What to do when my mother doesn’t want me to have a child with my husband?

Question

When I see my parents (mom and step-dad) and I talk to them about my husband and I wanting a baby soon, she tells me the following:

That I won’t want to get up in the middle of the night with a baby.
That she knows when I have a baby I will wish I didn’t have one at 24 years old.
She rolls her eyes and says I should wait until I am 35 to have a child and maybe by then I won’t want one anymore.
She is afraid if I have children I might get frustrated with them and make their lives miserable.

She seems jealous of me. She had two children before she was 21 and got divorced at 24.

I have a college degree, I have been with my husband for 5 years, married for over a year, I have a good job, insurance, own a home that is almost paid off, and I have two brand new cars paid off. My husband and I love each other and want to start a family, why can’t she be happy for me and stop trying to ruin my dream of having a baby??!!

Answer 1

You're an adult now, and you have your own life and family to plan and take care of. Your mom had her chance during her time. This is your time now, not hers. Sure she has opinions about what you should do, but the ultimate decision is yours and your husband's. I know it's hard when we hear our parents telling us things contrary to what we want to do, but it is your life - you do what you feel is best for you and your husband, and eventually your family (meaning your future kids).

Before I got married, when my hubby and I were engaged, my parents were hesitant to give their full approval - they said I was too young (I was 20), they said I should finish school first, and since they live in a different country, they were feeling like they would never see me again (which is not true of course). Somehow it was hard for them, especially for my mom, to let go of me - to realize that I am an adult now and not a kid. I was also the first one to marry in our family, so it was especially hard for them at that time. Sometimes our parents underestimate us for what we are capable of doing. It's because they look at us and think that we are still little children. Obviously your mom has doubts on your ability to become a parent yourself - maybe it is because she is afraid for you because she didn't have a very good experience or that she had regrets earlier on in her life. Well, you have to tell yourself that you are not your mom, and your circumstances are different from hers. For people who had traumatic experiences before, it is hard for them to believe that good things can indeed happen to other people. Your mom is just being cautious because she wants you to be happy, and not make the same mistake she did (if she felt that she had make a mistake). Talk to your mom and confront her. Ask her why she keeps on insisting that you should not have kids right now. Tell her that you want to, and that you are capable of being a good mother. Make her feel somehow involved in your decision-making so she will know how important it is to you to have her support, and how it is important to you to have a baby.

If she doesn't change her opinion, if she still insists on what she believes is te right thing to do, go ahead and do what you have been dreaming of - to have a baby. With my experience that I had just mentioned, despite my parents apprehensions, I made the ultimate decision myself and married the man I love, because I knew myself and I knew that I was ready.

Age doesn't have a lot to do with what we do in our life - with some exceptions of course - it's more about our level of maturity and knowing ourselves - Are you ready to do this? Are you ready for what happens? If you feel that you are then go for it. At this point in your life, you are at the head of your own boat, your parents can only be at the side watching you sail or to cheer you on.

Answer 2

here are some valid responses:

That I won’t want to get up in the middle of the night with a baby.---"Mom, I guess that I would just have to, even when I don't want to, kinda like how I used to have to clean my room when I lived with you. hey did I mention that me and my husband pay our OWN house note now?"

That she knows when I have a baby I will wish I didn’t have one at 24 years old. "My decision to have a baby at 24 will be mine alone. I will own that responsibility. Is this about me being 24 and a mother or you being ___ and a grandmother?"


She rolls her eyes and says I should wait until I am 35 to have a child and maybe by then I won’t want one anymore. "Well mom, I have heard that the later a woman waits, the more likely her child is to have downs syndrome."

She is afraid if I have children I might get frustrated with them and make their lives miserable. "That is just assinine"

Answer 3

Definitely sounds like she is jealous of you. You can't make someone be happy for you, and unfortunately you can't make them change their minds. You need to really be the judge of your own life, talk to your husband. If starting a family is what you want then by all means have a little one. Babies change the world, hopefully if you decide to have a baby, you will be a wonderful mother, and your mom will see what a mistake she was making in telling you those statements. Just because she feels that she should have waited doesn't mean it's for everyone. You sound like you have your head on straight, you have your life together, and you have a wonderful husband who loves you. Start a family, share the love.
Only you can decide when you are ready. Good luck!

Answer 4

Hello. It is horrible that you have been made to feel this badly. Family many times mean well, but say such hurtful things. It is important that you and your husband make this decision together. This will be YOUR family. Yes, your parents will be part of this family. But, remember they are going to be the extended family. You and your husband and your future children are the most important priority. You need to live your life for you. You can't live their life for them. You can't fix their past mistakes. Only you can live your life. You and only you can decide this important decision.

You have a great foundation for parenthood. I'm impressed with how many steps you have already accomplished. Most parents don't achieve these things until well after their first child is born.

You seem to have a wonderful heart. You care about people and their feelings. You have gone to college and have achieved many goals. Your financially secure. You can even afford to stay home with your child, if you want to. I'm sure you will make a wonderful mother. (Note: After you have a baby, if you get frustrated, just remember to take a break. It is alright to admit when your frazzled. You can always leave the baby with Daddy. All mothers get frustrated. All mothers need a break sometimes. There is nothing wrong with getting frustrated. It doesn't make you a terrible mother.)

It is wonderful that you have a solid marriage with a supportive husband. This will be important when you need someone to lean on. Having parents that love control can cause strain on a marriage. You can't change your parents. There will be many times you won't make them happy. I'm sorry. I wish I could change mine, too. Yes, it breaks your heart. We all want to please our parents. We just can't.

Your husband and you are now going to part of a New Family. Remember what brought you together. Remember to support and love one another and you will be blessed. Having a family is worth it!

Answer 5

Im so sorry that you're going through this. I don't know what your relationship is like with your mother, but its your life and she'll have to deal with whatever you and your husband choose to do. It seems that you're ready for a baby, well at least financially you are stable and able to provide for a child. You and your husband both want it, so go for it. The only thing you have to decide is if you can handle your mom's reaction to the pregnancy. Im sure she'll eventually get over it, but who knows how long it will take. My mom's friend was like that with her daughter and she didn't speak to her daughter the entire pregnancy but once that baby was born she couldn't stay away. I say have fun trying to make a baby, enjoy your pregnancy and then your child. Pray that your mom will get over it and be there for you, and if she doesn't know that you can't forever live your life for her. Its YOUR life. Good luck.

Answer 6

There is a point in your life where you have to remind yourself that you live only one life and that is yours. You cannot live it for your mom and you can not live your life to make her happy. She is completely responsible for the choices she made through out her own life. Now is your turn. You are free to make choices and to live with those consequences
She sounds like she has made some mistakes and she doesn't want you to make the same. However, nobody took her choices away from her. We all have to remember that we are a compilalation of all the choices we have made throughout our lives and the fact that I am sitting here typing you on THIS computer, in THIS home, at THIS moment of THIS day is all because of choices I have made in my life. If I don't like any part of it, I can make a different choice. REALLY, in the end, it all comes out okay.
Tell your mother with the utmost of respect that she should be proud of you and to pat herself on the back for helping you get to this place. It sounds like she did a pretty good job of raising you from the way you describe your life. Then tell her to trust all the good things she taught you and the morals she instilled upon you. Tell her that this is your decision and she can only make her choices for her. But all in all, remind her that in the end, its all going to be okay. Having a child now or at 35 isn't going to be the "make it or break it" decision of you life.
Your mother sounds just a little bitter. People feel that way when they think they have been wronged. When we take personal responsibility for our choices, we realize that nobody can "wrong" us. (aside from violent acts) Help her to see the beauty in the now and put the past behind her. When she makes a comment about not having a child, remind her that she is saying that because of her past. She will be much happier to ground herself in the present. She thinks she is saying it because of the future, but we don't have the future. The harsh truth is that tomorrow is not a sure thing. Plan for the future but don't live in it.
If any of this made sense to you or you want to dig a little deeper, I read a lot of Wayne Dyer stuff. He is an author and he has quite a few books out there. You might have seen him on PBS. He has helped me to heal from a lot of past stuff and live in the moment. But don't force it on your mother. There is a saying but I don't know who said it that "When the student is ready, the Master will appear." Meaning that you can't teach anything to anybody unless they are ready for the message.

Answer 7

I think you should stop talking to your mother about having a baby. When you do get pregnant you shouldn't tell her until you are out of the first trimester. Mainly because most first pregnancies miscarry during the first trimester and if that would happen i don't think your mother would be very sympathetic to you. Sounds to me your ready for children financially and emotionally. In time your mother will accept your decision on having children. Best of luck to you.

Answer 8

She sounds bitter about her own experiences. Tell her that you are a married adult who is both financially and emotionally secure. Her life is not yours and she needs to stop making you feel like you were such a burden to her. Let her know that this attitude is hurtful and you will not listen to her talk like that if it continues. Once you give her that warning act on it, hang up the phone, turn your back, walk away. Whatever will give her that message. It may seem disrespectful but it's no worse than what she's doing to you.

Answer 9

You are a grown woman, it is time for your mom to let you grow up and do what you want, not what she THINKS you should do!! Good for you for being 24 and almost having a house paid for!! Have a baby if you want to,and tell her it's your life now, not hers. She will change her mind once she holds her grandchild for the first time!!

Answer 10

Ok! Your mom knows you since the day of your birth. Do you have a good relationship with your husband? Is he faithful? Do you like kids? Are you prepared to give everything in your being to another human being and provide unconditional love to something you created with no expectations?
IF the answer is yes to these. Go for it.