How can I be more of a "people person" and not be afraid of people?

Question

All my life I have been shy and never was never really assertive. Of course, I would stick up for myself. But, it's more like over the years I've grown more and more scared of talking to people. Even on the phone I can't talk to someone I don't know. I have to have someone else do it, like my mom. I want to know how I can be more of a people person? How can I not be afraid to talk to people. I am so scared of going anywhere alone. I have to have someone with me just so I won't be alone with all these people I don't know! It's horrible! I can't continue to be like this!

Answer 1

Go up to people every now and then. It takes guts and some practice, so take baby steps.

Answer 2

I was informed by a long ago past boss, who is now a president for BP, that introverts are people who recharge when alone, and extroverts are those who re-energize amongst people, strangers or not. She was/still is so panickied about public speaking that she carefully writes every word she speaks before an engagement. After each one she tries to go home, or to the hotel room and sit alone for an hour or so. She still hates it. The thing is, no one would know it unless they knew her personally. The reason I mention her is that I still do the same and she noticed it one day I was fretting over a presentation.
It can get easier, but it is painful, but worthwhile, to get there.
I knew I had to deal with it, so started waiting tables, which was sheer hell for a couple months until I realized people seldom really pay attention to you. A few jobs later, I went the next step and began teaching part time, which also was hell in the beginning. At least though. I learned to work through it now, after several jobs in the corporate world, I'm teaching at the business college at UNL.
Baby steps with occasional throwing yourself into situatation where you must swim, (but not so much so that you may sink), will help work yourself through it. From what I'm gathering, you may never be the easy social butterfly that many folks seem to be naturally, but you may be able to act like one for short periods of time. You might also appreciate the fact that you are probably more adept at conceptualizing complex matters than some folks who want to be continually interupted and embedded in social activity, thanks to your overly reflective nature. Use it to your advantage.

Good luck to you.

Answer 3

When I was a young kid (age four or five), I used to hide in the back room behind the dryer whenever guests came over.

When I was ten, I was supposed to go to camp for a week where I would not know anyone. I tried my best but cried and cried for an hour after we got there, and my parents brought me home.

(The next year, we tried again... and this time after being left there, I made it and did okay.)

Not until a few years ago did I get used to the idea of talking to people I didn't know on the phone. I *hated* it... and that's not really the right word. It terrified me.

When I meet new people, I don't know what to say. I don't want to offend them. I don't want to look foolish. I don't want to make a mistake. I want tthem to know I like them, but simply don't know how to make small talk. It's very very uncomfortable, and I struggle to do it.

However, having done it as part of just having to do my job, I have learned how to live with the anxiety and plow through. And the funny thing is that the more I practice it, the better I get and the less nervous I am in general. The anxiety is never gone, but I simply know it's not a big deal and I will make it through -- regardless of how clumsy I am in the conversation.

It sounds to me like you are just growing increasingly anxious. I'm a little worried for you since you say it's getting worse. There are some people with "avoidant" type behaviors -- they tend to be very self-critical, very sensitive inwardly to what others say and how they say it, they feel like everyone is looking upon them poorly (so every little "mistake" is magnified), and so on... They like people but often isolate themselves because the stress is just too much.

There's no good way to get through it, other than training yourself to (1) persevere and (2) believe that no matter how good or bad you perform, you are still a worthwhile person and no one is judging you.

This, in fact, is often the case. The more I worried about what to say and how I looked to someone else, the more anxious I got. And then the other person started to wonder what was wrong. When I just accept the anxiety and just try to "be me," the other person often doesn't even know I'm anxious... or even if I am, they are gracious and don't stop talking to me.

In any case, part of it is learning to accept yourself right where you are at. It doesn't matter if you are the greatest conversationalist, or if you botch a conversation, or say something dumb. Everyone does it. It's not as big a deal as it feels.

You can practice with small things if you want -- phoning in a pizza order, for example. Also, in your conversations, it will help you feel a little more in control if you have a clear reason to talk to the person, and a goal in mind.

(For example, at work, I try to be friendly when I call someone, but I always know what I want, when I need it, and I stick to the reason I called. The person is not expecting me to chit-chat. If a chat happens, fine. If not, I can just finish my request, then say "bye." And everything's fine.)

If you're really stuck on what to say, ask broad questions and let the other person do the talking. Most people love to answer questions.

I'm rambling now, but you did fine writing your question to a bunch of people you do not know. Verbal conversation will be another step up, but you can do this. Just start small, and don't have high expectations for yourself. There is nothing you need to judge yourself about.

Answer 4

Maybe your self esteem is declining? If there is something about you that you dont like it will become increasingly difficult to talk to people. You have to be happy with yourself first.
Otherwise, some people are just like that; shy, withdrawn.
To be more of a people person if you are not, try to get involved with activities in your community.
I am not sure how old you are, but a drink or two might make talking to people easier.
Make a game out of trying to become more outgoing. When you go to a store, force yourself to talk to the person at the register or at least one other person in the store before you leave. Talk to people online and on the phone. Join a gym and talk to people there.
Maybe you should just relax and not worry about not talking to people. Just chill... and things will happen their own way.
Thats about all the things I can think of doing. I had this problem for a while myself. I eventually just took a step back and realized I was unhappy with myself, which made it hard to talk to people. I fixed that and my social life was fixed also.

Answer 5

Yours is a situation where the theory of 'Fake it 'til you make it' applies.

I was shy most of my life, but in order to give my children the best life possible, I took a job where I had to deal with the public because it paid better than anything else. Then I did the job because I had to. I called people and talked to them and when I had to go see them, I just sucked it up and did that too.

Most of my life I have had jobs dealing with people, investigating, training, teachng, art shows. I have been a girl scout leader, worked in ministries and done volunteer work in the inner city. And I still feel like that shy little girl inside, but people stopped seeing her a long time ago.

Because I faked being that outgoing people person until I became that woman.

You can do it too.

Answer 6

People have given you a lot of good ideas on here. Right there that shows you there are good people out there. I have the same problem, but when I do go out in public it usually is an okay experience. I would like to suggest the author James Allen his books have some really inspiring things in them. Take it slow and you could participate in some groups to get started it`s a little safer, but be careful trust your instincts. GOOD LUCK TO YOU !!

Answer 7

There is no way to "make" yourself become a people person. It takes time. Some people are naturally like that while others have to work on it. You could try practicing with people you know, pretend that they are strangers. Have them bring over a friend that you don't know. Make sure that every morning when you wake up, tell yourself that you are beautiful, you are smart, you are a good person. Repeat that mantra over and over and over again. It could be that you have low self esteem. If so, find out what about yourself you don't like or think other people don't or won't like and figure out why. As long as you have belief in yourself and don't worry about other people's opinion, you will be fine. I think you might have that fear of, "What does that person think of me? What if they don't like me? What if, what if, what if?" Stop asking that and don't worry. When you carry yourself higher, and have more faith in who you are, you will see a change in how you connect with people. And don't forget to smile!

Answer 8

I am the same way. It's okay to be afraid but I mean it's really disrupting your life so you need to do something. Just take the leap, like I went and sat down next to this other girl and just asked if she wanted to play cards I mean I was scared but what's the worst thing that can happen? She'll pull a knife on me? I don't think so. You just have to do it.

Answer 9

Start by practicing in situations where it doesn't matter a lot.
A spot on a blouse after it comes back from the dry cleaners.
A short errand down the block.
All fears must be faced. It's the only way. And you will feel ten feet tall when you do. Good luck.

Answer 10

You know, I used to be the same way. It completely turned me around when I got a job at a KFC and had to interact with people and customers everyday. So if you're afraid of people, you should get a job someplace where you're constantly exposed to people so become more comfortable around it. Trust me, you're not an introvert, just an extrovert that hasn't figured it out yet. :)

Answer 11

The first step, of the many steps I took to get rid of this problem was to get counseling and take medication. There where many other steps I took, but the best one that I can give you, is to get a pet. You will see that a pet will help you, or at least, work towards ridding you of this problem like it did for me. Try it and let me know how it works. My yahoo screen name is whyno449rs.