Should I go back to my ex husband whom my parent/family dislike & for good reason & lose my family?

Question

My ex husband was not so nice to me from my age of 19 till my divorce at 33. He was involved in drugs, cheated, gambled and terrible with money. We have two kids. He let me and my family down many many times. The last time, after I was pregnant with 2nd child and left, my parents said they were all done giving him chances. They have financially helped me and it took a while but i created a great home where my children are thriving, are in a private country club, attend the camps here and have friends here all because of my parents. My ex finally quit drugs three years later/ 1 year clean & seems changed. He wants another chance. If I gave him one, my parents would never be friendly with him ever again, probally would barely see me or grandchildren and my children would lose all that they have provided & also my brothers/cousins.. In parent's eyes he made too many mistakes. But I still love him. What should I do? Get over him and move on. This decision would greatly affect my kid

Answer 1

there is no easy answer here. He has only been clean a year. Can you just casually date and very slowly explore the possibility of a relationship before you jump back in with both feet?

All you can do is talk to your parents, they will just want to protect you and look out for you because this is what they do.

But, I would want to see more than a year of good behavior and proof of trust after 14 years of irresponsibility and dishonesty.

Answer 2

Yeah you can go back to him, but when your family no longer wants to support you, and hear you whine about the drama that might ensue don't be surprised.

You know some people think that everyone else around them should forever put up with their mess, but that's not fair nor realistic. It gets really tiresome worrying about people all the time and I'm sure your parents will probably still love you if you go back, but are extremely weary. I was getting kind of weary reading your drama here. Not to be mean, but is living with so much drama necessary?

I mean, why not let your ex build his life independent of you first and try on his own to rebuild a relationship with his kids before trying to jump right back into a relationship? If he really wants another chance he would do so under all circumstances you laid out, so why not demand he show he's changed instead of being like "I'm so glad we can just get back together now and I'm going to do that no matter what anyone tells me!"

And don't use "But we have kids together" as an excuse. Does he take care of the kids? And what kind of example are you setting for them raising them in such chaos?

It's your call, but don't expect much love is all I'm saying.

Answer 3

That is hard. Everyone deserves another chance, especially if he has been sober for a year.

But, sometimes there is too much water under the bridge to cross back over and you must move on. I know that is a cliche, but its true.

If you do take him back, just be sure you are not taking back the memory of the good times and that, the new improved and sober guy is the man you truly love. Drug addicts / alcoholics change once they are sober and are not the same person they were. Alcoholism is a disease that will have to be fought every day for the rest of their life. Long term use of certain drugs can permanently damage the brain and decrease the production of chemicals that allow the user to ever truly experience happiness.

There are many factors to consider on this one.

Answer 4

I think this is something that only you can decide for yourself, but your parents and family should support whatever decision you make. They most definitely shouldn't take it out on your kids, that is just plain crazy. Shame on them if they do. If only are willing to be supportive parents and grandparents when you are doing what suits them then they don't support your happiness, they are only supporting what they want you to do. It is not your parents that have to give him the chance it is you. They can't decide what is right for your or your children.
Maybe you could just get to know each other again, very slowly. There is not reason to jump into anything. Then you will have time to make the decision that is right for you and your family.
What would make you and your kids happy and keep them safe at the same time?

Answer 5

It taks more then love to be complete. He has "seemed" to have changed, but unless you have absolute proof, why bring that horror back into your or your childrens lives. Family can seem interferring but they usually have your best interest. They see you moved past him and done well. They just are worried about you and that is really important. I would really take into consideration if he will make your life better or worse, your child should come first! There is such a thing as too many mistakes. It is great he wants to start over, but is it going to make your life better. I would always choose family over a past abuser...sorry

Answer 6

Sounds like he put you through hell for 14 long years. AND your children. Sounds like you FINALLY got your life together without his help. Sounds like you have done well with the help of people who REALLY do love you. I don't doubt that your "X" loves you but it is VERY likely that it is NOT the kind of love that you feel for him. I am VERY proud of his accomplishment of being "clean". But it is YOU who needs to stay in control of your life for you AND your children. One year of being sober is NOT enough to be given back those God given gifts of life, you and the children. You would just be jeopordizing EVERYTHING that you have worked so hard for. You can still love him and be supportive. You SHOULD forgive, but you CANNOT forget. If you want to get back with him and he truely loves you then raise your children and when they are on they're own and you want to live your life for you only, THEN you take him back. That is if he will wait that long. Doubt it! And you should get counseling. I am sure you did not want to hear that. But there is a reason that you would take him back. And that cannot be healthy. Good Luck and God Bless. Take care of those kids first~

Answer 7

I agree that there is no easy answer. It sounds like your parents have supported you and that they care about you, and it sounds like you really care about how they feel. Is it that you feel kind of indebted to them because of all they have done? I would suggest you try to set that aside, and hopefully they have helped because they love you and they love your kids. If you decide to try to work things out with your ex, just be upfront with everyone involved. You and your kids are going to be the ones most affected by your decision, and you don't really have to decide all or nothing -- I like the response about maybe taking things slowly and seeing how much he's truly changed. Good luck.

Answer 8

Sorry, but it is time to move on. You have to put your children first! Your ex made his decisions to walk away from you and your family. The minute he moves back in your life, he will go right back to the drugs. Get over him, you need your family and your children need your family.

Answer 9

This is not about your parents.
This is about you and your kids and your ex.
Only you can decide if it's worth another try.

Ask yourself:

In what ways has he changed?
How is he with the children?
Is he attending NA regularly?
Is he hanging out with new (clean) friends?
How is he handling his finances?
What does he do in his spare time?
Why does he want to get back together?
Does he treat you with respect?

You must be able to draw strong boundaries about what you will not tolerate. Are you strong enough to do this?

Answer 10

I would not go back, but that's me. you are still young, you can find a good man that you and your family love, there are a lot of good men out there, your ex is not the only man alive, life will much easier without him, too much drama.