A dilemma, of sorts?

Question

I am asking a lot of kiddie queries because I have been deemed by the courts to be the custodian of my crackhead sisters infant child. I have no kids of my own, and I really am not feeling this, but, if I don't take Jan'ai (my neice) she will go into foster care. I have made so many plans with my husband. We were due to vacation in Mexico this next month, about the fourth of July. But now, I have to go buy diapers and some special milk Ja'nai has to have called (nutramagen) sp? Set up a nursery, and get ready to play mamma when I am not ready to. I feel like, if she wanted to live the streetlife, she should have never gotten pregnant. Now, my husband and I (who are in the military) have to adopt and care for this 4 month old crackbaby. I don't even know where to begin. Everything gets finalized next week, and she comes home. How do I be a mother to a baby I have never even met, or birthed? I never even had a kitten. I'm scared.

No, I work civilian work contracted by the Military, and my husband is actually IN the military, sorry, a little emotional right now, I should have clarified.

Answer 1

God bless you for rising to the occasion. This child has no one else to depend on. I think that everyone who becomes a parent, even intentionally, feels inadequate. You will discover that there are maternal qualities within yourself that you never knew existed. You may have to put off this vacation, but it is possible to vacation with kids, though it's not quite the same. You understand that Ja'nai should not have to suffer just because she had the misfortune to be born to a mother who never should have had her. She is not the child of your body, but she can become the child of your heart. Try to find a support network with other moms of young kids, so you will not feel alone as you figure out what you are supposed to be doing. I predict that in a short time, you will see this as a great blessing. Keep asking questions as things come up, because this community will truly support you. You are a good person.

Answer 2

I read some of the other answers and their seems to be mix of opinions.
On the one hand some are asking you not to feel what you do, others are telling you in essence to "get over it" and then some are using the"selfish" word. I do not believe you are any of those-your feelings are honest ones-and at least you have the guts to say so. Let me share from the perspective of a child raised by family members just cause it was the thing to do. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't abused or anything, but the I did this cause I had to vibe was always there. If, in your heart you don't feel that will change, please do the little one a favor and have a wonderful family adopt. Blood family isn't always the best solution especially when it's felt as a put upon obligation. You have anger towards your family member who put you in this situation and that is totally understandable too, but I don't quite get the societal mentality that says "Oh, you have no choice." that's bull. Take a long hard soul searching look at things and if to you and you alone this seems as too monumental dont be afraid to make other arrangements-for everyone's benefit. The world is filled with kind loving people who want children and would make excellent parents-don't rule that out if as you say you are truly not "feeling it"-remember we all belong to the same family-some branches are just a little longer. Blood is not always better just cause it's blood-I wish I'd never been taken in and raised just from guilt. I'll never know what it feels like to be chosen and loved as a member of a family-just for me-I was robbed of that by those who thought obligation
and face saving within the family were more important. If, as you say,
it may just be fear,then take a deep breath-and press on-Good luck-and
God Bless.
P.S. Has the issue of what's going to happen with your sister's next baby been addressed? Just a thought-it usually happens more than once-if you know what I mean.

Answer 3

Honey, Take a breath! First, you said that you have neer even met the baby. I know that it is scary, hell even having you own bay is scary, let a lone getting one that you did not have 9 months to prepare for. Just think about one thing, that little girl did not ask to be born into this world, let alone be born to a crackhead! I am guessing that you are all the family she has, which means that she is all the family you have. I don't want to sound preachy, so don't take that way. There is no reason that you guys can't take a vacation, babies travel well. It really is not as hard as it seems right now. Besides you have a hubby that you take care of, a baby will be a piece of cake. There are lots of services that you can get help from, ask the social worker, or the babies doctor. Do not be afaid to ask for help or ask questions. You can always email me if you want. I raised 2 boys, plus a couple of extras a long the way. I sort of have a nack of taking in stray, as my hubby puts it. Kids are easier to manage than you think. The big thing is lots of hugs and kisses. It will be a big adjustment for you at first, but I promise you will find you groove, and things will fall into place. Being that you two are in the military you should have access to some type of support groups and other moms are a big help. Just give her lots of love, that will probably happen the first time you hold her in your arms. Just be patient, and have a little faith in yourself. If you need to vent or just talk, or have a question feel free to email me. I hope that things og well for you.

Answer 4

I admire you so much for stepping in and taking the little one into your home. I know that this is a hard situation for you, but think of it this way...you have saved this child from a life of being bounced around from place to place for the majority of her life. I live in a state where the children that end up in state custody usually have a good chance at permanency (or finding a stable home) but most states do not have this. A child could move from up to 14 foster placements and group homes by the time they hit 18. You will be scared and you will feel all sorts of emotions. This is normal for a new foster mom. Don't be mad at yourself for feeling this way. I would recommend speaking to a counselor to help you learn how to adjust to this sudden change.

As far as the formula, I would check with the Health Department to see if you could get WIC or some type of assistance since you are caring for an adoptive child. There is usually financial help for first year items such as that.
Was the child first in state custody before coming to you? If so, I would ask Family Services for information regarding expenses that you will incur while having an infant in your home. Our state actually has a stippen that is given to buy diappers,formula, etc.

It will take a lot of adjustment, but please know that you have done a wonderful thing. It's not about your sister and her transgressions. It is about helping a little infant who ended up in a really bad situation.

Answer 5

First, if you don't really want to raise the child, maybe she would be better off in foster care. What a baby needs most is someone to love him/her. Babies are a lot of work, and I'm sure a baby who is addicted to crack will be even more work. But there is nothing like the look a baby gives you. They need so much, but they give so much love. They love you unconditionally. There are sacrifices to raising a child, but you get so much back. It's really very hard to explain until you experience it. You're whole perspective changes. If after the shock of being told you are expected to raise a baby wears off, and you do want to raise the baby, just love her. Follow her doctors instructions and ask questions when you aren't sure of anything. Buy the book, What to Expect the First Year. It's a great book for first time parents.

Second, I'm adopted and I never felt like my parents (who adopted me) didn't love me. I'm sure you will form a bond with the baby. I worked in a daycare center one summer and I formed a bond with those babies in the nursery. Not a mommy bond, but I was only with them 4 hours a day. It was sad to leave them at the end of the summer.

You can do this. But please remember Jan'ai didn't cause the situation and she deserves so have a caregiver who loves her unconditionally! Please don't resent her. You are all she has. You will make a difference.

Answer 6

ouch...u said both , you and ur husband, is in the military? thats going to be a problem..
if u are still active in the military(meaning u have to leave home for months at a time) then i suggest u leave, let someone take care of it, many mothers are haveing trouble balancing a child and part time job, u on the other hand got a child, full time job plus trainning, its totally not worth it, and if u go through with this chances are it might not seem worth it, u can seriously damage a child, childhood is the most important thing to a child, it is what decide if the child will be doing drugs, getting pregant, and joining gangs.

i know everyone who reads this might think im mean, but im not, im being honest, compassion is good, but if ur going to mess up, then its best to find someone else, i really understand u, i got a brother in the marines right now and he only come back once a full moon, if i were a child, and he was my supporter, then ill be going crazy, chances are, ill be smoking by the time im 11 years old

Answer 7

After reading some of your other questions just now, I was getting a pretty bad opinion of you, until I read this one. I cannot tell you I know what you are going through, because I don't know. I have a child that was planned and that I was ready for. You have a good heart to take in your niece when you weren't even planning to raise a child. It will be hard at first, but as you get to know each other things will get easier, believe me. I hope that you will have a good pediatrician to work with you because of her drug issues. Please send me an email message if you would sincerely like more advice about feeding or sleeping or whatever. I'm a mom and I have a day care in my home, I truly enjoy working with children and babies. You also might want to contact a local hospital and see if they offer any baby basics classes or newborn parenting classes that you could attend to give you more specific information. Good luck.

Answer 8

WOW ~ That was a lot to take in. All I can say is that you have to do what is right for you. My recommendation would be to see if she could go into temporary foster care in your area so that you could have visitation first. Just bringing home this special needs baby, whom you've never met isn't good for you or the baby. You need to get an understanding of what you are getting yourself into first. I know a lot of people will say, she's your niece so you have to do it, but again I stress, it has to be what is right for you and your husband too. Bringing home a child with this kind of background is going to be the biggest life changing event you could possibly imagine. There is nothing wrong with you telling a judge you need more time to prepare. After some visitation, you would have a better idea of if you can even provide the kind of care this child needs. And if you do bring her into your home, get lots of support services involved. You can get more info on this from the baby's social worker. Best of luck to you. Keep us posted.

Answer 9

Take a deep breath, it will get easier. I too am a military wife, I understand the ups and downs. We have 3 sons and a baby on the way, and I get to keep my 7 month old nephew for a week every 2 months. (My sister is irresponsible and pushes her responsibility on either my parents or me.)

At first this is going to feel like a huge burden, but after a while (like her first real smile that is just for you, you will melt). Being a "mother" is going to be something that is going to develop over time, but it will happen as long as you are willing.

As for help, check with the base's family support center or family advocacy center. They are a HUGE help with learning how to take care of a baby. Also look into getting on WIC, it will help tremendously with the cost of the formula. Also if you are unable to qualify for WIC, nutramagen is a special "medical" formula and Humana/Tricare should order & pay for it for you. If your neice has special needs the base should be able to refer you to support groups of other moms that can better explain what to do from their experiences. I hope this helps. If you have any further questions email me anytime. Good luck & remember you are saving your niece and providing her a hopeful future.

Answer 10

Maybe the best thing for the child is foster care. I dont think its selfish for you not to want to do this, because technically it is ur life being inconvienienced. Just cause you guys are family doesnt mean love is going to come automatically and you cant force it either. If you cant learn to love this child, growing up in an unloved household would be detrimental for her. Also you may (not on purpose but) guilt trip this child. Im sure you dont want her to grow up feeling like shes an obligation (even if she is). Everyone isnt cut out for parenthood and being forced into it isnt going to make you ready. Im sorry this is happening to you. I hope she gets a good home though whether it's with you or another family.