please read my sci-fi short story and tell me what you think?

Question

“Captain, Move!” Yelled Private Rob Henderson of the 82nd Air Born division, as a projectile missile sailed through the air just missing Captain Davis’s head.
“This is getting ugly. What happened to the rest of our crew?” stated Captain Davis.
Boom…boom…BANG, the door to the command center flew off its hinges, blowing Captain John Hook against it and propelling him into the wall killing him instantaneously. “Well there’s one where’s the rest?”
Suddenly 4 Gene X soldiers come into the room firing their AK92s and bazookas. “CLEAR THE AREA” yelled Henderson as he charged his neutralizer gun. He fires, blowing him several feet backwards but freezing the 4 Gene X soldiers encrusting them in a solid layer of crystallized skin.
“Over here” yelled a young private, waving his arms widely in the air trying to signal the captain to a working communications machine behind the now doorless wall leading into the command center of the base. The men ran over to him, under the shelter of loose rubble, avoiding a thick wall of machine gun fire above their heads. The captain ran to the communications machine and starts speaking very rapidly into it.
“Hello? This is Captain Davis of the 189th ground division; my crew and I are trapped inside Fort Anaranjado, Mexico. We are trapped inside by mutated soldiers that are heavily armed and trigger happy, we are requesting immediate back-up … Do you copy, over?”
“Yes, we read you captain, but did you say your base is being taken over by mutated soldiers? Over”
“Yes, the situation is becoming increasing urgent …can you help us? Over”
“Captain I am sorry but I didn’t reci…. you… m…age, repeat.”
“Hey captain, we found a survivor!” yells sergeant Derick Theburge “she is extremely frightened and armed with a single handgun.” The captain walks over to her signaling to the other soldiers to back up and to let them talk and gets on his knees
“Hello miss, my name is Captain Davis, can you hear me?”
GOD!!! They have learned to talk, GET AWAY FROM ME!!! Or are… Why aren’t… Why aren’t you attacking me? Said the middle-aged stranger as she starts to slowly ease out of the corner and lower her pistol.
“Ma'am, I am here to help, just tell me what your name is. Please, we are trapped in here too and we are running out of time, so please work with us.
“I knew you were too good to be true, work with us” she said menacingly
“You just wanted me to trust you so you could turn me into one of you, or eat me, yum, good, fresh meat. I want to eat her leg what do you want? Well you can’t get me!!!” the woman raised her gun to her head
“NO DON’T…” yelled Captain Davis
Click… “No, please” click…click… “Please don’t eat me, I won’t tell anyone you let me go… please”
“Just tell us what your name is”
“Julie Chang, I am a scientist here at the base, JUST DON’T EAT ME”
“We aren’t them, but did you see what happened here? How did they change, who was first?” asked Captain Davis
“Ok, first off I want to make sure you are telling the truth, stand up.
“Ok? For what?” Julie stood up still holding the empty gun and stuck her arm in front of Captain Davis’s face.
“Any urges?” asked Julie
“No” he didn’t even finish saying the o when she winds back and slings the empty gun at the captain’s head hitting him square between the eyes. The captain stumbled backwards tripping over an upturned water pipe and falling back onto Private Henderson who also falls under the captain’s weight.
“WHAT WAS THAT FOR?” screamed the captain, as he returned to the standing position.
“To see if you would attack me or use your freaky powers to dodge it or something. Well I can see you are obviously still human enough to trust, for now anyway. Fine I will answer your questions. Ok, Well about five months ago the military hired me and my crew to come and invent a machine that creates a type of Nano bot that would focus in on the immune system, the body and muscle tissue and make them 100% stronger, kill viruses and deformities, allow them to stay underwater comfortably for at least an hour without equipment, expand their life expectancy by up to 50 years. They would re-animate paralyzed limbs or create new limbs if the original ones were amputated. They were programmed to basically create super soldiers. With this technology the army could send men to places otherwise impossible to go. Anyway about four months ago we were hired to create this super Nano bot technology. At first my crew was skeptical about it but when they saw that we would be making a dollar amount with 12 zeros behind it their skepticism faded. We started on the project immediately. To kick off our project we traveled to Mexico to meet with Dr. Williamson, one of the best in the field of Nano technology. I brought all of the plans for our machine on my laptop which I had with me at the time. We were walking down the busy street of el calle de Bosque when someone bumped into me knocking me down, when I got up the person who knocked down just smiled and said “lo siento chicka. Necesitas ayudar?”(I’m sorry lady. Do you need help?) “No, gracias, estoy fine” (no, thanks, I’m fine). So I got up, dusted myself off, and we went on to the research center. When I took out my laptop, my files were gone, the fall must have damaged it. I called my office in northern California to get my office assistant, Janet, to fax me the backup plans when a man answered the phone. The man was the man I had hired to help Janet file and make appointments. At first I was hesitant if I should tell him where my top secret plans were but I decided he was alright and realized that we only had a short time there at the lab, so I gave him the location and combination to my safe. He faxed them over to the lab after about 25 minutes. Four days later we were on the way back with a few minor changes in design for our machine and our materials ordered. When we got back I got a call on my phone from my insurance company wondering why they weren’t contacted about the fire sooner. At first I didn’t understand so I told my crew I would meet up with them later and headed for my lab. I soon understood. There had been a chemical fire in the back room that caused our facility to burn to the ground. So, I called back my crew and informed them of our situation. After a long discussion we decided we would set up here and re-direct the parts needed for our project. The parts came in after about a week and we began. We decided to program 1/3 to attack the viruses and reinforce the immune system, 1/3 to reinforce the rest of the body and 1/3 to carry extra oxygen. It took us about 4 ½ months to build the machine using 42 engineers and scientists. About 2 weeks after the completion of our machine we were ready to begin experimenting on live animals. We ordered 4 chimps and within the week we were injecting the Nanos through an IV. Within about an hour the IV was completely into the chimp’s cardiovascular system. We left the chimp under 24-hour surveillance. After about 9 hours the chimp started showing everything we had hoped; increase in strength. When we filled his cage with smoke he could breathe just fine. We cut him with a knife and it boosted the healing process enough that within about half an hour the cut was gone. We cut off the tip of its little finger and by the end of the day his finger was normal. We had done it! We had created the Super Being! We continued to conduct testing on the chimps for nearly 2 weeks. In that time we saw no reason to call off the project. We presented our findings to the top officials at the Pentagon and got the okay to begin injecting our product into human soldiers immediately. We got back to a long line of soldiers who had heard of our invention and heard we got clearance. they all wanted to have it done to them. It was a long, dull process that took us 3 days to get 25 people done. But, we eventually got almost everyone at this base vaccinated. After about another month, one of the first people injected started to become abnormally aggressive, not sleeping, eating raw meat, and just acting strange. Well, one day they were running target practice when he just flipped out and started shooting soldiers, no one killed thanks to our vaccine.
“Captain, your conversation can wait. They are starting to close us in, we must move, now”, said the Private.
“Okay, let’s head for the north side of base; maybe the gate is still unlocked.”
The four people (captain Davis, Julie, private Henderson, and the other private) ran towards the elevator so they could get above ground and maybe make their escape. when two German Sheppards stepped out from the elevator snarling and showing their teeth.
“Dogs, you did this to dogs, and why not poodles or some other small dogs not big dogs. What the hell were you thinking? ” said Captain Davis in disbelief and anger
“Uh captain, we’re screwed” said the private
At that the dogs lunged for the captain barely missing him as he ducked, plowing into the private and devouring his flesh in large mouthfuls.
Captain Davis pulls out a pistol and, BOOM, shoots one of the dogs in the head splattering its brain all over the floor. BOOM, he shoots the other one in the same place and runs over to the private who is lying on his back with wounds all over him.
“We must get out of here, they will all be back alive soon and he will be one of them!” yelled Julie.
The captain rejoined the other two in the elevator and closed the doors. Still with his pistol out he says in almost frighteningly calm way “I didn’t even know his name.” the doors of the elevator opened revealing the total devastation. Everything was burning or burned, all in rubble. Covering the outside of the base was a blue semi- transparent dome that looked as if somehow someone had made a giant blue bubble around the base and with the slightest poke it would pop.
“No, they have quarantined us in here too” yelled Julie
“No that is the base’s attack shield, the people must have put it up in hopes it would stay contained within the base until help got here” said Captain Davis
“Can we still get out?” asked the private
“No, Nothing in, Nothing out” said the captain
“But if we can get to the generals quarters we can use his private rout, or radio for help again” said the captain, as he started running in the direction of a fenced in area labeled RESTRICTED AREA, DO NOT CROSS, VIOLATORS WILL BE PROSICUTED. The other s followed closely behind cautiously watching their backs. When they reached the gate they realized that it was not only closed but it was barbed wire. The captain took off his jacket and slung it as far up as he could and began climbing it, cautious of the areas his jacket wasn’t touching and yelled for the others to follow.
Once over they ran to a storm shelter where they bolted the door shut. “Now I need to know the rest of the story, we should be safe here for right now.” Said Captain Davis turning to Julie
“Ok, so one of the first people that was vaccinated started to act really weird then one day he just flipped out and started shooting people at a target practice area. No one was killed thanks to our vaccine but we had to put him in jail anyway. He had been in jail for less than an hour when he ripped off his handcuffs and killed the two officers by eating them, that is when they called me. I told them to put him in the strongest thing they had until I got there. When I arrived they had him in a bomb bunker reinforced with a magnetic energy box. I tried to help, but he had already mutated. I told them to keep him in quarantine until I could find out what was causing the behavior. Over the next few days I noticed people were beginning to act the same way. The next day the base had a large celebration for me and my crew for the completion and success of our project when all of a sudden everyone who had been injected snapped and I was forced to flee to the lower level control center and that is where you found me two days later huddled in the corner with an empty handgun.
“So what do you think happened?” asked Private Henderson, now overcome by curiosity.
“I honestly believe that someone tampered with my machine” said Julie sighing “I just didn’t think anyone in my crew would do such a thing and it couldn’t have been anyone else because we were the only people with access to the area.”
“Well we will worry about tracking down your crew after we get out of here” said Captain Davis, opening the door to the storm shelter “let’s go”
They all started for the door to the general’s quarters when BOOM BOOM RATATATATAT BOOM, shots and rockets zoomed in their direction and they broke out running to the safety of the reinforced general’s house. Once inside they ran immediately to the basement where the escape tunnel was located. The three followed the escape tunnel for nearly a mile.
“It’s all over, we can go home and see our families again, and have that horrible place destroyed, finally, oh my god thank you. I am dropping my scientific career and moving to the Bahamas” said Julie

“I think your right Julie I think it is finally over, we are out of that place, we survived Hell.” Said the captain. The escape tunnel led to a latter which led to a small house on the surface with a hologram machine in one corner of the cramped, one room, windowless home.
“Hello? My name is Captain John Davis of the 189th ground division. I have just been through hell, so please tell me you copy, over” the image of a young woman appeared on the hologram machine and said “I read you captain, what is your distress, over”
“The military installation I was previously at became infested with a zombie- like virus who took host in the soldiers of the base injected with a vaccine I need an immediate quarantine of the base, over.”
“One moment please” said the woman on the other line and the line went silent for about six minutes when Captain Armstrong, captain of the universal guardians (a group of militia designed to protect the earth from neighboring galaxy’s attack), came on the hologram machine
“These mutated people were only on the base no where else, right?”
“Uh… captain where screwed” said Private Henderson staring out the no open door at total destruction as far as the eye could see and the mutants everywhere. 5 mutants ran into the room unexpectedly and devoured all three people.
(Up at the universal guardian’s headquarters)
“Captain, that was the twentieth station that sort of thing in the last twenty-four hours sir.” Said the operator
“What do you think we should do?” asked Captain Armstrong, turning to his hired lieutenant
What else can we do? It is in my best judgment to say that we must destroy the earth.” Said the lieutenant
“I was hoping it wouldn’t come to this, but I guess you are right” Captain Armstrong said “arm the annihilation ray and aim at earth” he said to his weapons general
KAWOOOOOM, the ray was fired exploding the earth in a mere second. The lieutenant walked back in to the back room and began talking on a foreign device
“It worked, earth is destroyed, and no one saw it coming, it was great. I first easily convinced the government to hire scientist Julie Chang, then I stole her plans off her out dated computer then I substituted our supplies with theirs, the machine made the virus and I did very little, my mission is complete what would you like me to do now?” asked the lieutenant.
“Continue on the next planet is in the neighboring solar system and good work” said the deep voice.

ok mabey it if a little long...srry

ok mabey it is a little long...srry

Answer 1

wow that was relly good and your brave for putting it online, some @ssholes are gonna make fun of it but i think its so sweet

Answer 2

Ha. It's good. Grammar is off though. Guess that's what happens when it is a rough draft. Stop switching tenses for goodness' sake! : )

in loving memory of Jack

Answer 3

I guess people that like science fiction would like this, but it is not my kind of thing. It is written well though. Good luck with it.

Answer 4

Logan for academic purposes that was good but other then tht i wouldn't read it. wht is the title by the way?

Answer 5

it was really good i especially like the part were the dogs attacked.

Answer 6

It was long but it was worth reading. Awesome job!

Answer 7

nice but i tought u said SHORT

Answer 8

its super long and i couldne finish it. sry

Answer 9

i loved it, great work

Answer 10

its really long and good