My fiance is over in Kuwait right now, and wants to wait until he is home this winter before we start planning our wedding. I asked him why he wanted to wait and his response was "What if something happens to me?" I know that the chances of him getting killed are pretty small (although I know there is still that possibility). After he says that, he then asks if we can start trying to have kids when he gets back. I tell him that I will be finished with school before having kids because once they come, my plans are put on the back burner, and will be married before I have kids with him, or anyone for that matter. I have told him this like 15 times now, and haven't once changed my mind or my answer. I'm curious as to what I can do to make him understand that I have a logical reason for wanting to finish school before having kids? And what would a good compromise be?
2006-06-29 06:57:45 · 8 answers · asked by prettycute4u62040 4 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
You understand your position. He understands his.
1 - Do each of you think the other understands you? Many people will not listen to an opposing view until they first feel they have been heard and understood. Make sure each of you feel you are understood.
2 - He may understand that you believe the education is best for you. What he may not understand is why your education is best for BOTH OF YOU and specifically for HIM, whether or not the two of you stay together. Those are the key reasons and rationales you may still need to find and explain better to him. And a related question to both answer is: Do you want your children's mother to have college degree? Especially if they are left alone with only one parent, the mother, as their only financial support?
3 - I think most of the other answers hear may be overly presumptious as to "why" he wants kids. "I may die" is not necessarily a motivating factor to have kids. I suspect he has many good reasons for considering children sooner rather than later.
4 - There IS probably room for compromise, and maybe in ways you have not considered yet.
5 - How do you get him to be considerate? For starters, send him a link to this answer/question discussion.
6 - I may be making an incorrect implication, but it sounds like you are inferring that his unwillingness to plan a wedding means that his is uncertain about commitment. That may or may not be true. It is a question to discuss frankly. His "What if something happens to me?" is a question for him to apply not just to wedding planning, but also to education & having kids. And I'm not sure I understand his raising that quesiton in response to a wedding. Is he suggesting you'd be better off if he died and you were a) without a college degree, b) not married & not eligible for potential widow benefits, and c) with a child? Let's not get the cart before the horses. The question to focus on is: What will create the most likelihood for broad success for both of you under the most likely scenarios?
7 - The two of you have the best access to information to determine what the solution might be. Like "fun nut" said, seek out professional third party counseling. Marriage may not be forever, but having children is forever and you want to make an educated choice you are happy with. It sounds like you are both considerate people, and unlike some military couples, at least you are discussing these issues openly.
2006-07-02 07:04:41 · answer #1 · answered by snoopy_jump 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Unfortunately, there appears to be little room for compromise. You want to wait until you're finished with your education, and he wants them as soon as he returns. There's really no middle ground there. If you don't finish college before having kids, you probably won't go back. That's just how life goes. If you are talking about high school and not college, there's no way you should get married or have kids before graduating.
I don't know of anyone that can argue with your logic. I believe the problem is that he doesn't understand WHY your education is important to you. You need to sit down and think of the reasons that you want an education and explain it to him.
A good education is definitely valuable, but I can certainly understand a man who has basically had a near-death experience not wanting to wait a few years to begin his family. If you are convinced that you want this education, then you must tell him why and help him understand that, once he's back, you will have many, many years together to have your family.
2006-06-29 06:59:23 · answer #2 · answered by FozzieBear 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Wow, tough one. Here's the deal. DO NOT MARRY him until you get some counselling or take a class at your church, DEFINITELY until you resolve this conflict. If he cannot respect your desires and priorities, then he will never change and be able to be a good husband to you. There are some things that you cannot find a middle ground of compromise. Not that there is no solution you can both agree to live with, but you have to figure that out for yourselves (possibly with help from a third party, like a therapist or minister).
~~~
If you are having trouble finding a solution to this problem, or even discussing it and respecting each other's viewpoint, then your marriage will be full of disrespect, conflict, and even bitterness. On the other hand, if you can learn to have positive disagreement communication and problem resolution, then your future together looks bright. Best of luck!
2006-06-29 07:12:50 · answer #3 · answered by im_a_fun_nut 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Hey, I understand that you want to finish school and all that's is important, but you have to realize people are dying everyday in the war. I know you feel that you should wait till after school but imagine how you would feel if (God forbid) you husband does get killed and you didn't have any children to carry on his legacy or to remind you of him everyday. You'd be kicking your self in the A** if that was to happen. Especially years down the line when have a child with another man you'll always wish you would have just scarified alittle for it. Children do take a big responsibility but when someone is gone you can never get them back, so think about that.
2006-06-29 07:16:33 · answer #4 · answered by rajahtalent 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
He only wants you to wait for him to get back for the wedding to ensure he has a say so in it considering this is his day too. He wants kids now since he has been gone because he has realized that anything could happen to him and wants to keep his family line going tell him "baby we can have 15 kids if you want to I know how important it is to you, but for us to provide and give our children the things they need to be happy other than love I need to finish school first" just talk to him he probably misses you and is being persistent about this to help you understand how much he wants you and a family with you. Plus if you have never seen Jarhead all of his buddies are giving him hell over there sayin that you are probably cheating on him
2006-06-29 07:07:34 · answer #5 · answered by Best answer 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Is he military or just working out there. I wouldn't comprimise here. Be a little suspicious that as to why he wants to get married and have kids so fast. Is it because he is getting old or could he have another reason? Just food for thought. But I would stick to your guns on your commitments and if this is the person you eventually want to marry then support him in his duty to his county and let him know that you are interested in marriage but at the time you stated before.
2006-06-29 07:03:29 · answer #6 · answered by b-in-oc 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Tell him you aren't even going to TALK to him about becoming a MOMMY until you are a MRS. And stick with it. Hang up on him if you have to.
2006-06-29 07:05:47 · answer #7 · answered by kill_yr_television 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
use bith control
2006-06-29 07:01:37 · answer #8 · answered by Guy R 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋