What do I do?

Question

I have recently found out from my boyfriends ex that they had an abortion. He has never mentioned this. We have a lot of trust issues, he cheated on (2 yrs ago, I just found out about a year ago) me and lied to me. We have been trying to work things through. He has been told if I found out one more lie, we are finished. He promises there i nothing else. I found out from her about this. I have given him a few opportunities to confess without directly asking him, because I do not want to break her confidence. What do I do? I love him, very, very much.

We have recently booked a cruise together to get away from our stress. It cannot be refunded, and no one can go other than the two of us.

I guess my question is- should I confront him with the issue of this abortion?

I thought maybe it was too personal too- but isn't that something you should tell someone you have been with for four years? When me and him first got together I thought I was three monthes pregnant with my ex's child. It turned out I wasn't, but I told him about it later. It wasn't at the time, but I did confess. Shouldn't he honor me with that as well, and no longer lie to me?

I guess I feel like he should confess because he has been lying about it, and when asked if he had ever had an abortion with a previous girlfriend, he told me "No, that is something I would tell you."

The cheating was definatly all him, and all his fault, and instigated by him. I AM wondering why she told me this, and yes Iwould have told him if I had had an abortion. I thought I was pregnant when I met him. I told him.

I'm also going to post this in other forums to get a variable response. I'm very troubled by this.

We already decided if I ever got pregnant we would have an abortion. He knows that it isn't really a sensitive issue with me, since I'm so pro-choice. I feel like it IS my territory, since He has lied about it. I've told him everything about my past, I feel like he should at least repect me enough to tell me the truth. Any truth I have gotten out of him ahs come from someone else first. I'm ready to hear something from HIM.

And it sucks, because I will probably be the one to blow this relationship because I can't leave the past the past. I feel like since I've been honest with him, he should be honest with me.

Answer 1

Cheating is never cool. As for lying, that all depends on your standpoint on it (as in, if he never divulged something does that make it a lie?).

The abortion, quite frankly is not of your concern. It happened in his past, so there you are. Leave well enough alone, and just learn to rebuild your relationship.

Besides, how can you trust his EX??? Maybe you're getting all worked up over a lie SHE told you.

Answer 2

Based on your description, it doesn't sound like he is lying because you haven't asked him about it. You've tried to trick him into confessing, which he didn't fall for, but that's not a lie. That just means he's not falling for your underhanded attempts to manipulate him into revealing something that is, frankly, none of your business.

Past relationships are past relationships. You don't have the right to pry into those things unless it pertains to your present relationship. Since you and he are not considering an abortion, then it's not something he "should" tell you about. If you want to know, just ask him and do away with the drama. You're creating waaay more stress on yourself than you need to at a time in your relationship that probably can't handle much more stress.

Let it go. Focus on what's important: rebuilding your relationship, not trying to find ways to destroy it.

Answer 3

An abortion is a traumatic experience that he wants to forget. Dwelling into painful memories is NOT going to improve your relationship. No one has this type of conversations as ice breakers.. "hey, my ex and I murdered our baby, pass me the salt please"...

That was a horrible time for both of them, and honey, men have feelings too. Don't dwell on it, as it is HIS business before he met you and you cannot force him to relive his past just to satisfy your curiosity.

So your are saying that you told him about your past whatever, well, between thinking that you are pregnant and having an abortion there is a lot of difference. You cannot judge others upon your values.

If he is not saying anything is because he wants to forget about it and not be judged . He doesn't want to scare you away and ruin your relationship based on a past experience, as an abortion is a very emotional, difficult and ethically questionable event that is done and gone and there is nothing that can be changed about that.
All that you are going to do is probably nag the crap out of him on why he didn't tell you and why did you agree with such thing, and why didnt' he keep the baby, why he was such a coward, and that what would happen of you get pregnant, etc. etc. etc. too complicated and not worth the hassle...get it??????????????

Now you know, now LEAVE IT ALONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Answer 4

Ok If i got cheated on i would of left him in a heart beat when i found out. He should not of lied to you about the abortion,however things that happen in the past(before you and him got together) should be left in the past.If i was you i would tell him that his x told me that she had a abortion. He may still lie about it. So i am not sure it would do you any good by asking him about it. Have you ever thought that his x may be lieing to you?

Answer 5

Listen, have you ever had an abortion?
I have, and let me tell you, it isn't something you discuss at dinner. It is a very hard thing to talk about, and it's something that is even harder to do.

I realize you have trust issues with the guy, but chill out. Who wants to talk about having made a trip to the clinic a few years back....

Besides, this isn't a big lie, it was something personal that happened to him before ya'll were together, and he has to think about it for the rest of his life, so I don't think you giving him sh*t would help your situation or his. Chill out.

Answer 6

1. What has it got to do with you, what happened in a previous relationship.

2. Abortion is hard enough to deal with in the first place, without having to tell everyone about it.

It is between he and his ex - leave it there!

Answer 7

Dump him and get on with your life - You can bet he's still cheating. Not telling you about his ex's abortion is the least of your problems. You know you have your doubts about this relationship. End it and "eat" the cost of the cruise.

Good Luck!

Answer 8

well I understand you are dealing with trust issues, however what does his past relationship issues have to do with you? So she had an abortion, maybe he doesn't like to talk about it, maybe she decided to do it and then told him and it upsets him, maybe it isn't your business that they had an abortion, now my husbands ex had an abortion that had nothing to do with me and i neither care or don't care same for you let this one go.

Answer 9

my op ion is .. it is none of your business , this happen with her ,. not you .. let it go .. plus it is not some thing that every one wants to talk about . I f I were him and you would not let it go .. I would end the relation ship .I do not think she had any right telling you that . that is some thing she should not be proud of ..