We met at work...both married and both unhappily married. We had an affair and he left his wife and I was going to leave my husband but could never do it and I really don't know why other than the fear of finding out real love. We broke it off because he didn't want to wait and I don't blame him. I still love the man and he said I will always be special to him but needed to move on to find what he truly wants....I know he's dated and I shouldn't care but I do and this whole event sucks. Yes I know having the affair was wrong but I live with an controlling person who tells me how to live my life, wants me to like everything he likes and he drinks heavily. I don't live with my spouse anymore....not out of guilt but to remove myself from the pain. I just don't understand why I couldn't move on to the other man who I still care about tremendously.
2006-06-29 02:50:49 · 17 answers · asked by Lucy 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
depending on whether or not youve been in this relationship with your husband? if its been a good amount of time then maybe subconsciously you feel that #1 youve been controlled this long you're not sure how things would be if you werent married to him anymore. #2 youve been with him for so long and you do love him that its basically impossible for you to leave him because the love has you stuck #3 maybe you also feel that you do love this new guy but youre also afraid that he may turn out to be like exactly what your husband is.......just throwing out some ideas.....all i know is that the decision is up to you and i know its hard but if you are already not living with youre spouse then i suggest you move on woman! youve already taken the biggest step to getting out of the relationship all you have to do now is follow through...good luck!
2006-06-29 02:58:57 · answer #1 · answered by mono 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Most of the advice above is really sound (apart from the illiterate male who moans about your question being to long for him to be bothered! cretin!) but I wonder if maybe you just need to spend some time getting to know yourself again after spending a long time with a controlling partner.
Sometimes, if you do this, you discover a whole other side to yourself that had been pushed under by the aggressor and usually most people like what emerges!!
I wish you all the luck in the world whatever you decide to do! x
2006-06-29 10:02:35 · answer #2 · answered by Tatsbabe 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
well, yes it was bad of you to have an affair, but if you do love this man i say go find him. divorce your husband once and for all. get that part of your life in the past. move on to this other man. if he is unwilling or already with another and he doesn't want to end that other relationship, then you know that it was just a fling type thing and you are better than that. you can then completely move on and find a good man for yourself. hope this helps some.
~just trying to help~
2006-06-29 09:57:29 · answer #3 · answered by spontaneousfemale1 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You drove your spouse to the booze, and yeah! your husband has the RIGHT to tell you how to live your life if you are out and about cheating...
You didn;t have the guts to leave your husband because you were scared of paying your bills and misled the other man, ruined his marriage while you back off of the whole deal and ended up with no boyfriend and no husband.
Now the other man has moved on and you can't stand it? You played with fire and got burnt. Deal with it.
2006-06-29 10:39:53 · answer #4 · answered by Blunt 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I totally agree with the answer of Tatsbabe, and those who said you should seek counselling. It's prolly too late to save your marriage, but you can try to figure out how to make the next one better. It's not just what you do in marriage, it's who you marry. It is perfectly OK and normal to care about someone, even though you don't think/know that they are 'right for you.' It is also normal to be jealous of an ex-lover who is seeing others now.
~~~
Krazie has a perspective that may or may not actually apply to your situation, but that's your call. Like her, I don't think you should try to get back with him, and you need to take it slow and work out in your mind just what you want for yourself. Which is where a therapist can help you 'get to know yourself.' Best of luck. You seem like a sweet, kind person who just needs to figure out how to stay out of man-trouble. Or get into it without getting hurt. If that's possible. ;)
2006-06-29 10:55:48 · answer #5 · answered by im_a_fun_nut 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Maybe you just weren't ready and felt that you needed to take of your situation completely before you got into another one...
moving out of the controlling house is the first step...if you don't love the spouse..go ahead and start the divorce proceedings..if you can prove the controlling and any kind of mental abuse etc..you should be able to get some alimony maybe? just go talk to a lawyer, free counseling for 1st visit.
but..I think you just have to get one part of your life, the current part, squared away before you can start chapter 2 in your life and be with someone new.
good luck!
2006-06-29 09:54:50 · answer #6 · answered by joschaos 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Maybe you were just scared to move on. A lot of times we fear the unknown and we are afraid if we make the move and it doesnt work then we will be alone..im glad you got away from your husband. i was in a very bad marriage for 17 years..i finally got away and i am remarried to a very wonderful man who loves me and my children and he is so good to us. I wish you the best and i know you will find happiness.
2006-06-29 09:54:59 · answer #7 · answered by KELLY H 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Are you currently talking to him? Does he know you still feel this way? Or did he move on while you were still with your husband? Good for you that you left your husband, no one needs a controlling alcoholic in their life! Try contacting him and tell him you still have these feelings and that you would like to see him again (if nothing else for closure) to see whats happens.
good luck to you :-)
2006-06-29 09:57:40 · answer #8 · answered by Karen 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
it's probably best for you to not date seriously for a while. most people, especially men, go through this whole "kid in a candy store" mentality after getting out of a long term relationship. and that's what he's doing. he wants to sample everything out there, and unfortunetly he doesn't care who he hurts in the process. you were someone who was there when he needed someone to help him through the divorce adjustment period, and now that he's through that, you're no longer in the picture.
what is best is to take this time to reflect on yourself, take time to get to know yourself again, take this time to find out what it is like ot be single again. and also remember this is your time to be the kid in the candystore. get out there and sample some goodies!! but like stated earlier, don't date seriously yet. give yourself some time before you do that.
good luck to you.
2006-06-29 10:02:13 · answer #9 · answered by Krazie 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You probably were a transitional person. He probably wanted out of his marriage, but was scared to do so. Your affair gave him his out and enabled him to get back out into the dating scene. You should do the same. There's plently of fish in the sea.
2006-06-29 09:54:59 · answer #10 · answered by Troy S 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋