OH MY GOD! Am I my father?

Question

My dad cheated on my mom when I was a kid. 10 years of cheating. I'm 42, middle child syndrome (gay but that's not the issue) and I'm in a 5 year relationship. My s/o is 18 years younger than me, in a different stage in life (retirement planning vs. going back to college) He has different interests, and thru a life of fending for myself (he's my first real relationship, I was 36, he was 18) I see a shrink, but lately, i want to get us into couples counseling. I love him, care about him, want the best for him, but...
the more issues we have, the more distant I feel, and the more my eyes wander. This one friend just came out, and is exploring his wild side (he's scored 4 times this week with 4 guys) and I'm very jealous. I want that. I want the excitement, the thrill of the hook up. He's busy with his job and hobby a lot.
What to do?

Answer 1

Well, first let me say that no, you're not your father. Sounds to me like you've learned from his mistakes. That you want to make things right before you hurt the one you are with. I can't tell you what to do, but I will tell you that you have the right to be happy. Completely & totally happy..not part time. Sounds to me like you're missing the excitement that a new relationship brings. Have you tried talking to him? Telling him how you feel? Have you told HIM that you want to try therapy together? Sounds to me like you love this guy, but you want excitement. Try to spice things up in the bedroom, I can't exactly give you advice there but...try new things..Do you really want what your friend has? Are you willing to give up someone who loves you, who's been there for you for 5 years for a little excitement? Think about it....tell him you need more TIME with him. Try a mini-vacation if nothing else, the 4th is coming up, try going out of town, get a hotel..tie him up & break out the whipped cream - something to get the "WOW" back into your relationship..

Best of luck sweetie, Marilyn

Answer 2

I would ask myself what I really wanted. Why do you crave excitement? Do you think having casual sex with multiple partners will sate your thirst for excitement or are you masking some other desire(s)? That type of behavior can be sooo dangerous not only to your physical well-being but to your mental well-being as well. Many times individuals who have attachment issues because of a past filled with disappointing intimate relationships with parents or other role models try to fill the void with sex. I also find it interesting that you are old enough to be your s/o's father. Take a long hard look at your self and ask yourself what you REALLY want! Keeping seeing your "shrink" and if you continue to feel distance from your s/o then I would recommend couples counseling b/c obviously your communication is breaking down somewhere. If he is unwilling to at least give it a shot I think you have to ask yourself how much both of you are actually committed to the relationship.

Answer 3

It is natural to sometimes feel distant to those you love....relationships are hard and have to be worked on constantly. I have to say, though, I am suprised to hear that it is you that is wandering...usually it seems like it is the younger one in the relationshp who feels like they need to explore more before they finally committ. I would suggest that you go and talk to someone....there's no shame in it. It could be that your father's past has jaded you and therefore you are resistant to commit. Talking to a professional could really help to shed some light on the situation. I wouldn't act on any impulses until you are absolutely sure what you want to do. If you decide you are sure you want to see other people...tell your partner before you do!!! You don't want to continue the family cycle of cheating....best of luck...

Answer 4

You need something fun and exciting to do with your partner...5 years calls for a little communication! If you can tell the public you're gay, why can't you talk to him about the lack of a wild side?

Answer 5

sounds like a sort of a typical midlife crisis. I think counseling is a good idea if you want to work on keeping the relationship and making it better. right now you are on the path to cheating, heartbreak and splitting up. Is that where you want to go? or do you want to try to revitalize or re-energize the relationship you have? YOu should talk to your partner about this. Now.

Answer 6

Sounds to me like it's time for a change for you. Let this guy go and move on. You say he was your first real relationship? He was also very young when it started. Times change, people change. You didn't say what problems you two have but whatever they are...it's causing you to think differently about him. Move on and explore what's out there. Maybe you two can work it out later.

Answer 7

So what's all this crap we hear on this forum about homosexual life relationships. It's nothing more than a jockey club. You lot are selfish, promiscuous and self-centered. So you blame your dad's infidelity when you were young, so what, you're a big boy now. Act your age, not like a thirteen year old teenager.

Answer 8

I'd say explore the wild side and maybe throw a girl into the mix, they are fun

Answer 9

read what you wrote, the answer is there. you want excitement. you still love your boyfriend and you want to be with him, you guys just need to spice things up a bit, and couples counseling might not be such a bad idea. talk to him. he probably feels the distance too.

Answer 10

You need to get a grip... That what you need to do...
Chill out relax, you don't need to go out for thhe thrill of the hunt you need to be the age you are and come to terms with it.

Have you ever heard the term "Mid life Crisis" BINGO !!!