what do i say to a 10 year old who is dealing with a death?

Question

this summer i volunteered for an organiation that helps little kids deal with deaths of family members. we were trained... but only for 2 hours and the way we were rtained was ridiculous. we practiced more on how to play with the kids and coloring than how to talk with them
yesterday was my first meeting with my kid. she is 10 and 2 years ago her little sister drowned. her family has never talked aobut it together and her dad is angry a lot. she still cries a lot too and is angry herself. ive told her the normal things like "its ok to feel this way.. its normal." and her dad isnt mad at her, hes just mad he lost his daughter. but what else do you say? i dont want to say cliche things like "its ok" "shes in a better place now" because... it really isnt ok. but how do i get her to deal with it effectivly? what do i say to help her?
also.. i want to bring her a little gift for next week. any ideas? i tried asking her favorite candy or stuff but she says she doesnt liek anything.

Answer 1

You should just be there for her, I know it´s tough, not knowing what to say or do, but you just have to go through that, it´s not about you, it´s about her.
She will learn to get along with you, to trust you, to cry and to let go. Why is she angry at herself? You have to make her realize there was nothing she could have done and what I mostly do, with kids like her, is try to turn her anger into something positive. Get her a hobby, something she really likes doing. What I often tried, is a notebook, a journal if you like *I wold surely get her that*. She can write whatever she wants to, she can write to her sister even, telling her everything she has to say, and you should always work with her on what she previously wrote. Of course it´s not ok and it´s unjust perhaps, but it happened, and no one is at fault, no one is guilty of it. And get the family to talk to eachother, suggest counselling, or therapy, just let them go on like this, because in the end they will end up bitter.
The thing I usually say: ¨Be strong and be full of scars, but don´t start being bitter.¨One day, she will understand...

Answer 2

look at what she draws...more times than not this is a window into a small child.

you don't have to say its okay, but you have to find a way to make the girl okay with what happened. for a 10 year old, she's not going to understand a lot, telling her that her sister is in a better place where nothing can hurt her anymore will be comforting to her.
the dad needs to get control of himself...he still has a daughter that is going to end up worse than dead if he's not there to help her with her grief.
oh, and make sure of what the circumstances were of the death. if either of these 2 people are feeling guilty because she drowned, that has to be dealt with.

Answer 3

this is a tough situation. i had to deal with it when a close friend of my family passed away and we needed to help out his children (ages 3 and 7). We discovered that they were able to cope better after they fully understood what had happened. We explained that now he is with them all the time no matter what. We also used the analogy of a hand and a glove...it's a little weird but the young ones understand it. It goes like this: the hand=persons spirit, and the glove=person's body. The glove (or body) get's a "hole"(refering to glove). in it and can no longer work for the hand (or spirit). So...even though their body isn't here with us their spirit is always there.

Also, write letters to the sister that died so that the older sister can get the things out that she has wanted to say to her. It can also help to have the older sister write letters to other members of the family (ex-angry dad) so that she can get her feelings to them because often times they children really aren't saying what they feel out loud and it helps to get it out. Drawing pictures is a good way of going about this too.

Last but not least, talk to her about normal things that you would talk to anyone about. A lot of times that loosens them up a bit and gets them more comfortable sharing their feelings with you. Besides, after a death people can get a little tired of being talked to like the whole world feels sorry for them.

p.s...all ten-year-olds like fingernail polish, jewlery, candy, or home made cookies.

Answer 4

I run a program, much like the one you are volunteering for. However, other than the one-on-one thing you are doing, we have groups. The groups have been helpful. It helps kids meet with other children who have experienced death and they learn that things like anger and sadness are okay and perfectly normal. The kids were very apprehensive about talking about death at first. They tried to avoid it at all costs. But we did little activities to help them build memories and remember people they've lost. Her last memory of her little sister is horrible. Its of her sister drowing and possibly a funeral. So, during our first group, I had kids draw pictures of their family member, maybe of a favorite memory of them. Since then, we have focused on the reactions to death and how to cope with it, rather than the death directly. Every now and then, we will have a ceremony (like a candle-lighting) or special activity, but for the most part, we talk about loss, sadness, anger, and guilt. During our second group, we made feelings puppets and they had little velcro faces with emotions that they could change. It was a great way to help them identify their feelings. We also made a feelings ball. We just took a playground ball and wrote feelings words and words that would encourage a kid to talk about grief all over the ball. We toss it around and whatever word your left thumb lands on, you have to talk about it (They love that one). We've made erasers out of Sculpey eraser clay after the kids voiced a lot of guilt, feeling they caused their parent's death. One kid got into trouble and that night, his dad decided to go drinking and driving and got into a fatal car accident. This little boy still thinks it is because of what he did. So, we made erasers to remind them that we wouldn't have erasers if we weren't allowed to make mistakes. We've also done role plays and relaxation activities. It has been really beneficial for them.

Like everyone said, you really do have to build up a rapport. You have to build trust. The more you talk about it, the more she will feel comfortable with it.
I agree that the photo album idea is a good idea. You can also bring in a picture frame kit- something for you two to assemble and she can put a picture of her sister in it. Find something you can do together. Or get a puppet. Puppets are great ways for kids to communicate- they can talk to the puppet or talk to you through the puppet and its more comfortable for them. Clay is also excellent because its relaxing to squish and you can make something that reminds her of her sister.

Good luck. Its hard work.

Answer 5

Tell her that even though her sister is gone, her sister is not in pain. You've probably already said that, try asking her exactly how she feels, don't just ask her if she's sad. When she says how she feels, support her and say that it's good that she feels these things, because it shows that she LOVES her sister.
Also, try giving her a Teddy Bear or something. (They are very supportive and good listeners. They also don't insult you, so she will feel like it is an understanding friend.)

Answer 6

Tell her it's okay to feel sad about her little sister. You might suggest she make a little album with pictures of her sister and encourage her to write everything she remembers about her sister. Because she is so young and seems to be dealing with this on her own ( no help from loving parents) she needs to have positive memories of this. Maybe you could buy her a journal for keeping the memories alive. Good luck and thanks for doing the job you are doing. It can't be easy.

Answer 7

Just be there for her, after a while she will open up to you. She has to learn to trust you first. Listen, once she talks about it and gets it off her chest she will be ok, but all you have to do is listen. As far as gifts, see what she is interested in, what does she talk about or play with, that should help you determine what a good gift would be.

Answer 8

well. I wouldn't say anything. But here are ideas for the gift.

A small stuffed animal from Sanrio. (Makers of Hello Kitty)

A cool flashlight. Lithium powered, or LED. (To keep her safe at night)

If you have a cell phone, they sell mini cell phone key chains now, so she can call you. It can only call like three no's. and 9-1-1. And i hear they are inexpensive.

a gigapet watch.

a swiss army knife with magnifying glass and scissors. I know she's a girl. but it's still cool. Leatherman mini is also cool, comes with really good scissors.

Answer 9

Wow. You are a saint. I can never do your job in a million years. You mentioned that her family doesn't talk about it. Try getting her to talk to you about what she's feeling about the incident. If she vents it out every once in a while, maybe she'll start feeling better.

Answer 10

Let her know that GOD works in mysterious ways and she doesn't HAVE to deal with this right now but she will have to at some point in time. Let her know you care for her and understand that her sis will never be back but you are there for her. Whatever she needs.