My sons dad was never there for him and now he show's up wanting to be a father to him, it gets me so mad. Is it ok to feel jealous and hurt, for my son wanting to be with his dad?
2006-06-28 08:01:41 · 19 answers · asked by jamer 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Friends
Yes it is ok.. You are the one that has been there for 14 years.. The hardest thing to realize is that he does have rights after all these years, but keep your head up and remember no one will ever take your place as a Mother, and it takes a lot to earn the Father Role.
2006-06-28 08:05:30 · answer #1 · answered by 9929 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
My own father was an on-again off-again dad. And I was a single parent of a wonderful son whose father was also on-again off-again. Been there. I think the word "right" - "is it right" - is not a helpful word. A better word would be "normal". Is it normal to RESENT him after all these years: yes, definitely.
"Hate" is the kind of word that when YOU use it, it can hurt your son. Clearly you don't want to hurt him. Boys DO need SOME kind of understanding of what maleness is and us moms just can't give that. If your son has other male figures that are positive in his life, great. But any way you criticize his dad, no matter how true it might be, IS going to hurt your son.
I thought my ex was going to be a homeless bum his whole life but he turned his life around, has a good job and owns his own house now. He couldn't have a good relationship with my son before - now he can.
At 14 years old, you know your son knows his own mind! In some ways, he can still be influenced, but he's able to see inconsistency in anyone now for himself. Trust him to know if someone is putting him on for any reason. Resent the ex all you want. Go ahead. But don't say bad things about him if your son is in the house and can hear, and for his own male development, let him see his dad. (Unless you have evidence of any wrong-doing, of course.) If he asks why you did or didn't do something in the past - about your divorce, etc., then just tell him the truth.
2006-06-28 15:18:06 · answer #2 · answered by Cloud9 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It sounds perfectly natural to be angry. And yes even jealous. Your son's interest in dad is based on curiosity. he wants to know him and the type of person he is. Don't take this as rejection. Your son loves you very much. He just wants love his father. Hopefully Dad won't go back to old habits and leave again.
My advice don't bad mouth dad in anyway. Don't argue with him in front of your son. Listen to your son talk about dad and smile.
As for your hurt feelings and jealousy. Its perfectly normal. You've put a lot of hard work being mother and father. Now that a lot of the works been done he just walks in and takes some of the glory. I would be upset too. But these feelings will past. Your son's love for you has been diminished in anyway. Once you realize that you'll feel better.
2006-06-28 15:15:23 · answer #3 · answered by the webpage master 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I can understand the way you feel because you have played both roles for so many years, but you cant be mad at your son for wanting to spend time with his dad especially if he never had a father figure in his life before. Now as far as you hating his dad, yeah I can understand that cause he was gone for so long and just expect to come in his life like nothing. Now thats crazy.
2006-06-28 15:09:38 · answer #4 · answered by grrrrme 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I will start off by saying that you should be glad that he has even come back around. Too many times dad is out of the childs life forever. Whatever has prompted him to come back and be a good man, a good father to his son - be grateful for it. It may have taken longer than YOU think it should have but at least it's happening now. Don't ruin this opportunity for your son or his dad with your bad attitude or ill feelings. At this point it's not about you. It's about your son having the opportunity to have mom and dad in his life. Jealousy is a natural thing but don't let it completely overtake you.
2006-06-28 15:07:50 · answer #5 · answered by kmichelle 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Yes it's ok, i mean it's understandable that you're feeling that way. But don't worry I think your son is probably just excited about having a dad now. And why is that?..because he knows that his dad will give him anything he wants. That's how i felt when i met my father when i was 15. But deep inside me i knew that my father didn't deserve my love because he was never there for me. So after a few months all that exciment went away. Be open to your son, talk to him about how you feel about the situtation, that way you both will understand each other! Good luck!
2006-06-28 15:39:25 · answer #6 · answered by loving_girl_05 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It might not be right, but it sure is natural. But at 14, a boy needs a father. Right now, you have to put your feelings aside and do what's best for your son, not for you. Don't worry - you are always going to be number one to your son. The dad can't just come into his life at 14 & replace you. And your son might not know that now - he might even prefer to be with his dad rather than you. But I guarantee he's going to know it when he's 21.
Chances are this guy isn't going to stick around for long anyway. Sounds like he just wants to alleviate his guilt (and he should have plenty of guilt). So bite your tongue, let your son go with his dad and be there for him when the guy lets him down again.
Good luck - I'll say a prayer for you.
2006-06-28 15:15:24 · answer #7 · answered by msgene61@sbcglobal.net 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think you need to chill and let your son decide whether he wants to spend time with his dad and get to know him after 14 years. Whatever did not work between the 2 of you is part of the past. Enjoy your son, he will never be able to catch up on what he missed and you were there for. DO NOT bad mouth the dad, that usually gets kids more interested in them.
Good luck
2006-06-28 15:05:31 · answer #8 · answered by marisanj 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Dad is a new person to him and Dad is probably acting on his best behavior. Let your son spend time with him but watch the situation closely. Once he sees what a jerk his dad can be (because dad will slip up. I am guessing he is trying to get in your son's life for some ulterior motive) he will come back home to you, thankful that you love him so much. I know its hard but play fair and be nice. You have raised him well and he will see his father's motives for what they really are.
2006-06-28 15:08:22 · answer #9 · answered by Onegoddess 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
no its not OK but i understand where you're coming from you have been the mom and the dad for that child for 14 years and now he wants to come in to the picture all freshened up didn't go through any trouble with you're son , but you need to let you're son fond out what kind of person his dad is and don't be jealous that child is not going to forget how you've been there for him his whole life , im sure you will always be number one his heart
2006-06-28 15:13:04 · answer #10 · answered by Yissel s 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋