Best joke?

Question

tell me the funnyest joke and i will rate the best one

Answer 1

What did one tampon say to another tampon? Nothing, they were both stuck up bitches!!!

Answer 2

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night

and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a

big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that

after dinner, she would like to go out and make love

for the first time.

* * * * * * * * *

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex

before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get

some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and

the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.

He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and

sex.

* * * * * * * * *

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many

condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family

pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he

thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

* * * * * * * * *

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents

house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm

so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

* * * * * * * * *

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table

where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly

offers to say grace and bows his head.

* * * * * * * * *

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer,

with his head down.

* * * * * * * * *

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

* * * * * * * * *

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the

girlfriend leans over and whispers to the

boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

* * * * * * * *

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your

father was a pharmacist."

Answer 3

Two blondes are walking down the sidewalk.
One blonde says to the other"My boyfriend has dandruff
so I gave him head and shoulders". And the the other blonde
stops and looks at her with a confused look on her face and
asks "How do you give shoulders"?

About a week goes bye and the same blonde is driving
in her car down a back country road.When she comes
to a cross road and a stop sign. when she stops at the crossroads.she looks to the left.And then she looks to the right
when she looks to the right she sees a blonde in a rowboat
in the middle of a field rowing a boat.WELL that gets her
really mad.So she jumps out of the car.and goes to the side of the road and asks"Hey what the hell do you think youre doing
in the middle of a field rowing a boat"?Dont you know that your making us blondes look bad "? If i could swim id come out there
and kick yur a**

Answer 4

At an interfaith convention, a Catholic Priest, an Islamic Cleric, and a Jewish Rabbi are sitting around a table discussing how they came to their faiths.

The Catholic Priest begins: "Well, when I was but a child, my family had been on a holiday in Northern Ireland, and we were travelling back to Dublin by airplane when suddenly, a great storm began to buffet the plane to and fro and back and forth and violently as nothing I had ever experienced as a young lad, so I began to pray, and I prayed with all me heart like this, "Oh Lord, I know that I have not been a perfect child, that I have been spiteful toward my brothers and sisters, that I have caused my father and mother much grief, but for all my offenses against them and you, I am truly sorry. Please forgive my sins, oh Father, and let us land in Dublin safely, amen." Which is exactly what happended, and my faith has been strong ever since."

Then it was the Muslim Cleric's turn, and he spoke thusly:

"When I was a child, we were returning from the holy pilgrammage to Mecca, where the hadj had been completed, and we had done our true duty as Muslims to make this journey at least once in our lifetimes. We were returning to our tribal homelands on our camels, when suddenly a tremendous sandstorm came upon us and overtook us completely, so much so that we could not see, and indeed, it seemed that soon we would perish in the sands because increasingly also, we could not breathe. So I was so scared, that I began to pray to Allah as hard and as strong as it is permitted the first son to do, "Al-al-al-al-al-al-al-al-al-al!!!"and so on, until suddenly the sands parted, the sun came down once more, and we were safe to complete our journey once more. From that day, my faith has been strong ever since.

Then the Rabbi spoke:

"I was coming home from the temple on the Sabbath, just a young boy really, perhaps all of 12, it was a dusty road with no shade, and I was thirsty, and the cars were speeding past, no one I knew who could give me ride, mind you, when I happened to look into the ditch to my right, where I vwas completely and utterly amazed to find a large, leather bag with a dollar sign on the outside. When I opened the bag, I realized it was the biggest bag of cash I would probably ever see. So, immediately, I fell upon my knees and I prayed, Father! You know it is forbidden for a Jew to handle money on the Sabbeth, and my hands have already touched this bag and this wealth. Oh, holy Father, I cannot relieve myself from this horrible dilemma, what should I do, what should I do? Amen. And when I opened my eyes, suddenly, IT WAS TUESDAY, and my faith has been strong ever since. --->Hope you liked this one, UC Steve

Answer 5

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?“

Answer 6

What Do U Call 100 Lawyers Buried Up To Their Neck In Sand?? Not Enough Sand !!

Answer 7

So a man finds out from his doctor that he only has 12 hours left to live. Of course, he's devistated. He goes home and tells his wife the news, and decides that, in his last hours of life, he wants to make love to his wife as many times as he can. So, they get to business. . . they do it, four, five, six times . . . then they go to bed. 3:30 in the morning rolls around, and the husband nudges his wife and whispers "Sweetie, i want to make love to you ONE last time before i go." The wife replies, "Easy for you to say, you don't have to get up in the morning."

Answer 8

OK, FOR ALL OF YOU BLONDES, THIS IS NO OFFENCE, BUT THESE ARE LIKE THE ONLY JOKES I KNO!!!

ok, there was a mirror that sucked you up if u lied to it....one day a red head came in, looked at the mirror,and said, " i am the prettiest girl in the world!" and was sucked up by the mirror. then a brunette came in, looked in the mirror and said, " i am the prettiest girl in the universe!' and was sucked up by the mirror. then a blonde came in, looked in the mirror, and said, " i think..." and was sucked up by the mirror.... blondes dont think.

Answer 9

Sorry it's not exactly a joke but the funniest thing I've ever heard...

Have you ever laughed so hard milk came out your nose?

-And you weren't even drinking milk?!!

OMG... Every time I think about that I start laughing so hard- It's just so ridiculous it's funny.

Answer 10

One day, in a small town in the middle of no-where, a redneck wearing nothing but jeans and suspenders was pumping gas into his pinto at the local gas station. To his surprise, a rich man in a Ferrari pulled up next to him to pump gas into his $600,000 car. As the rich man was pumping gas he looked over at the bewildered redneck. Noticing the admiration on his face the rich man asked, in a cocky tone, "what, you wanna race farm boy?" Not one to back down to a challenge the redneck replied in a defiant tone "I sure do city boy!"

Shortly after that, the two men had there cars lined up on a super long stretch of straight road. The two men were standing in between the two cars discussing how to insure a fair start.

They finally concluded that the rich man would hold up 3 fingers and do a count down. When the last finger dropped they would go for it. So the rich man opened his door and stepped into his car, then the redneck walked around to the door of his car and climbed in.

The rich man started the count down and when the last finger fell they took off.

The rich man decided to toy with the redneck and only shift up to second gear, but by the time he got to full speed in second gear the pinto was just a dot in his rear view mirror. "What a waste of time." the rich man thought.

suddenly, RRRRROOOOOOMMMMMM!!! The pinto went roaring by.

"Whoa!" the rich man said. So then he shifted up into 3rd then 4th gear to still give the redneck a sporting chance. Once again the pinto became a dot in his rear view mirror.

RRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!!!!!! To the rich man's surprise the pinto went flying by again!

"FINE!" The rich man shouted. So then he went all out, shifting up into 6th gear and putting the pedal to the floor. By now the Ferrari was doing about 210 Mph. The Ferrari blew by the pinto and once again the pinto became a tiny speck in his rear view.

RRRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMM!!!!!! The pinto blew by him again, practically blowing the Ferrari's doors off.

Having been beaten by the pinto the rich man pulled over to the side of the road and stopped. In a rage he got out and slammed his door as the redneck backed up next to his car.

"WHAT KIND OF MOTOR DO YOU HAVE IN THAT PINTO!" Shouted the rich man.

The redneck climbed out of his Pinto shaking like a nervous Chihuahua and replied, "I have no idea, BUT I GOT MY SUSPENDERS CAUGHT IN YOUR DOOR!!"

Answer 11

What the speed limit for sex? 68 b/c 69 you would have to turn around