Are there any women out there who have been able to reform a brutally abusive man?

Question

I love this man more than I've ever felt before. I know that sounds silly and weak. I am 38 years old, been married once and divorced and thought I would never feel such powerful love for a man again.
I am not living with him anymore. I can't be because of the random beatings that are so horrible I will not describe them here. I know most people, and all the books just say "get out".
But are there any women or men out there who have been able to overcome this behavior?
The last time I stopped by to see him, I recieved a bloody nose and a chunk of my hair was ripped out of my head by the roots because at 1am I told him I was feeling tired and wanted to go home and go to bed. I wasn't allowed to leave until the next morning when I slipped away while he was sleeping.
I feel rediculous even asking this question but that's what this is all about right? I can't seem to stop feeling hopeless and intensley depressed that I can't be with him forever. I truly love him.
Thank you,
Sarah

I said I do not live with this man anymore. I know what will happen if I return.
To the answer that "child services should show up at my door"-LET ME MAKE THIS VERY CLEAR-
My children were NEVER exposed to any of this violence whatsoever. They are teenagers who live and work with thier father, my first husband who is a wonderful, wonderful man.
My question was is there any known case of a man being reformed.
Please do not attack me in a such a manner.

To all the other fantastic, caring people who answered my question I thank you from the bottom of my heart. I can't tell you enough how what you have said gives me hope and maybe I might start to see that little light at the end of the tunnel. Remember, I do not live with him. I have visited him once in over three months. I mistakenly believed that he was over whatever it is he feels for me...It's very, very confusing. But I am safe now and have no further contact with him. However, I cannot help mourn the loss.
Sarah

Answer 1

Hi Sarah.

The simple answer is no, you can’t change the nature of a person. It sounds as if he is mentally unstable, and if he is unwilling to acknowledge that what he’s done to you is wrong, he has a problem, and needs professional help, then I doubt that he’ll ever change. You say that you love him, but your attachment to him is unhealthy and dangerous. Does he apologize and promise to change everytime he hurts you? That’s the vicious cycle of abuse, and it never ends. To return to someone after being abused by them multiple times, shows that you depend on him for your happiness and feelings of self worth. I know that you’ve heard it/seen it before, but leave him alone, get away from this man.

I know he may have his moments when he’s loving and caring, but do you realize that this man could kill you? Anyone who can brutally attack and beat you can also be your murderer. Do you notice how impossible it is to get through to him when he’s in a fit of rage? It’s like he’s Michael Meyers or Jason. You can’t even reason or plead with him, he’s hell-bent on making you feel pain, and nothing will stop him. All it takes is a broken neck, or a cracked skull from being pushed down and landing the wrong way, or he could stab you, or set you on fire.

I’m not saying this from the outside looking in; I speak from experience, because I too was once in an abusive relationship. I couldn’t imagine my life without him in it, even though he hurt me so much, but I somehow found the strength to move on, and I know you can do it too. But don’t try to do it alone. Seek professional help, and take a look at some of the websites that I’ve included. It will take time, and at first, it may seem hopeless, but time will heal all wounds, and he’ll only be an afterthought. Focus on loving yourself, don't try to jump into another relationship right away. You don't need a man to be "complete," you can do that by yourself. And when the time is right, being involved with someone should complement your life, not validate it.

Answer 2

Okay, here's what you do.

#1: you are not responsible for "reforming" another person. The only person who can reform him is HIM. You have no control over this, you have no responsibility towards this. There is absolutely no chance you will ever be able to change him. Only he can do that, and it doesn't sound like he's going to change. Ever. you may think he's different, or that you have some power over him that no other woman ever had over a man, but he isn't, and you don't.

#2: think about this for a moment: why would you be in love with someone who treats you so horribly? It can't be because he's a great guy, because he's BEATING YOU. It can't be because of the way he treats you, because he's BEATING YOU. So what could it be?

a) For some reason, you are attracted to guys who beat you. If this is the case, for your own safety, get out of the relationship and into counseling right away.

b) Your feelings are lust, or devotion, or something else that isn't love, but is strong and overwhelming. If this is the case, for your own safety, get out of the relationship and examine your feelings again once you're gotten some distance -- outside of the immediacy of the relationship, you should be able to view your feelings for what they truly are.

c) You are depressed. Often, depressed people will actually seek out and become attached to situations that reinforce their depression -- there's often nothing more comforting to a depressed person than being able to say "there's a good reason why I'm depressed", after all -- and when you're in a situation like this, it's easy to forget that you have the power to end it. If this is the case, for your own safety, get out of the relationship and get counseling/medication for your depression so that you can get your life back.

You'll notice a common thread in the above options -- they all start with "for your own safety, get out of the relationship." Do that, even if you do nothing else.

Answer 3

wow! I was in a very abusive relationship when my children were very young, I actually left him when my youngest was 1. they are now 12 and 14. They had little to do with him until about 3 years ago. We had been talking and he just seemed different, so after much soul searching, I decide that they could visit during the summers and he could be welcomed into my home for visits. Everything seemed okay, then last year after the summer visit my son the 14 year old decided that he would no long be visiting his father-with out explanation.
I left it at that. My daughter went this year and swears all is well, but about 2 weeks into the visit my ex's girlfriend called and she was hysterical. She started telling me a story that was exactly like my own. She gave details that only I would have known, because you know no man will ever admit to doing those kinds of thing.
Needless to say he has not changed, he just go better at fooling me. I had to go get my daughter early and she will no long be able to go visit. I would like to think that he would never hurt her, but really he already has. I think it is awful for a child to have to witness those kinds of things. It teaches our daughters that it is okay to be treated that way and teaches our sons that, is how a man is to behave. I wish I had an example of an abusive man changing but I just do not believe it can happen... It took 11 years for this monster to rise again, but he did.

Answer 4

Please Sarah, Honor yourself. Before we can love another we must first love ourselves. In the situation you describe neither of you care about yourselves or each other. And no returning for physical abuse is not love, it is masochism. You cannot reform another person. Only an individual can change themselves and they have to want to change. Doesn't sound like the man has any problem with being brutal. Love yourself Sarah and love life. Stay safe and keep away from physical abuse in all forms.

Answer 5

Years ago i was where you are and i know why i was there...i didn't love myself and today, not 100% but better than i have ever been. I now can spot a jack *** like that a mile away and you know what? i walk away , back off, don't take interest and most importantly , i don't wear that "victim" sign and they can't find me. What i mean by that is , i would fall for the sweeetest lines by these abusers and now no lines cause, I am stronger now : ) and they are blind to strength, they play on vulnerable and weakness. As time goes by, this will make more sense to you, right now it might not, but please? please? give yourself time to heal and become stronger and like you and love you ok? . I promise, you give yourself a chance, it does get better.

Answer 6

No, there aren't. But there are plenty of women who are no longer out there because they tried it, and he ended up killing her.

Get out now, and stay out. It's over. It's just as over as if he was dead. No matter how much you love him, you can't be with him. Mourn him from a distance if you have to. Better still, find yourself another man. There are plenty of kind, thoughtful, caring men out there who don't need to be reformed.

Answer 7

The answer is no. No woman can "reform" a brutally abusive man. My wife said something once I felt was very wise. I'll pass it on to you.

"When a man shows you who he really is, even once, believe him."

Answer 8

never once a beater always a beater there is no reform on departure

Answer 9

if you have children, child services should show up at your door immediately. if not, thank god. and you need serious help. serious, serious help.