Is it time to divorce or give another chance to work it out?

Question

I have been married for 4 and a half years. My husband had very serious family conflict with his parents and financial failiure in the beginning of our marriage. He said he was depressed. We didn't have sex for first 4 years of our marriage. After fighting and arguing, he reluctantly tried to sex (also it was time for us to have baby) He doesn't have sexual interest, sometimes I wonder if he is asexual. Also, first one year and half of our marriage, I was supporting us financially by myself. He could have helped me to make us get by, by getting any job that he could get. But he just told me he applied and can't get a job. (Often I saw him playing video games) My earning was not enough that we borrowed money from various family members and used our wedding money that was given by my parents. He didn't even get me a engagement ring. I still find myself trying to figure out how we can be financially stable by myself. He said he is trying but it doesn't seem like it. He is very selfish.

We are financially better than before, not in a debt, having some savings now. We have no kids. I have created the business that I developed while I was working full time, it sort did well for 2 and a half years. He did contribute alot that time. But now it is not doing well and it seems I face what we are going to do. He doesn't seem to be in urgent mode like I am because I don't want to go back to our bad financial situation. His parents are really crazy and they treated me so bad in spite of what I have been doing. We try to make sex Happen but it is not happening. He did improve a litte compared to before but I still see that guy who didn't help me when I was carrying the burden myself, I also couldn't have wedding because of him. My family thinks he is lazy, don't care about me. Because I wanted to committ to marriage and I carried it through so far. He says he will work it out slowly but I don't believe him because nothing changed.

Answer 1

No matter what the reason is that he hasn't acted like a husband to you, whether it's because of depression, another mental illness, a physical illness, a character defect, or just plain old selfishness, YOU MUST separate yourself from him physically, and as much as possible emotionally, until he gets the outside help he needs to become your husband. Please find another place to live immediately, separate your finances from his, and don't be a naive fool while you're doing this. INVOLVE OTHERS like your parents to protect you. Don't be ashamed. Give people a chance to help you separate from him, I beg you, dear. Then, he will be faced with the reality that things have changed and his life will change whether he likes it or not. He can get help, get better, and have a great future, if he chooses to. He can have a great marriage with you, if that's what he chooses to work towards. But you can't influence his choice, believe me, sweetie. I know what I'm talkin' about. This most loving thing you can do for him is to force him to face reality and live like a grown-up if he possibly can. If he chooses not to do this, then he'll probably find another woman to prey on. And if this is what he chooses, then this is the point at which you'll know for sure who he is and what your marriage has been. If you have a real marriage, then he'll choose to work to get you back. That's for sure.

Answer 2

i know the saying stick in there with hubby but he's lazy and leaving everything up to u does he at least have dinner ready or do the housework for u if u feel your at your loose endsi would call it quits how long and much more can u take plus u have a baby u r not only dealing with a finanical problem but no sexual connections thats alot to deal with u have to know when your really fed up and tired to the point where u say enough is enough and not buying u a ring and still getting married to me thats a slap in the face and u have to borrow $ sometimes from family he really need to be man and stand up and take care of his family maybe u should try and not paying no bills and dont give him any $ and than he probably will get off his butt and get a job

Answer 3

Are you concerned about the whole Marriage or just the finance.
First you just have to ask yourself, are you happy. Is it worth it.
If your not happy at all in the marriage then you need to let it go, But if for some reason you think that you can work it out then stay. If he's not helping you with anything your basically carrying him and he's not being a man. Trust me you'll know when Enough is Enough..

Answer 4

Honey, why did you agree to marry this person (I dare not call him a Man) in the first place? You can love someone without marrying them. . .In the very beginning he showed no interest in being an adult or in helping you. DO NOT have children with this shell of a person. You deserve so much better in your life. Also, did you have sex before the wedding? If not he might be gay. Either way I believe you should get out as soon as you can and before any major problems arise. You must believe that you are strong, smart, and most of all worthy of the love and companionship of another. Please, if nothing else, get both of you to counceling. Good luck.

Answer 5

Seems amazing to me that he has money for a video game system and video games. I agree with you in that he should be taking any job he can get just to help out. I would talk to him and make it clear that he either gets a job or gets a divorce. That this is a an equal relationship and he is not holding up his end and that those days are over and he either does his part or you will kick him to the curb. Personally it seems to me that you have given everything to this relationship and he has no interest in it beyond simply living off of you. You can do better and be happier by getting rid of him and moving on with your life.

Answer 6

You answered your own question. He's already told you he was very depressed. Depression can cause every behavior and situation you described and it seems like he needs medical treatment. My advice to you, if you love him, or even if you just feel compassion for him as a person and would like to see him become a happier individual, is to encourage him to seek medical attention for his depression.

If you feel able to be supportive to him during this process, it might just be worth your while to stick it out to see if he's able to be treated successfully. You must have loved him and wanted to have a life with him at some point or you wouldn't have married him, right?

I know how exhausting it can be to be married to a partner who is not a *whole* partner due to depression. If he will admit to this difficulty and seek the help he needs, he could be a stronger person and help you to straighten out the financial mess himself. You've been taking on a lot... and try not to see him as selfish, but only as a person who has been very self-involved inside of his own mental situation.

This can change with proper medication and counseling.

If he refuses, then you will need to make the best choices for yourself and your children (if you have any.)

I sincerely wish you the best of luck with your situation. You have obviously grown very strong in the face of your situation and it's time for you to push him a bit to be an equal partner to you. I believe it can be done if he will only accept the help he needs.

Answer 7

Walk away and divorce. It might be easier, but even seeing a therapist might not work. He could very easily say all the right words and perform all the right moves to win you over. You can also go with the BS cliche that a cheater always a cheater, but not always true. The questions you should ask yourself is: Do I really love him after he hurt me like this? Can I forgive him? As a husband myself, that is all I want from my wife, is to be trusted and loved. I would not want you to be always looking over my shoulder, callin me to check on me, checking my emails, text or internet history. All of this can be exhausting and take some of the spark out of the marriage that your trying to work back into it. Trust needs to be earned. Just saying.

Answer 8

I see your marriage heading more closer to a divorce than to being able to be worked out.

First and foremost your husband need to get a job and you need to stop enabling him by continuing to support (us) financially by yourself. The fact that you and your spouse went four years without sex is proof enough that your heading closer to a divorce than to working it out. The majority of time the sex is first to go.

Second stop trying to figure out how we can be financially stable with a husband in the house. A husband is required as his duties to help bring home the bacon and fry it up in the pan and any husband who don't think that's their duties wouldn't be worthy of a woman like me.

Third , how can a husband living off of his wife financially be selfish, what does he have to give?

Answer 9

First let me tell you depression can affect every aspect of life including health and sexual desire. The reason i know i have depression and it is a illness. Your husband is also feeling so useless no job, no money, no closeness with his wife. You need to get him into see a dr. then a counsler but, he has to want to do it otherwise it wont work. Give it a chance if you love him. there is no better help than from a spouse. Tell him you love him but, you cant live like this he needs to get help to help your marraige. Stick with it girl you can do it! I know how you feel!

Answer 10

Sounds like a pet rather than a husband. I often look at my two dogs and think, "they don't pay for anything, they eat, I pick up crap after them, they never help with anything, they cost me a lot of money (pet rent, vets, boarding, etc), and I certainly ain't having sex with them. The only think they have going that your husband doesn't is that they actually seem interested in me and my life. I would say let him hit the road but be careful. He may hit you up for alimony.