Both parents have died, and are better places.In therapy, still grieving hard. How does one stop the pain?

Question

My father died two months ago and my mother died five years ago. I know both are in better places. I am in therapy for grief counceling but the pain is so intense this time around. I feel my life is spinning out of control. Is there anything else I can do to gain control?

Answer 1

i am so sorry to hear that...my advice is:

find something that makes you want to wake up every morning...whether it be, making a child happy, animals, writing..publish a book (the best creative work comes from moments of pain)...

exercise--there was a clinical study w/ people who were on anti depressants and were overweight...they worked out instead of taking medication and it worked much better for them, and they eventually went off the medicine....

TRAVEL...go somewhere you've always wanted to go...dont stay in a rut...even if you feel bad when you leave, just know that it will be an eye-opener for you, and have faith. staying in the house, working, etc...is not going to make this pain go away...YOU come first...there is always a way.

those are all things you can do physically. mentally, just remember that you are NOT alone. this is completely normal. you cant expect therapy to fix it...its much deeper than some doctor's opinion.

you are capable of so much more than you know. if you are religious, remember that God said he would never put more on you than you could hold.

maybe you feel guilty to NOT think about it..and are obsessing over it? force yourself to put it out of your mind..i know thats easier said than done, but do something else, whenever you feel something coming on....

use this grief and these emotions to do something productive...change your body, make a difference in someone elses life--that sounds difficult, but sometimes when i'm sad or lonely, i take that grief and make someone else happy w/ it...and it somehow goes away...

realize that this is all part of nature...this happens to everyone at some point or another....and now its over with....the hardest part has passed...its a terrible thing, but it was beyond your control...no matter what, it would've happened

and finally, dont be so consumed w/ grief that you dont notice whats right in front of you....if you have kids or a spouse...show your kids that you are still their parent...dont let this get the best of you..you're strength is their strength and they are learning from you...children (any...not just your own) are so innocent that sometimes they're the best to talk to, because they really give you something to think about.

just think, if you can go through this, and make it and come out alive....you will have done the toughest thing in life and still survived it...store your parents in that special place in your mind...take one day to cry all you want, miss work, fall apart-anything...and then after that, store them in your memory and lock it

you'll be w/ them again and just have faith...its moments like these that truely test our faith...

Answer 2

I know you probably heard this already but time really does heal you. Someone gave me a poem that a think also helped, I still read it sometimes. So maybe it will help you a little.

Death is nothing at all. It does not count.
I have only slipped away into the next room.
Nothing has happened. Everything remains exactly as it was.
I am I and you are you and the old life that we lived so foundly
together is untouched, unchanged.
Whatever we are to each other, that we are still.
Call me by the old familiar name.
Speak of me in the easy way which you always used.
Put no difference into your tone.
Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.
Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes we enjoyed together.
Play, smile, think of me, pray for me.
Let my name be ever the household word that it always was.
Let it be spoken without an effort, without the ghost
of a shadow upon it.
Life means all that it ever meant.
It is the same as it ever was.
There is absolute and unbroken continuity.
What is death but a negligible accident.
Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight?
I am but waiting for you, for an interval, somewhere
very near, just around the corner.
All is well.

Answer 3

I know how you feel. I lost my parents a year and a half apart. All youcan do is really take it a day at a time. Since you are in counseling - keep at it. You may want to keep a journal - just to write. You can just write or maybe do it like you are writing to your parents.

There is s book called motherless daughters ( i don't know if you are a woman) - but loving and missing someone is painful no matter what sex you are.
The holidays are tough for me and around their birthdays. My are gone 8 years now and I still feel it intensely sometimes, especially since I don't have other family.

Maybe you can get involved with a seniors group or some sort of voluteer organization that will bring you closer to people that are older and you can get a "foster" parent feel and at the same time maybe bring some happiness to someone that may have loved ones that don't see them too often.

Don't give up. Best wishes.

Answer 4

I am so sorry for what you are feeling. If you can talk to others in your situation I think that would be good. I can't reccomend a precription as I think your therapist would know best on that. I know it feels bad when people say " oh it just takes time" but it really does. I went through something similar. But I now realize that the death of my loved one was the straw at that time. I had other issues going on and that heightened my grief. Keep trying to stay busy and focus on other things in your life that may need help. This may help. I can imagine how you feel as I lost both grandparents and grew up in their home. You really need to be with people right now. I know this may sound silly but if you don't have a significant other then maybe a pet would help. I hope this help somewhat and I will keep you in my thoughts.

Answer 5

I too am without both parents; I know it doesn't seem like it but you can get to a point where you can cope; I still cry on their b-days and
mother's day and father's day. I pray and ask God's help to cope.
Having faith in Him has helped more than anything else. It is one of those things that experts list as 'life altering" and it is that!

Live your life to honor them. Talk to them out loud when you're alone.

lean on your friends and family network for support.

Answer 6

Its hard.

You can still talk to your parents, though. Aloud, when you're alone. And since you're not around others when you talk to them aloud, you don't need to try to squelch the crying - let it go.

Also, it sounds like you need to make new connections. Rescue an adult dog and it give it some of the love it needs and has been doing without. Find a cause that involves helping others, like a hospice foundation or a help line or anything that appeals to you, and use that to make yourself useful.

Answer 7

you said it yourself its a matter of gaining control of your reaction to what is going on the pain never stops it just becomes more bearable (hopefully) and you keep going maybe you need to see a better therapist or maybe you are just not confronting other issues in your life maybe you lump it all into one category as grieving and it could be that ytour parents' death has brought up things you have never had to face before

Answer 8

well i dont think the pain will go away right away. but it will fade after a while. when my mom was killed i never thought the pain would go away. but a person told me to write her and tell her good bye and put it in a bile or a safe place. but just know they will allways be in your heart.

Answer 9

Exercise. And it will heal