Should I get divorced or still try to work it out?

Question

I have been married for 4 and a half years. My husband had very serious family conflict with his parents and financial failiure in the beginning of our marriage. He said he was depressed. We didn't have sex for first 4 years of our marriage. After fighting and arguing, he reluctantly tried to sex (also it was time for us to have baby) He doesn't have sexual interest, sometimes I wonder if he is asexual. Also, first one year and half of our marriage, I was supporting us financially by myself. He could have helped me to make us get by, by getting any job that he could get. But he just told me he applied and can't get a job. (Often I saw him playing video games) My earning was not enough that we borrowed money from various family members and used our wedding money that was given by my parents. He didn't even get me a engagement ring. I still find myself trying to figure out how we can be financially stable by myself. He said he is trying but it doesn't seem like it. We have no baby.

We are financially better than before, not in a debt, having some savings now. We have no kids. I have created the business that I developed while I was working full time, it sort did well for 2 and a half years. He did contribute alot that time. But now it is not doing well and it seems I face what we are going to do. He doesn't seem to be in urgent mode like I am because I don't want to go back to our bad financial situation. His parents are really crazy and they treated me so bad in spite of what I have been doing. We try to make sex Happen but it is not happening. He did improve a litte compared to before but I still see that guy who didn't help me when I was carrying the burden myself, I also couldn't have wedding because of him. My family thinks he is lazy, don't care about me. Because I wanted to committ to marriage and I carried it through so far. He says he will work it out slowly but I don't believe him because nothing changed. It's like history repeats itself.

Answer 1

First of all congratulations on performing such dedication.
I believe marriage is a pretty tough deal and requires a lot of patience and determination especially when things are not happening mutually.
It's easier to think about divorce in today's world. I guess a lot of people just give up upon the first problem they face as a couple.

However it's not totally stupid either. In your case you have proved yourself you could do and actually "did" a lot for this marriage to work. Hard passages can happen, lasting for years and then it should be OK again.

Not having respect / belief in your husband and his attitude is not something new for you. You spent long time trying to figure out what could be the problem what can you do about it. Again you proved yourself that you tried hard for this marriage to work. It's especially hard when you are not sharing the trouble with your husband/wife. People divorce for much less than that.

It is also possible that he might be suffering a serious depression etc. In this case he needs you more than ever. But again you also must take care of yourself.

If helping your husband, being there for him doesn't make much difference for neither of you and you don't feel for him ( at least not anymore ), It might be a good idea to think about divorce since you don't have any babies.

A lot changes when a baby is in question.

I hope things work out well.

Good luck

Answer 2

u really hv a big decision on ur hands now. but i don't giving him a divorce at this time is the right thing to do. just give him a little more time. u said u were married for 4 and a half years. give him a year and a half more and see where does the road take both of u.

i can understand what u r going through. he is not even close to what u can call a "husband". but u said it urself that he did show some improvement. maybe it's just that he hasn't matured enough to understand the meaning of marriage. but anyways, u said ur condition had improved and even he had improved a little in bed. so i think what he just needs is a bit more time.

as regards to his parents,what is important is not how his parents treat u, but what is his attitude towrds them for treating u in the way do.if he does not have good relations with them, his parents behaviour is somewhat understandable. but if he still has good relations with them and then doesn't say anything to them for treating u badly, that is not right. if this is the case then i think he really doesn't care about u 'coz he is as it is not taking or not being able to take the responsibilty of the family and on top of that he doesn't even acknowledge ur efforts. then i think u r right in asking for a divorce.

and about him not being able to please ur physical needs, i think that u'll hv to do with. some people r just not good enough! try to find out what turns him on, go on a vacation or honeymoon or something. see if that helps or changes something.

also i don't think this would be the right time to think about the baby. u r going through a rough patch of ur life, u already hv many things to think about and adding the baby to that will only increase ur stress level because it will be a really big responsibility for u. i don't know how old u r so i can't really say what u should do. but if u can delay it for about a year, it will be better for u.

and lastly, from what u've written, i get the feeling u r more depressed by what is attitude was when u had a really difficult time as compared to the fact that he couldn't do anything. u said u saw him playing video games, but that can happen. he might've been depressed and under stress too and playing games could be one way for him to de-stress himself. anyways that is just a possibility. it is for u to decide what his general attitude was when u had a tough time. but i'll say that give him one last chance and this time, tell him that this might be his last chance to get it all right.

and remember : " This Too Shall Pass"

Answer 3

It sounds like you really care about your husband a lot, but in my humble opinion you still have the opportunity to make a decision, not just based on your emotions but with your logic. First thing first, are you in love with him? That is a huge factor. Especially when you are considering bringing another life into your situation. Also with the consideration of the child you may want, is this the best or what you would want in a family scenario for your child/children? Next is probably your financial. Can you and your husband communicate effectively together to begin or continue to make long-term financial plans, for you both, and perhaps a child? The last issue is your intimate relationship. Is it possible to compromise your and his needs to make you both content with your intimacy. This all generally ties into the same category which is being able to work, live, and play together, with love, consideration, respect, and compassion for one another. The one thing I definitely have learned in my marriage is that it is impossible to change another person. It should be only natural for both of your goals to become parallel through constant growth and maturity in life experiences you have had together. If you see no progress, then perhaps you are on different paths.

Answer 4

Look at it this way, a lot of guys make the babies and run off with out paying a dime. Does he apprieciate you and love you? Don't feel so bad even if because I gave my wife all those things you
want and she could care less. So if he loves you and you love
him believe me money doesn't solve anything. even if he is a big Douchbag but he loves you you'll be ahead of the game. Another thing to peak your curiosity . Leave some porn around the house. If he doesn't watch it or read it maybe you've got some problems.
at worst maybe he'll get hornier. oh and another thing don't feel bad, my wife's parents didn't contribute jack sh**t to our marriage
so you're really on your own with him. Choose me for best answer to hear more!!!! oh another thing, hopefully he has no credit and can't buy anything!!! at least you hold the cards!

Answer 5

Wow! You must be a very caring and patient person. Most would have left a long time ago. I don't usually believe in divorce, but it sounds like you are not happy. It also takes two in order for a relationship to work and it does not sound like he is helping you at all, in any way. I'm no expert, but my suggestion is that you both see a counselor and try to get help. Give it a fair shot and if it doesn't help, then end it. You are the only one that can give you a happy life, and you deserve it.

Answer 6

Seek counseling. First you alone then bring him in. I really suggest also a support group at church in addition. Depression can cause lots of symptoms so you may want to take him to the doctor, actually go with him, and let the doctor know about his symptoms. If you are the cook, change your household diet; more fruits, veges, salads and fresh herbs. Get everyone on multivitamins and visit a natural/whole food store and read up on the best foods, herbs, vitamins for depression. Pray and request prayers.

Answer 7

To quote Dr Phil "The best predictor of future is past behavior". You're lucky you don't have a baby with him...it sounds like he's more than enough to raise.

Get rid of him and move on with your life. It sounds like you married this man without really knowing what you were getting into. It's time to go.

Answer 8

i would tell him that if he wants you to believe him in saposivly changing that he needs to let you be there for him in those times by going to counseling together or just sitting and talkinng about it together, but he cant do it on his own and he needs to know that. tell him that he needs to let you in and help him so that you can get the marriage back where it belongs. good luck, it is not going to be easy but stop letting him be lazy, he realy is being lazy, and it is from depression more than likely, so get him to see someone that can give him som prozac or something so that you two can start fixing things.

Answer 9

I really do not see a future without passion in your marriage. If he is not interested in sex he could be struggling with issues you cannot possibly understand or change in him. It sounds to me like he may be using you. Do what you feel is best, but do not allow him to walk all over you.

Answer 10

have you tried counsiling?if so,and it hasnt worked then i honestly dont see your marriage improving.he has to be willing to make it better,you cant force him to do something he doesnt want to do.i can tell you from past experience that marriage is a 50-50 deal.it will not work if you are giving 95% and settling for his 5%.do what you think you deserve.if you deserve a better life than what he is willing to give you,then divorce him.