Why do wives of 15 + yr marriages stay, when the love on her side is gone, and she longs for a new start?

Question

You file for divorce over and over, he always talks you back saying he/she will change. They drink and smoke, something you have grown sick of over the years. It used to not bother you. You feel no passion or aching love for him/her. You feel like its more of a roommate situation, routine or spontaneus sex when its available. A dating relationship with the worst arguing/fighting you could imagine, sleeping together and living under the same roof, with or without kids, making decisions alone and together, whether you stay at home or work, sometimes its convienient.....but mostly....at the end of the day, you end up wanting to run away as fast as you can before the door hits you in the butt. Your a different person when your away from this "other" half. So if you were dating, and not married you'd say "screw this I'm outta here", but in a marriage.. all tangled with crap you say its a divorce. But its not that easy is it... Is it growing apart? Or simply a flaw of the human heart?

Answer 1

Good question :)

Answer 2

I'm sorry to hear how bad (or "dead") the whole thing feels for you right now.

Hope springs eternal, but you haven't been able to reap any positive conclusion after trying again and again.

People do grow apart. People have to actually make an effort to stay connected. Sometimes this means sacrifice (i.e., giving up some things you like to do in order to learn something of interest to your spouse). There's only so much time and energy to go around, so both spouses put boundaries on themselves in some ways in order to stick together.

I can't tell you what to do, specifically, since there's no detail on your husband's behavior or how you guys interact. Many couples get in the rut you're referring to; my wife and I struggle with it, since we're very different. I think the "roommate" feeling ("Is this all there is?") is very very common after fifteen years. Especially if you have kids and/or a busy schedule.

Both people need to set aside steady "blocks" of time to spend together -- doing something together (not watching TV) or talking about what's been going on. Both also have to understand that now it's a matter of their willingness to bond to the other person and mesh with them that matters, since the emotions are probably stale.

Emotions come more when you feel close to someone, but in early romance we use emotions to feel close (the opposite).

I don't see it as a flaw, but as an opportunity to choose to sacrifice and love and build something. Still, both people have to be willing. You need to decide what you are willing to do in regards to your marriage, and if the relationship is worth that amount of commitment.

As far as filing for divorce, I would not do that again unless you are serious about going through with it.

Answer 3

bluntly. humans need to work hard to be monogomous creatures. We are more tuned to serial monogomy than one for a life. few animals mate for life. marriage is a tangled web. It can be both a blessing and a curse. It sounds like you need a change. You'll most likely be more happy in the end. Yopu can't reprogram a person like a computer. we're not wired that way. File and keep it filed. put in for a restraining order and move out or kick him out. Forget the sex part you can get that anywhere.

Answer 4

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Answer 5

I've been married 20 years now and i have the same feelings.We commit to marriage.Divorce can seem like failure or giving up our dreams.Starting over seems so scary.Sometimes i think its all my fault and i might never be happy with anyone. It makes you crazy sometimes trying to figure it all out.

Answer 6

One universal truth about human beings is that they can't stand being alone. And, being alone can be very rewarding once we learn that we are our own best company.

You can decorate your home the way you want it, follow your own schedule, flirt with anyone you like; and, best of all, you don't have to put up with anyone else's idiosyncracies.

I've had it both ways and alone is the way I like it best.

Answer 7

If you don't like the movie ... you get up and leave