Can parents separate and still be good parents?

Question

I have lived 20 years with my husband. We have two children: 12 and 9.
There has always been "something missing" in our relationship (I was very attracted to him, he was not to me, never been, therefore very little sex). He is a good person, although extremely "unavailable" (hours spent at work, absent mind when with me, not interested to talk, hardly any demonstration of affection, no "emotional commitment"). I suppose you get the picture. So, I feel this big gap and I suppose he now knows what I am referring to because he had his mid-life crisis affair -fatal attraction style- for the whole of last year and that has shaken us quite a bit.
We operate very well for most of the practical stuff in life, including raising children, excluding money because that is his way of keeping control of things.
We live in a very large and stressful city. Do you feel it is possible to separate while keeping the "damage" to the children as small as possible? Experiences? Advice? Suggestions? Tks!!

There are quite a few dimensions involved. We would have to give up a wonderful house and find two small flats. I would like the two flats to be near each other so that the children can see their dad as much as possible. Quite a challenge in the extremely expensive city we live in. I would need to go back to work (resigned two years ago because too stressful combination): I would be less available for the children. I would need to negociate a proper financieal deal with a husband who has always protected himself through keeping most his savings (10-100 times mine?) under his own name. (I come from another country and lost most pension rights, moving to support my husbands career. )
I must say that the last year has shown me he respects me and cares for me, despite everything. Is this enough to carry on a relationship that is emotionally not satisfying or is it precisely the appropriate goodwill required for a smooth separation where the children are not too "damaged"? Any thoughts?

Right. Everyone is saying this is possible. Sounds too easy to be good (what about the horror stories we have all heard of?).
Now, tell me. What are the 3 most critical points to watch -in your experience, or friends'- to make this a non-failure (difficult to call it a success? Dont' know, maybe yes).

Answer 1

Yes, of course they can. Myself and my son's mother separated when he was just one year old and I have brought him up since then (he's now eight). I frequently receive comments from teachers and people he meets about what a pleasant, bright and happy child he is.
Keep things amicable, and allow frequent access. If you and your partner make it clear to your children through your actions that you both unconditionally love them, there shouldn't be any long term issues. Be honest with them about why you are breaking up, and reassure them if necessary that they are not responsible for the split. Obviously, with your children being older, you won't have the relative luxury that I had of explaining things as he became more aware over the years that ours wasn't a "normal"
relationship (he was six before he asked why he stayed with me rather than his mother). Be as honest as you can, and NEVER belittle him in front of the children (it doesn't sound as though there's much acrimony anyway). Best of luck.

PS// You might be surprised at how much your children may have picked up on the atmosphere between you and your husband. Better to separate amicably than live together in misery, and transmit this misery to your kids.

Answer 2

Yes, i believe it is possible. Children, no matter how young, can sense when things are not going well in a relationship and can pick up on the stress of their parents, so it is not always best to stay in a relationship that has no chance of working out and will just deteriorate. You have a good platonic relationship with your husband so i would assume you would both be able to get along with each other outside of the relationship and take care of the children as well as you are at the present time. You could give this a trial run to see how you both cope with the arrangements and how the children feel about what is happening. It is important that you talk to your children about the change and make sure you answer all of their questions and reassure them that you both still love them and will be there for them.

Answer 3

Yes you can still separate and be great parents. Your children will start to pick up on this emotional turmoil that you and your husband is going through.

Don't deny access to your husband and let him see as much as the children as he wants to. Do seek some legal advice before hand to find out what you will be entitled to.

First and foremost, put your children first and explain that even though their parents love each other and them, that neither is happy and want to live apart for a little while to see how things go.

Try not to bad mouth each other in front of the children no matter what the other has done.

In my experience, children would prefer two happy parents that lived apart rather than two miserable ones that live together.

Be strong, but know where you stand.

Answer 4

first of all children will not flourish with unhappy parents. You can make it work. It sounds as if your hubby and you do not have an emotional connection which is a good thing if you separate. There is no anger to negatively affect the children. If you are certain the marriage cannot be salvaged, work together to provide a stable environment for your children. It sounds like you have the right idea, homes close to one another. If you both have the children as a priority and do not let hurt feelings get in the way of what needs to be done, it can be a good thing. Think of the kind of marriage you want your children to have and then realize most children model their relationships after their parents. You want your kids to have a healthy relationship which you do not have. Either strive to fix the marriage or move on so you can both find happiness elsewhere. You do deserve to be happy (and so does he). Good luck, love your children and they will be fine.

Answer 5

On the practical side, it doesn't matter that you come from another country... you have been his wife for 20 years and he has supported you and the children financially throughout this time - once you seperate this should continue and you should not be forced to work especially in the first year after the split because the children will need you to be around to deal with their mixed up emotions. seek legal advice regarding the financial side!
As for the children, they will likely be very well aware of what has been happening over the last year, especially the affair therefore they are likely to be expecting you to split up... most of their friends from school will have been through similar situations.
I left my husband when my children were 11 & 13, they initially found it extremely difficult to cope with especially the younger one.
Although there have been difficult times I never wish that I was back with my ex and my children have adjusted and accepted that this is the way it is and are both doing very well and are happy.
My only advice here is that you should be honest with your children and answer any questions they have honestly.
I wish you well in the future!

Answer 6

I have to say that drawing on past experiences,sometimes if a relationship is so hard for a couple to work at and maintain, then it IS best to separate, especially if there are children involved. My parents had a very turbulent marriage and this has had a serious effect on me and my brother. We both have children and long term partners but have no plans to marry our partners as we grew up watching our parents destroy their marriage. And if there was no initial attraction to you from your husband, and there has never been, then this would only make you feel worse. Then there is the affair. It must be hard to know that he's had an affair, and so for the sanity of yourself and the future of your kids, I would suggest a separation. Yes, it will hurt to start with, but the long term effects will be better.

And yes, if parents separate they CAN still be good parents.....sometimes better than if they were together.

I hope you manage to work things out.

Answer 7

Sis. Claire,I don't know what faith u and ur husband are.Were there any courtship before the marriage?U did read d handwriting on d wall,two of u were not attracted to each other. The relationship have been partial and therefore cannot stand. Two cannot walk together unless they agree.Agreement is paramount in marriage.Whoever that is attracted now have to bear the cost(Love does not count error,or were there no love before?)Attraction is foolishness without love.Get me clearly, seperated parents have never been good, so no better after seperation.Since ur d one crying out, please for the sake the children, don't separate. I hate divorce.God hate divorce.If u can endure to the end those children shall be consolation to u.Invite God into ur marriage, HE will bathe it with LOVE.U will certainly see another side of your husband.There is something in him u have not discovered.Ask for wisdom, and he will fall for U. Ur case is a small case. Goodluck!

Answer 8

Yes it's possible but you'll both need to talk to the children, make them understand that it is not their fault and you'll both do everything to make them happy. A good father should provide for his children, not only moneywise but also time with them!
You say he had his mid life crisis that's left you both pretty shaken up. I take it he has no other intention to stray again? You know maybe this midlife crisis of his was what it took to make him realise that he had far more to lose (You and children) Than to gain (Pleasure on the side). Maybe you should talk to him, tell him how you feel, see what he has to say and then, only then decide. You ask about experience/advice and suggestions ... I could tell you about so many people who chose to break free, divorce, start afresh. Some of them made it, became happier, managed to re build a better relationship with heir ex spouse which led to a far better relationship, they developed a real, strong friendship, but then i also have to tell you about many others who felt lost, lonely, sad, rued the day they elected to walk out on their marriage. Twenty years together is a long time. You don't wipe out of your life so fast! We're all individuals you see! All react in our own individual way reason why ... I'd suggest you talk to your husband, tell him exactly how you feel, he has to know!Good luck whatever you'll decide.

Answer 9

Sometimes it is better to have 2 happy parents who live apart rather than 2 unhappy parents who are together.
There is no reason that the children should suffer if it is handles properly. Let them know that your husband & you are not in love anymore but remind them that you both still love them & that although they are only living with one parent the other will see them as regularly as possible & will be in touch by text, telephone & e-mail.
Children are fairly resilient & so long as you both act responsibly & have so shouting & arguing in front of them there is no reason that the separation will not work well for all four of you.

Answer 10

It sounds like you need to get out because it is never going to get better. I feel all divorces affect the children, however now that my are grown they say that it hurt at first but they felt it was better for then in the long run. One reason is you don't want them it be in a loveless marriage so by stay in one you are telling them it is OK when it's not. Yes money will be tight and I had to take on a few different jobs to support my family but now that time has past I am much happier.