I'm not looking for praise or criticism just thoughts and feelings if any.

where once we all were
our busy buzz everything
then at once
we fly
towards a distant place we know nothing of
we follow
together
where do we go
but onwards
flight
we beat our wings they carry us
catching the air we push ourselves along
on the air we breathe
a road to anywhere
but where we were
is what we do
leaving nothing
but a memory

I'd most like to know what you think it is that I am trying to say or convey. I want to know if it's effective or jibberish.

For those of you that care I wrote this poem as a statement about the transient nature of people. How at one time we're affixed on the current status quo only to leave on for something else as soon as we quickly tire. We never seem to stop to notice life's simplest things, the basic things that keep us alive, the most pleasurable things.
I purposely left out any punctuation and purposely wrote it so it wouldn't have any real feel or hint of rhythm giving it a quality of vagueness and uncertainty like people seem to be about their lives where nothing is definitve.
I meant for it to be spoken or read very calmly deliberately and with a somewhat slow pace only slightly quickening at times.
Asking this question here was just an experiment. I wish I could ask this question to a more concentrated audience. Thanks for the answers anyways.

Answer 1

Honestly, while I was reading, I got the impression that you hastily ran away from your parents, without knowing where you were going. Now that you know how hard it is to live independently, you wish you could go back to what you had left behind.
I wasn't sure what you were trying to get across, but I think it was something very similar to it.
At any rate, it was pretty good.

Answer 2

you're a actual poet !! it really is for sure written from the middle and your coronary heart absolutely tells it the way it really is. i'm a poet my self and characteristic many poems like those yet it really is fairly perfect written and it makes me experience ideas and that it what a poem could do even if or no longer that's indignant ideas or scary that's what's meant to take position once you study a poem. you're meant to experience interior how the author felt even as they have been writing it. I felt melancholy, stress, sympathy yet capacity also. The result I truly were given from this outstanding poem change proper right into a tale a tale type a shy lady it really is lower than no circumstances pretend, She famous it complicated to precise her authentic ideas because of the very reality she is terrified of being judged by utilizing technique of the pretend plastic dolls round her. She is sensible eye-catching hearted and easily desires human beings to hearken to her. She strives to be unique and correct right here well-known circumstances are those even as she is left on my own jointly such as her ideas's eye even as she will be able of precise her deepest ideas on paper without judgment. because of the very reality I felt those type of ideas i understand its a sturdy poem written by utilizing technique of a brilliant minded poet with alot of ability. perfect performed!!

Answer 3

here's my own poem abt memories


bitter.sweet.memories
the past is like a dream
a silent wish. a tattered dream.
i've lost myself in the music, the moment
where midnight dreams dwell
and sheeps walk on stardust
a lullaby sings the world to sleep
when the stars in the sky start to cry
so do i
and when the music stops..
will i forget you



as for ur poem.....i think you shd use more aggressive vocabulary, but i quite got the feeling that u are.......lonely?

Answer 4

Is this about the history of man or a personal relationship? Makes me think of the story of Babylon.

Answer 5

it's alright, a little akward but alright. It would sound better if it rhymed though.

Answer 6

I like it...it sounds like someone flying while astral projecting....lol.

Answer 7

its a too good poem can u forward it to me plz

Answer 8

it's beautiful I
bet you really
took some time
on it!!

Answer 9

I like it :)

Answer 10

good one!