My husband is an alcoholic. When he drinks he gets verbally abusive.....?

Question

When my husband of 6 years gets a "buzz", he is verbally abusive to me and my son.(from a previous relationship) When he's sober and I tell him what he said or did he calls me a liar and denies it all. I have left him many times but I keep coming back. He has started AA classes and soon as he realizes I'm back, he stops AA and starts drinking again. I love him but this is causing me to really dis-like him. I am not attracted to him anymore because of this reason. When we lay down together all I smell is beer and his eyes are glossy. I need advice on what to do. I don't want to turn my back on him, we have 2 children together and i have one from a previous relationship who looks up to my husband as his daddy. I don't want them to think it's o.k to drink a case of beer a day.(and still walk a straight line)

Answer 1

Honey, wake up. He isn't going to change unless you really force the issue, and even then it's gonna be iffy.

You need to get yourself a counselor, as well as going to Al-Anon, and then draw a line in the sand. Perhaps a one year separation, during which time he is expected to go to AA, get private counseling, and stop drinking. Keep to the one year seperation as a minimum, no matter what. If, during this time, he does as requested, then towards the end of the year you go to counseling together and start working on reconciliation, if desired.

If, however, he doesn;t do his part, that's it. You will be happier and so will your children, hard as it is to do.

Answer 2

Sounds familiar. He has a major addiction. And its putting you and your son through hell. You don't deserve that neither does your son. You need to sit down with him when he is sober. And have a long serious conversation. Explain to him what his alcoholism is doing to your family and how you feel. And how you can compromise solving this obstacle in your family relationship. See if you he will get some kind of treatment maybe join him in a talking circle or an AA meeting. See if that helps. But dear you don't need to be knocked down like that by the man you love.

Answer 3

This is his problem...not yours. He keeps you trapped by making you think you are part of the problem and the solution. Take a good long look at this man and then stand back and realize your are allowing him to teach your son how to treat you and the women in his life.

Leave, get a divorce and get therapy to help you and your son heal from this abuse. Honestly leaving your husband to be responsible for his actions is the best thing you can do for him. It might be the wake up call he needs. Just don't let him talk you back into the web. It takes years for them to change and statistically only 10 percent change permanently. I have lived this...tried to help.........the abuse just escalates every time until you or your son are physically hurt.

Answer 4

My mom went through this with my dad. My brother and I had a pretty volatile homelife because of it, and it definitely affected us both in negative ways. I used to beg my mom to leave him. Things would always go back to "normal," and they'd pretend like nothing ever happened. I was never able to just forget. I think my mom should have separated from him for a long period of time (which she never really did), and not take him back until he has gone through the whole program. I'm sorry to say, that if he is like my dad, he never did change, and my mother died an early death. I feel terrible for what my mom went through. I used to have a lot of anger at her for putting up with it and making us live like that, but now I realize that she was doing what she thought was right. My father is still living, is still and alcoholic, and has still been verbally abusive to the two girlfriends that he has had since my mother's death. I love my dad, but he can be the biggest asshole, and if I were in my mom's situation I would have left him. I think it is very rare for these people to change. You're going to really have to weigh out how much you are willing to put yourself and your children through. You have a lot of thinking to do, and I hope for the best for you.

Answer 5

I'd have got out of the house as soon as possible and gone to stay at someone else's house. Couldnt there have been a friend or relative with a spare room at a time like this. This man has a drink problem and violent too, i fear for your safety if you stay with him. he doesnt respect you so why should he start being protective now. His drinking is causing you to be pushed further into someone else's arms so dont feel bad for moving on, Its he who needs to get sorted out. And yes you need a permanent UK address when going through the courts so when thats up you can proceed to go through with your solicitor.

Answer 6

I am going through the same thing, only I dont have any children with him. I had left my husband of 3 years, when I came back he did great for 4 months now the alcoholic is back,not as bad, but I am just kinda waiting for it to be back like it was. We have tried the Al-non and AA meetings, no help at all. For me it was good but not for him. I feel your pain. I dont know what all he tells you, but dont believe him when he uses the excuse that "I was drunk I didnt know or I didnt mean it I was drunk". They know exactly what they are doing. There is always truth in what you say either drunk or not.

Answer 7

Negative behavior is not a good environment for any child, and any other person, to live in. You do have important decisions to make concerning your children's safety, and well being. Your motherly instincts tell you this. As adults, we know we have to take responsibilies for our own behaviors, and therefore consequence follow, what ever that may be. Some lessons are harsh realities. Some of us have to find the courage and strength to make some decisions others chose to willingly neglect the responsible role. It is possible your children may need some councelling if they've seen any of his behaviors, and should be addressed soon as possible. Your physician can give you guidance concerning your issues. As far is AA goes...starting and stopping...scenario, is used as a tool of control in my opinion. If he has been to meetings, he knows what needs to be done, and only he can do the steps! Therefore, you coming back is not helping him, or your children, that is my opinion, but I would also add, this is a very complicated and serious situation, and you should not be handling it alone! In that sense, know you are not alone...that is why there is so much help out there readily available for exact circumstances. Professionals have dealt with this many times, they know what they're doing, and is why sometimes it takes a professional to help us do our job, role effectively. You need to sit down with your family doctor, and open up...let him/she know what's going on. Be good to yourself, and your children...as far as turning your back on him is concerned, it is better seen as turning your back to negative behavior, and making decisions for a better life for your children and yourself. The choice is still yours...but each day will impact on your children, who will learn what they see...and perhaps that will be your courage making steps for a better life. Hope that helps, and wishing you strength in face of hard decidions...Good Luck!

Answer 8

Ur heart is in the right place of not wanting 2 leave him but why should u be the only one making sacrifices? Ur children should always come first and ur right they will grow up thinking it's OK. Get him help or get ur kids out of there and when they are ready explain 2 them why. Let ur husband know ur tired and ready 2 let him kill his self alone with all his drinking.

Answer 9

Do you have a video camera? You could record him when he's been drinking then show it to him when he's not in a bad mood.
Just a suggestion. If he's gone to AA he knows his drinking is a problem. You have to give him an ultimatum even with the kids. It's better for them that they not see him like that or endure his wrath when he's drunk. But, on the other hand, he sounds mean even when not drunk. He accuses you of lying? Not cool.

Answer 10

Don't stay for the kids. Get out of that relationship. As you already know, he can be a daddy without you being married. Unless you like him being verbally abusive to your son. Forget about yourself for a second......think about your son.