can a marriage recover from an affair?

Question

After 8 years of marriage my husband had an affair with a co-worker and we are still together. Their affair lasted 1 1/2 years, how can we get past it?

Answer 1

Well, yes a marriage can recover from an affair. Many marriage have made it inspite of. But you will need to communicate because obvious something was missing for him to cheat (because you did not say he was a bad guy). But you might need to go to counselor to repair the damage. I know from first hand experience, it does hurt when a spouse cheats on you. But you can get past it.

Answer 2

That is such a rough road. I used to read this monthly column "Can This Marriage Be Saved" and - by the end of the recitation of "what happened," I'd be snorting, "No way! This marriage is OVER." And, of course, I was always wrong. The rest of the article was dedicated to what the parties did to save their marriage.

It ALWAYS entailed getting marriage counseling. There is something about having to bare your soul, accept your mistakes, make amends, give your forgiveness and discuss the future in front of a neutal third party that inspires honesty and a true commitment. It's so easy to obsficate when it is just you and your partner talking. But, you know, when you do it in front of Dr. Phil, you pretty much gotta own it. And that is a good thing because it allows the two people to know exactly where they stand and see where they can go. That kind of firm footing is necessary to saving a marriage.

Then, of course, it takes your husband really and truly ending the affair. I assume, from your post, that he has done this. You can have a part in this, too, you know - you can write to the other woman and ask her to now stay away from your husband, emotionally and - as much as possible since they are coworkers - physically so that the two of you (hubby and yourself) can get your marriage back on track. Or, if you have the fortitude, you can do that in person. Get a little closure for yourself.

It wouldn't hurt for your husband to change jobs.

But most importantly, you both have to WANT to get past it. If you both want to get past it and go to counseling to understand why and how it happened, and re-dedicate yourselves to each other - adopting new behaviors and attitudes where necessary - then you will be in a position to eventually make the leap of faith it will take to trust each other full agaiin.

Good luck - really - good luck. And take care.

Answer 3

Been there -- about a year into our marriage my husband had an affair and I kicked him out. It lasted about 7 months meanwhile he kept telling me he wanted to come home.

I allowed him to get it out of his system and I wouldn't even speak to him or let him in if he came over. In my mind it was over -- then one day we did speak and were able to work things out. But in order to do so, I needed to get away -- we moved to Texas (we live in NY) because every where I went I would see a bar where I know they went -- or I would pass this woman's road. I couldn't get away from reminders of it and I couldn't trust him that it was over, So we moved to Texas for a year and worked thru it -- this was 6 years and our relationship is better than it was before the affair.
I don't know if you can just pick up and move -- but if they work together, you are always going to wonder and it will tear you apart. Also, some advise -- mine happened so long ago and I'm sure my husband doesn't think about it -- and you know the other woman doesn't think about it, but it is still on my mind all the time. I know it is over and I do trust him now (although he doesn't know he's earned my trust back yet - he is still on best behavior, even after 6 years) but my point is - I am still being punished when I didn't do anything wrong. Why do I still have to hurt when the wrong doers don't even think about it. I love my husband and our lives together, but I do often wonder if I should have taken him back. He did betray me, and I'm sure he will do it again - that's what guys do. So really think about it - before you do anything. It worked OK with our relationship - but it still hurts me. If you want to talk to someone who knows - feel free to email me [e-mail]

Answer 4

Ok, once the trust has been broken, what makes you think that he will not do it again? It might work with counseling and getting to the bottom of it, why he had an affair that lasted a year and a half!!! It was not just a one night stand which is pretty lousy if you are in a relationship, but an affair that went on for so long? I would be out of there.

Answer 5

At one time I thought it could. With my first wife I was in the army and we were apart a lot. I got involved with someone and my wife found out about it. At the time I thought we worked things out and I didn't cheat again. After 17 years of marriage she told me she wanted a divorce. She was involved with a co-worker and she brought up all the stuff that we went through when I had cheater from over 10 years earlier. She acted like it happened yesterday. From that experience I'd say it can't recover because nothing is ever forgotten. There will always be that inner feeling that it could happen again.

Answer 6

Well, i've been married 5years and as for me an affair is the ONLY issue i don't se a recovery from,But that's just me(as someone else stated).First ask yourself are you willing to spend the rest of your life with a man who has gotten naked and laid in the arms of/with another woman/man (you didn't specify)kissing,breathing,touching and whispering sweet nothing(pillow-talk) in the ears and then climb back into your arms/bed without a second thought.Let me say intamacy in a marriage is so much more powerful than a fling or even the sex before the marriage.NO,you can't get past that especially with a co-worker,what you gonna do when he leaves for work or were you silly enough to think if they no longer work together he want do it,bottom line where is his moral obligation to you not any one else.In marriage he PROMISED you before GOD and witnesses you were the ONLY person in the world he would love, honor,protect,and the main two i totally need and expect WORSHIP ME and FAITHFUL BE TO ME.

Answer 7

Wow, 1 1/2 years that's a long time. I would like to say yes that anything is possible. But I am not so sure anymore. I think to recover would take a lot of work and honesty from both parties. Both parties would have to be open about everything and be understanding that it will take time to rebuild the trust lost in the relationship.

Answer 8

It's really hard to recover from such a thing because it really deals with trust and faithfulness but many couples have overcome it and learned to forgive. Have either of you talked about the reasons that lead to the infidelity? Remember there must have been problems before the affair. Even things that you felt were little problems but he may have not felt that way or visa versa. I hope that everything works out. If you and your husband really want it to work out, it will. Have faith in the love that brought you together, share it with him and, who knows, he might just see the wonderful woman he's married and love you the way you deserve to be loved. Best wishes and take care.

Answer 9

I've never had to, and hopefully never will, go through what you have, but a loving relationship can conquer even this... but you have to realize a very important component has now been destroyed and that's TRUST. I don't think you'll be able to fully trust him now.

I feel so sorry for you... but if your love for each other is still strong then something like this could actually in a 'weird' way make it stronger by making your bond now tighter. He may have strayed during a time of low self control, but this could set him straight for the rest of your relationship.

Still, it shouldn't have happened...

Best of luck...

Answer 10

OK, looks like you have SEVERAL responses from women; here's one from a man. I agree that 18 mos ISN'T a casual affair. BUT for things to even GET to that point, it started WAAAAAAY before they became physical. 18 mos shows that he has no respect for YOU, for YOUR MARRIAGE, or for himself. For 18 mos ( or longer ) YOU have NOT been 1st in his life. So, looking at it from THAT point of view, my opinion would be NO, there ISN'T a way to get past it. BTW- WHY did the affair end ? If he was TRULY sorry and remorseful for cheating, it WOULDN'T have taken 18 MONTHS !!!!!!!!

Sad to say, but it sounds like time to move on with your life. If your husband DID want to be married, it obviously WASN'T to you. ( I really don't want that to come across as 'harsh', just want you to see the truth for what it is). My g/f stayed in a bad marriage for waaaay too long because she had put on weight and had 3 kids and thought no one else would want her. I am proof that there ARE good guys out there ( we're harder than hell to find - but we're there.....)

Best of luck.