Why would you marry a woman if you're gay?

Question

I am not against homosexuality. The lives of many women and children are destroyed when a man decides to come out of the closet after marrying and creating a family. I know of two very close friends of mine who had nervous breakdowns, after discovering their husbands were gay. It is a deep, hurtful betrayal that no woman would find easy to forgive. Her whole world is shattered, because it is a painful realization that your husband can't love you the way you thought he did.

Why be a selfish coward and hurt people this way? Why not stay single or if you're going to get married to a woman, why not tell her the truth before hand, so that at least she knows what to expect?

I ask please that no one gives any gay bashing comments or that it's a sin comment.

Answer 1

Long answer, One I am very qualified to answer. I am a 39 year old gay man that came out only 7 short years ago. I did this by telling my wife I was gay and I wanted a divorce.

Now, I am ashamed of what I did to my ex-wife and best friend. We have worked through the issue over time and we are still best friends. She knows I loved here and cared for here when we were married, but also now that we are just friends. She places no blame upon me. She blames society and their lack of ability to accept people for who they are.

When I married my ex-wife I was 26 and the year was 1992. I was an active duty military office. I came from a Lutheran background with a father who hated gays. I had every reason to do what society expected of me to do. Get married. I honestly thought I could fight off the feelings of being gay. Besides back then to even mention the word gay instantly conjured up that I was an AIDS carrying, child abusing abomination. If I had been true to myself I would have faced a horrific life of gay bashing. Getting fired from good jobs because I was gay and any number of other persecutions. I lied to myself and her.

The marriage worked in the beginning, but the sex soon stopped (or close to it). I simply didn't like it, but I did try to fulfill my duties. I stayed faithful to her through out the marriage and never cheated. However, as time has evolved so have the feelings toward gays. When I came out in 1999 being gay was chic then. Everyone knew one, had to have them over to parties, and finally realized we were not the deviants they thought we were. Logic and love finally had taken over in the world.

So, now you have heard some of my life story. So you ask why do we do this? Pressure placed upon us by society. From peers in school and college. Military service, jobs, Churches, families and friends. All of these who still don't accept us. Many still today have one or several of these reasons to hide. Only when we feel safe, and only after years of fighting with ourselves do we come out and destroy our marriages. We do what is expected and pressured to do, plain and simple. BTW for the record women do this too.

So don't blame the man/woman. Blame those out there placing these pressures upon us to hide who we really are. Blame those placing the pressures upon us to marry so we can have grandchildren or advance our careers. We are not cowards. We are victims.

To you I say you should find out his side of the story. What caused your friends husband to hide who he was, and pressure him into the marriage? Learn the other side of the story. Then help your friend realize he did love her, and by setting her free both can now go on and find another one to love again. Help their children love both of them and accept them. Stop the pressure that caused this lie to start. Stop judging, and learn and accept. Only then can the pressures other cause us stop. For we are all loved by God, and we all should love and accept each other.

Answer 2

There's no such thing as hell/heaven, Jesus Christ was schizophrenic ,God is a myth and us human beings will never find out the mystery about how the universe was created and what caused the big bang to happen unless we meet aliens that are a lot more advanced in terms of technology and knowledge than us, and that they've already solved the question and can prove it. I bet that'll happen in a few centuries. Btw, when you die you're just unconscious because your brain aka you doesn't work anymore, so you don't have to be scared.

Answer 3

Some men are trying to deny they are gay, by getting married and even raising a family.... they are "in the closet" to themselves and others...and it's just when they can't take it anymore, and realize they are lying to themselves, that they "come out".

They are honestly trying to live a "straight" life, trying so hard to deny they are gay. It's not a "deep, hurtful betrayal" on PURPOSE.

You sound like you need to have more of an open mind-- these gay men aren't EVIL..... just confused. Women don't always know what they want, either!

Answer 4

Unfortunately, whilst there is homophobia in mainstream society - this is always going to be a problem. Basically, homophobia makes it difficult for gay people to come out. Some people stay in the closet all their lives, and some will even marry to try and turn themselves straight. Some straight people even have a misconception which they tell to gay guys - "find yourself a decent woman and she'll straighten you out,"

Its not a matter of a gay guy being selfish - when he gets married, he sincerely believes that the woman will straighten him out. This sincerity isn't an act of selfishness - its an act of trying to conform to mainstream society.

Homophobia needs to go away, and then gay guys won't feel pressured into conforming to ideals.

Answer 5

I am a married man and I have been faithful and really don’t have any plans to not be faithful to my wife. I am also bisexual and I have desires that a straight man would find repulsive. But that doesn't mean that I am going to act on those desires. I got married because I knew I was bisexual and felt that I could control those desires enough to not let them interfere in my marriage. and after 20 years of being with the same woman I believe I am safe to say I was right. That doesn't mean that I am no longer bisexual because there is not a day that goes by that I am not affected by my desires for men. I am happy in my marriage and she is happy in our marriage. We love each other and we make love most nights. I will be honest and say if I had known how much my desire for men would grow as I got older I might not have gotten married. You see even though I have always known I was bisexual I didn't always want to accept it. I tried to deny it for years I wanted it to go away and since I loved being with a woman I thought it would go away if I didn't feed it. Like it was a beast I thought I could kill it with starvation. Sexual orientation is not like that. You are still drawn to the gender you are drawn to no matter how you try to deny it. It is not being selfish it is being eternally hopeful. I am not a coward. I have not hurt anyone but myself. I ache with desire that I have to constantly deny because I made a vow to my wife. I sometimes think it is like any other man who is tempted but in reality it is not because any other man can go to his wife and have his desires quenched I can not.

Answer 6

It is wrong for anyone to do that to their family, whether gay or not. How many men AND women leave their spouses after committing to them. This has absolutely nothing to with being gay and I think you may be prejudiced. Would it make a difference if that man left for another woman? if so than those woman need to take a look inside.

Answer 7

I understand your question and my heart goes out to those women who, sometimes after decades of marriage, wake up one day only to find the entire marriage was a sham. On the other hand, I can understand why men marry, especially in today's (theocratic) society.

By the way, women also do this. Many men have been hurt only to find out years later his wife is Lesbian.

If the GLBT community was granted equal (legal) status in many areas of our society, I think this destructive behavor would be lessened dramatically.

Answer 8

Many people do it for career, family, and political factors. In the old days I have more understanding. However these days its unacceptable for people to marry knowing that they are gay; only to destroy the family unit. I feel for the spouse who have be mislead, out of fear and guilt. As stated before; people of opposite sex have arrange marriages for career, family and political reasons; but both walk in knowing the bottom line.

Answer 9

Some gays don't want to admit it to themselves and will marry and have children before they come to grips with the fact that they are not het. Others will marry as a 'cover'. My guess is that your friends had husbands with the first problem.

Answer 10

sometimes they don't know the truth themselves, it's called living in denial! i have a cousin that was in a marriage the other way around, she just wasn't happy and didn't want to hurt anyone. it took years for her to find a real happiness too! she didn't have kids w/him however!

therapy is the best way to get through situations like this, and realizing that it's not the woman's or any-ones fault..the kids have to learn how to best deal with all this too.

Answer 11

Based to my culture and country...
If you didnot marry yet ( either girl or guy - over 30 yo ), people will talking something bad. They will say U GOT PROBLEM ( sexual ), U R GAY / LESBIAN, etc... everything are bad words.

For close the ppl mouth, they will married ( most of them will marry with their mother choice ).

Easy... we r not open minded about gay issue