my husband and i have a big problem help please?

Question

yesterday i caught my husband talking on the phone with a female friend of his he had told me a week ago when we where having problems he liked her and he was saving her as a backup in case things didnt work out but we are giving our selves another oppertunity i told him to end there friendship but he got ubset he wants me to end my friendship with a male friend of mine i've known for 5 years what should i do?

Answer 1

Simple. You both need to lose your friendship with the opposite sex. If that doesn't work then you both need to get marriage counseling, seriously! Then if that doesn't work you both need to get a divorce rather than spend the rest of your lives making each other miserable.

You see honey, when people get married they aren't suppose to be having these extra really close friendships with the opposite sex. You're both married now, honey. If you want him to drop his friend then it's only fair that you drop your friend, first. It would be different if your friend had a wife, and you invited them both out to dinner with "both" you and your husband; but if you are out alone with this male friend of yours then that is taboo, honey. There may not be anything sexual going on, but Honey, it's still taboo. My husband and I would never even think of doing something like that. I have a male coworker friend at work that has invited both my husband and I over to his house to watch movies and have dinner with "both" him and his wife. However, my male coworker and I would never dream or consider doing these things alone with one another.

Answer 2

1st off there were already alot of problems in this relationship. 2nd he started looking for a replacement for a reason.
3rd he lied about getting rid of this women (hence, I caught him)
4th Why are you so upset about giving up the friendship with someone who makes your husband feel threatened. (is he your backup-even emotianally)

It really sounds to me like your husband doesn't really plan on this marriage working. He is giving you a second chance only because he feels an obligation to. He is deflecting the responsibility for his talking to his friend on your male friend because that is his only defense for something he intends to keep doing. It sounds like he doesn't take the consequences of his actions very well. I'll bet everything that goes wrong in his life is someone else's fault. He is not there for you emotionally which is probably why he feels threatened by your male friend.

As for you. Your writing us because your not sure that your marriage is worth giving up a friend who has been there for you when your husband has not. I don't think you really plan on it working either. I know you probably hope it will but you not sure.

Your marriage is not going to accidently fix itself. You both have to be seriously committed to putting your marriage 1st or you might as well get out now and save the future heartache.

Answer 3

Pray on it, ma'am, that's really your best hope.

Get in his face and tell him that he comes first in your life and that if it would make him feel better, you will decrease contact with your male friend to make it as bearable as possible, but that he is still a friend and you will not cut people out of your life to soothe an irrational concern in your husband's mind. Likewise, tell him that his backup on the side is different, and you want his undivided affection, nothing less. You two are married and unless you both have each other's full trust and love, then how can you expect to be happy?

This is not men in black, dammit, there will be no training of replacements until the first agent is out of the picture!

Attention will always be divided, you're human; but affections should never be divided, you're married.

(Who the hell does he think he is!?)

Answer 4

Your husband told you to get rid of your male friend because he's knows that as long as you keep him, he can keep her. He knows that there's nothing going on between the 2 of you but he wants an excuse to keep his friendship.

Now do you want to stay with him? Is he willing to work on your marriage? Is your marriage a priority for both of you? If yes, then you both need to make compromises. If he's willing to end his friendship, then you should be too. You need to put your marriage first.

That being said, I want to tell you a story... my best friend, who happens to be a man, started dating this women. I had never met her as we don't live in the same state. Anyway, she was very jealous of our friendship. (btw- he and I had never been anything more than friends since we first met over 10 years ago). About 6 months into their relationship, she told him he had to make a choice. He told me and athough I didn't like it, I respected that he needed to make that choice. He stayed with her for 4 years. When they broke up, he called me and we spoke for almost 3 hours. He told me all about the relationship and everything that happened. I told him what had happened in my life. We got caught up and our friendship picked up where it left off. He was my best man at my wedding and I'll be his maid of honor at his next year.

Our friendship survived because we respected each other and each other's relationships. If your friendship is true, then he'll understand and respect any decision you make. If you work it out with your husband, maybe your husband will one day be able to appreciate and respect your friendship. Good luck.

Answer 5

If your husband and his female friend are in the habit of ringing each other up fairly regularly, then it is serious. If possible visit her and explain calmly and kindly that she is breaking up your marriage and to stop. Then tell your husband that you love him but you find the situation very hurtful and unless he stops his behavior you will seek divorce in order to stop the suffering. In return offer to gradually reduce your own long standing friendship with your man friend. In any case you should never meet him by arrangement.

If your husband does not agree, go for divorce while the going is good, but be nice about it. That way he will remember what a nice wife he lost.

Answer 6

Backup?

And he actually said this out loud...?

(To think it but keep it to himself was bad enough. To actualy tell you is like shooting you in the head, emotionally.)

He's not committed to your marriage. He shouldn't be planning his escape. If you're important enough to marry, he should be willing to crash and burn if necessary to make things work.

So what's the deal with your male friend? Is he just a friend, or is he a potential romance in case your marriage fails?

If he's just a friend, then it sounds like your husband is simply being defensive, trying to deflect guilt by focusing on how you have a friend of the opposite gender.

Regardless, what's your marriage worth to you? If you said, "Okay," and stopped talking to your male friend, would your husband uphold his part of the bargain? (Probably he was bluffing. He doesn't expect you to agree.)

You have every right to tell him that he needs to get rid of his backup plan and stick with you, or take his backup plan and get out. He needs to make a decision about what he's going to do.

You don't discuss the actual problems you've been having, so I'm not sure how to direct you on that -- except to find a counselor to see, or an older married couple who can tell you what they went through and how they survived it. That's what you should do, if he decides to see things through and commit to you.

Answer 7

I am not sure how long he has known this "female" friend. but, its probably harmless. if you have a "male" friend and nothing is going on between the two of you, then probably the same for him and his "female" friend. guys will be guys and they WILL say and only say things that know hurt us to the fullest extent just to get to us. Men for some reason want to hurt us verbally. but shake it off and dont let it get to you. i wouldnt put too much thought into it anymore. I hope all turns out well for you.

Answer 8

sounds to me like he has already made up his mind, and believes things are not going to work out with you guys. he is not going to end his friendship with this girl... tell him you dont want him to end his friendship, but just put in on the side while you two work out your problems. and not to talk to her during that time. talk to your friend of five years and tell him that right now you have some marital issues that you are trying to take care of, and that you wont be talking to him for a while. then, tell your husband to do the same...

if he is willing to put his friendship "aside" for a while, so that you both can have time to work things out... then he is trying... if he wont even do that... then you are the only one trying to save something that in his mind is already over. sorry, and good luck.

Answer 9

well first of all if your husband is telling you he has a backup in case things don't work out, he's an ***. secondly, have you ever threatened to leave him for your male friend? if not, he doesn't have a leg to stand on. if so, you both need to think about why you're threatening each other that way.

Answer 10

I can tell you if you want things to really work you both need to put everyone else aside for now and work through whatever problems you are having. Both of you will keep the jealousy charade going if you don't cut your other contacts. Marriage is sacrifices and if you both need to cut off others to make things work then you should BOTH do it. If you are expecting him to quit talking to his friend then you should expect to do the same your self.