honestly.. what do you think of this poem??

Question

i wrote it a long time ago.. but i was just wondering if it was any good. lol. yeah, im probably a retard. and i really dont want people to see me as one. dont call me stupid.

my dream
is to fall like the rain
fall from the pain
to escape the furry
when things get blurry
my dream is to run
to run far away
like if i didnt i would die
my dream is to fly
to pass life by
and soar high like a bird
my dream is to dream
my dream is to scream
at the top of my lungs
like a song unsung
like a tear not fallen
like a word not spoken
my dream is to fall
fall like the rain
fall from the pain

umm, actually. this poem was written for a school assignment. and I know a few poeple have questioned my structure and such. but yes i realize that this poem is filled with similies... thats because that was the assignment. and yes i realize this poem is extremly emo, but the assignment was to create a poem similar to langston hughes-dreams. and if anyone has read that poem.. you would know that that poem is ANYTHING but happy. i am not a depressed teenager, I am actually a very happy one. but thanks for the feedback, just wanted to explain why my poem is the way that it is.

srry. it was supposed to reflect langston hughes - a dream defferred

Answer 1

Your poem is nice but reading first answer (Avatar resembling Michael Jackson with a nose!) prompts other question: When walking with the late J.C. does he wear sandals? That's he - not He.

Answer 2

University Professor of Literature here (and many times published on 20th Century Verse)

Well, it is very easy to see that you are a very young person. The angst, indeed, 'designer' angst is evident.

Have you ever read Sylvia Plath? If not, then I recommend you do. Here is her poem Morning Song:

Love set you going like a fat gold watch.
The midwife slapped your footsoles, and your bald cry
Took its place among the elements.

Our voices echo, magnifying your arrival. New statue.
In a drafty museum, your nakedness
Shadows our safety. We stand round blankly as walls.

I'm no more your mother
Than the cloud that distills a mirror to reflect its own slow
Effacement at the wind's hand.

All night your moth-breath
Flickers among the flat pink roses. I wake to listen:
A far sea moves in my ear.

One cry, and I stumble from bed, cow-heavy and floral
In my Victorian nightgown.
Your mouth opens clean as a cat's. The window square

Whitens and swallows its dull stars. And now you try
Your handful of notes;
The clear vowels rise like balloons.

Do you see the metaphors? THEY are what define a poem. Yours, has none. (Similes, yes, but metaphors, no). Work on them dear. And live some more so that you can turn this predictable teenage angst into something more joyful.

Good luck to you.

Answer 3

The message is interesting, but there's some technical problems with the poem that distract from its reading. The meter is odd, not regular - there are some lines that flow well, and others that stagger on. The rhyming scheme is inconsistant, either use rhyming or don't - don't combine them. It's usually better if you can avoid it. There is also a repitition of phrases in the poem that become monotonous.

Answer 4

Your poem is interesting because of its flowing rhythms and its rhymes, although they are not as consistent as is usually expected in a poem that makes use of strong meter and rhyme. I think it has problems with its meanings. I will give just one example and leave the rest to you. It has a simile which says that "... to scream at the top of my lungs ..." is "... like a song unsung ..." Can a loud scream be compared to a song that is not sung? I have to believe that the simile is there just for the rhyme, not for meaning. The sequence of lines following that is quite elegant, I think: "... like a tear not fallen, like a word not spoken ..." but how are they like a scream at the top of your lungs? What I think is that the poem shows a lot of promise, but needs to be gone over carefully to improve meanings and meter.

I like poems but am not an expert, so take what is helpful and let the rest fall like the rain.

Answer 5

The poems good ...got a lot of meaning I guess. Frankly though you could put that creative mind of urs to much better stuff. If there's something bothering u so bad speak about it to a confidant. Good writing.

Keep smiling!

Answer 6

Since when could a retarded or stupid fella ever write beautiful verses as these. Its so direct and nothing pretentious. So refreshing to read, pure poetry from the soul- "fall from the pain. fall like the rain". Poems are made by" fools" like you .......cheers!!

Answer 7

I think your poem is beautiful. It is simple but effective. As I read it, your words took form in my mind. I felt you soar on high and also the pain that you want to rid yourself of.
Who cares if it isn't structured as others like, it is from the heart and it moved me. You are anything but stupid. xx

Answer 8

Hey,
I think it is very good. It comes from your heart and that is why it is good. It touched my heart to read it, but it also made me feel sad for you, that you had so much unhappiness in your life at some point. You have done a great job with this.
Take Care Kathy

Answer 9

I loved it so much I noted it in my poetry journal. I live to write poems as well, but I'm a novice, nowhere as good as you. If I were you, I would try to put it to music, and try to sell it as ballad, because it is truly beautiful. GOOD LUCK! Keep on writing, and write for yourself, only. Don't worry about other people's opinions; just trust in your own ability.

Answer 10

As the spirit wanes, the form appears
- charles bukowski