What do you do when you're in love with "Dr. Jeckel and Mr. Hyde", a person with 2 personalities?

Question

I've been married for 21/2 years, we've been together for 6 years. He's really nice, but like every other relationship we had problems. Breakups were horrrible fights. I tried moving on many times but if he saw me with someone else he would start following me & scaring off my guy friends. After a couple of years of breaking up and making up I finally decided that I really had to get over the relationship because we were just hurting each other, he knew the things that hurt me and he would do them on purpose when we fought just to make me angry...Or to hurt me. I don't want to make it seem like I did nothing wrong, but honestly you really can't compare the things I do to the things he does, and to make things worst he always gets his family involved. He tells them his story and makes me look bad, then when everyone tells him his better off without me he starts acting like an a**. We break up I try to move on, next thing you know he's treatening my dates, & asking me to take him back.

About 6 mths before we got married I broke up with him & I took a month vacation from work, & stayed at my friends house, he didn't know where I was..I though that was the perfect plan. When I got back I treated him like a stranger I didn't look at him or say anything to him, but everytime he saw me he would say really stupid things to me, I would ignore all the insults & act as if he wasn't there. It worked for a while until one of his friends told him about someone I was going out with. Then he started calling, following me, and acting really nice, and after 2 months I ended up giving him another chance. He's a wonderful person when he wants to be, after a few months we got married, everything was going well. 1 month after we got married he started getting his family involved again..His sisters and I hate each other as a result. I hate the fact that they act as if they know me, and they've always lived 1000s of miles away from me, I never really talked to them & I met them once.

Answer 1

Sounds like you need to move on. It also sounds like you need to have a restraining order placed on him!

Answer 2

Wow! It sounds like you've been through a lot already! From what I've seen, people don't generally change too much from their basic personality. If he is a person who scares people, follows you and intimidates you into coming back, he should probably be addressed with caution. I'm sure he's just afraid of losing you , and his actions speak to desperation. I suggest that if you want to leave, you plan it so that you can move, or leave, and he won't be able to contact you for a long time. That will allow him to go through his anger and not target you. If things progress too far you may need to consider filing a restraining order to give him the message that you are serious, and he needs to hear that. Good luck, It's hard being in that situation, I'm sure the other side of him can be charming and loving. You'll make the right decision, either way, when you're ready and it'll be the right decision for you.

Sincerely,
The Counselor

Answer 3

I was married to the same kinda of guy ! He got my family invovled to. We had children together so it was hard . One day why he was at work i had some of the people i worked with come over we changed the locks and put everything that belonged to him i mean everything in boxes neatly by the curb !! Then i stayed with people i knew from work for a few days and answered none of his calls got the xparte moved back home i think he was so shocked i could do all that in one day he just left me alone for good . Now we have a nice relationship as friends for the kids and i am remarried and happy .

Answer 4

I have done this- I had to move 65 miles away and it took 2 years before the threats and the violent calls stopped we just finally became civil. You must file for divorce and relocate and not give a forwarding address get a post office box and try to pick up the pieces. Good luck.

Answer 5

When I first read your qustion, I had a totally different answer from the one I had after reading what led up to your question. So I'll give you both answers.

The first answer I had is from personal experience...When in love with a man with two personalities, I've found I tend to overlook or ignore those aspects I don't like, and focus only on what I want to draw out...For instance, my guy has a really good heart, and he's sweet and can be very vulnerable, while not losing anything in the way of manliness. He's very smart, and can make me laugh like nobody else can. But sometimes, when we're talking about religion or how the world works, I have to just 'agree to disagree' and know that I'm not here to change him (nor allow him to change me). What I CAN do for him is love and accept him as he is...one of the greatest gifts we can give anybody, really. The parts of him I don't like (his bigotry for instance), I ignore, and when he comes out with a prejudiced remark, I give him a look that says, "I can't believe you just said that." But I don't aggravate the situation by getting into a fight about it or give it any more energy because I don't want to encourage it, and negative attention is still attention. I've learned from my church that, "What you resist, persists." The opposite of love is not hate, it's apathy. By not feeding into his beliefs or making him defend them, I'm not encouraging them to grow stronger. But as I live my life, by my example, I try to demonstrate tolerance and acceptance, because I believe to get people to change, "WE must be the change we wish to see" (Gandhi said that). We only have control over ourselves, not another, no matter how many times they may tell us otherwise! (i.e., "You make me so mad." No, I didn't MAKE you mad...you chose to be mad.)

My second answer is a little different because of what you wrote after I read your question. This sounds like a classic control freak...doesn't particularly want you when he has you but doesn't want anyone else to have you either. I'd get a restraining order and to hell with what anybody (including his family) thinks about you. You have a right to be who you are, do what you want to do, and live your life in the way that makes you happiest. I've never kept anyone in my life, friends included, who have deliberately tried to hurt me. Yes, we do inadvertently hurt people we love, sometimes saying the wrong thing or doing something without thinking through all the consequences. That's different than someone saying what he knows will hurt you. The only way a control freak or an abuser will change (and the odds of them succeeding are very low) is if they REALLY WANT to change. Counseling with a GOOD therapist (remember, there's good and bad in every profession) might offer your partner more constructive ways to deal with his anger and get you both what you want and need from this relationship. But he's absolutely got to WANT to change - and so do you...it takes two to tango. My advice? If you decide to move on, get a restraining order, keep a log of all his actions, and visit your nearest victim center for more support. You didn't mention if the "horrible fights" involved physical violence, but I suspect if they haven't, they will, and girl, whatever else you want to call it, that ain't love.

Answer 6

I was in the same situation. Finally I put down my foot and forgotten about him. Well not completely but I have moved on and now in a relationship with a wonderful man. He helps me stay on the beaten path. I still have feelings for this crazed maniac but I can't go back to that.

Answer 7

Move away after you break up with him not tooo far just out of the city where you are so maybe he wont go all the way to where you live to upset you and if he does call the police. He sounds crazy.

Answer 8

I was in that exact situation....... I didn't know it at the time but he was addicted to drugs and that is what caused the crazy personality changes. Is that a possibility with him ? If not, could just be some kind of mental problem. It is SO hard but you need to move on. It is so unhealthy for both of you....

Answer 9

What would I do ? I just broke up with the jerk. You should do the same and dont look back. I will not go one more day with someone who says they love me but then acts like they dont. Actions speak louder than words.

Answer 10

If you really love him you'll learn to accept him no matter how much of a jerk he can be. On the other hand, if he's hurting you then you should talk to him and make your intentions clear to him.