how can i deal with my over bearing mother?

Question

i am 3 weeks away from giving birth to my first child and my mother has completely taken over!! don't get me wrong i love my mum and i appreciate the advice but she has pushed my partner and my in laws out of the way! she is behaving like it is her child not mine. everytime i try and talk to her about she, she gives me this look that says "i'm listening but don't actually care what you are saying" i have been getting that look all my life. she doesn't even want my partner in the delivery room and she is really angry that he wants to be there and he wants to be as involved as he can. any advice would be great!!!

I have tried to talk to her about this some many times! so has my partner, we have considered not calling her until after the birth but she is a nurse at the hospital where i am delivering. she has already told me all the things that MY child will be doing with her not with me and my partner. nobody can seem to get through to her not even my dad.

Answer 1

DONT LET HER BULLY YOU
YOu have the right to deny your mother entry to the delivery room and it is we midwives that can enforce that.

Dont ring her when you labour, ring a girlfriend if you need more support other than hubby
Your mother needs to understand she is being unreasonable and if it takes unreasonable behaviour to bounce her back to reality then tell your midwife that you do not wish her to enter and that visitors are restricted.
She will pout, stomp and carry on but she will get over it

STAND UP FOR YOURSELF NOW or she will push you around for life................
THIS IS YOU AND YOUR HUSBANDS BABY NOT HERS

GOOD LUCK

Answer 2

When you go to the hospital you have the right as a patient ask her removed from your room. So your partner can be involved. Don't be ashamed to ask the room cleared and tell your nurse/dr in private that you want certain people in the room. That is your right and your partners time to have the best experience while giving birth. Your mother maybe upset at first but I am sure once she sees her grandchild she will get over it. It may take some time but be firm and stand your ground. The hospital staff will assist you in upholding your wishes. Best wishes and congrats!

Answer 3

With three weeks to go, now is the time to set this straight, while you can still talk and think without the impending labour to complicate things.

Do you want your mum in the delivery room with you? If so, then tell her that you and your partner have decided that as well as the two of you, that she will be allowed in too. If not, then now is the time to tell her that you and your partner want to experience this alone, and will invite her in when you feel ready.

If she is still not listening to you as a rational adult, I would tell her that you don't appreciate her overbearing behaviour and could she leave you and your partner alone for a week or two to adjust to the changes coming up for you. if she still doesn't get it, then withdraw yourself (nicely) and if she questions this, tell her the reason.

You need to assure her that you are an adult woman and can and will handle this in the way that best suits you and your partner. Now is also probably a good time to set out some visiting rules for once your baby is born, to ensure that you can have time with just you, bub and partner to get used to your new family.

So just tell her, act on your words and ask your partner to back you up. It is his child not hers, and if worst comes to worst, tell her that - he has rights too.

Answer 4

I can relate. This isn't fair for you to have to make this kind of decision right before giving birth. Do you have a family member that can get through to her? I have a brother my mother is a little scared of, I complain to him. He got her off my back(a little). Her feelings were hurt, and I felt bad. She eventually came around. You and/or your partner might have to put your foot down. She will be hurt, and it will be upsetting for you, but in the long run I think its worth it. Your partner has a right to watch his child come into this world. Good luck. I hope you have a great delivery.

Answer 5

When it comes to the delivery, speak with your doctor ahead of time about your wishes. Actually, see if you can speak to the nurses ahead of time, as they are SUPER protective of their patients. If you don't want her in there, she won't get in. Perhaps your hospital has a policy where only the S/O can be in there anyway. It is your right to be comfortable as possible, and it sounds like her presence will not be as comforting. In fact, if you can get away with it...don't call her until AFTER the baby is born. Then you won't have to worry. ;)

When it comes to outside of the hospital, you're going to have to get tough. You and your S/O need to sit her down and let her know that while you love her and look up to her, you are going to be parents now, and you need to be able to raise your child the way you see fit. Realize it may cause some tension for a bit, but it will be a lot easier in the long run. If you need to, limit her visits.

All else fails, you can do what I did...move half-way across the country. ;) Then you can call for advice when you need it, but ignore it when you don't. :)

Good luck to you!

Answer 6

My mother is a bit overbearing, although she doesn't sound quite as bad as yours (I'm sorry!). My mom is a labor and delivery nurse. She wanted to be in the delivery room with my first child but I told her that I only wanted my husband in there with me. I also told the hospital staff that I didn't want anyone but my husband in there. You need to put your foot down. Tell her to stop being selfish. This is your day and she needs to let you do what you want so you can be relaxed and have as easy of labor as possible. I think my mom was a little hurt that I didn't want her in the delivery room with me but she got over it as soon as she held her granddaughter for the first time.

Your child is your and the child's father's responsibility. You two need to decide what is right for your child. I had a problem with my father after my daughter was born. He lives a couple of hours away from us and he and my step-mother wanted to have our daughter come stay with them for a weekend. I wasn't comfortable with that. She hadn't spent the night away from us. My father told me that I was being selfish but I disagree. I think the parents know best and they shouldn't let anyone, even the mother that they love very much talk them into doing things they don't want to do with their children. Be strong. Stand up to her. You have to start doing it right away. I know you've said you've tried to talk to her. Maybe you need to treat her like a child. Say this is the way I want it and if you don't do what I ask, here are the consequences. Consequences could be: you don't get to see your grandchild until you stop behaving like a child.

I wish you the best of luck. Childbirth is stressful enough without having to deal with an overbearing mother. I'll say a prayer for you.

Answer 7

Tell her to back off or it will be her thats missing from the delievery room and if she continues to act that way than she will also be missing from the child's life.It looks like a threat is the only way your going to get through to her. Your partner should not miss the birth of his child no matter what and she should be thankful that you have a man that wants to be involved with his kid. She has no right to be angry at him for anything!
As for doing all these things with the baby just her and not you and the baby's father you have got to be brutally blunt. You guys need to be able to bond with your baby especially in the first year!
If my mom was like this than she would be missing a daughter and a grandchild.
As for Jesuslover- nobody asked for religious input and nobody said she wasn't married! (sorry ppl like that irriatate me)

Answer 8

Don't even CALL your mother until WELL after your child has been delivered and you and the father have had plenty of time to BOND with your new child.

Some mothers are like that. Some aren't. This isn't HER child it is YOURS and YOUR partners. YOU BOTH will have to make this PERFECTLY clear to her. Making SURE SHE HEARS YOU LOUD & CLEAR!!!

This will take time. Just ignore most of what she is doing. She is probably just so excited about being a grandmother that she is overcompensating.

Answer 9

My mother-in-law was EXACTLY like this!! She got really mad because I had my mom and my sons father in the delivery room and not her!! She even got mad when she came in after he was born and she didnt like the name we had chosen for our son!!! You HAVE to put an end to this behavior BEFORE the baby comes, once the baby comes it gets SO MUCH WORSE!!!!! You need to tell her seriously how you feel and tell her that if she doesnt back off some then she is not going to be a part of your babies life (and mean it!!) Tell her that this is YOURs and your husbands child and NOT HERS!!! She really needs to get that!!! My mother in law used to always call my son HER baby!!! You really need to clear this up with her and tell her that YOU and YOUR HUSBAND are going to be making the decisions regarding labor and delivery and when it comes to raising your baby.....and if she doesnt back off or change the way she is acting, then what you really need to do is distance yourself from her because her type of attitude is unhealthy for both you, your baby, and your relationship with your partner!!! If she doesnt "get it" after you tell her, she will definitly "get it" once you start distancing yourself....then, if she agrees to change, let her back into your life a little at a time and make sure that she actually has!! Good Luck, I feel for ya!!!

Answer 10

Grow up, stand up and take charge. You need to stop this now before the baby comes or it will get worse and run right over you. It's not easy, it's your mother but you are an adult and it's time to act like one. This isn't a situation you aren't in control of or can't control it's one you are avoiding taking control of.

I can only imagine how your partner must feel. He has every right to be there and you need to make that clear and put your foot down. Sure, you may upset her, anger her, piss her right off but tough, she doesn't have to like it, she's your mom, she'll love you no matter what and she'll get over it.

Answer 11

My mom ticked my off when i was in labor with my son, so I kicked her out of my room and barred her for an hour till she got in her head that i didn't want to deal with what she is saying. I wouldn't answer the phone or door when she calls or shows up. It is your time not hers. If she can't understand what you are saying then tell her to back off and ignore her for a while. Plus tell her the baby doesn't need her stress. If she can't understand don't fight about it. Bar her from your room and ask for your partner.