Is it really worth it to stay in a loveless marriage for the sake of the children?

Question

Friends of mine are staying together in a loveless marriage because neither of them can afford to be on their own and don't want to "mess up" the kids. I think they are doing more harm to the kids by staying together than they would by divorcing. Anyone been in that situation, either way? What do you think?

Answer 1

The kids can sense the tension. And while it will hurt them for awhile if their parents split in the long run it will be better for them. My parents stayed together for me. But I knew they weren't happy. It tore me apart inside.

Answer 2

I don't think people should stay together for the kids. It's not teaching them how a healthy relationship should be. It's hard either way, but in the long run it's better if they just get a divorce. It's also a waste of time for the parents because the time they're wasting in a loveless marriage, they could be finding someone new.

Answer 3

Yes it is worth staying together, but not for the children's sake. A 'loveless' marriage is a self fulfulling prophecy kind of thing.
one feels no love from the other and begins to shut down thier love and the other reacts the same way.
it becomes ome retaliatory in it's escalation.
if your car isn't running, let's say out of gas. one person gets mad at the situation and icks the car. still not running. the other person also kicks it and then they beat the hel out of the car, slash the tires (damned worthless car!) break the windows, and finally destroy the drivetrain (after all it was a useless car at the beginning, right?).
Now they have created the situation themselves, the car was not worthless and only needed a minor thing, but not it Is in ruins and possibly not worth rebuilding, but it still CAN be rebuilt!
In like manner the marriage needs love pumped back into it and it will stop being a loveless marriage and as a marriage is infinitely more valuable than a car, it is ALWAYS worth saving

Answer 4

It depends-if one or the other parent is creating an abuse situation-verbal or physical, than the children will suffer so ending the marriage would be best for all. If, on the other hand, this couple have fallen out of love, I think they have a responsibility to work at being friends so the family remains intact. A loveless marriage is a marriage that either one or the other is not making any effort to maintain the relationship. Every marriage takes constant work.

Answer 5

I have tried that myself. It don't work. But before you jump out of the relationship you need to step back and ask yourself a few questions...
1. Is there anything that could be done to save the marriage?
2. Have you taken the steps to try and find the love you once had?
3. Is the fighting to the point that the children are involved either by sight or sound?
If you have tried to seek counseling and it didn't help, tried to find what you have lost in the relationship and can't find it, or there is abuse either physical or mental, then you need to move on.
Children live what they learn. Don't teach your child it is ok to hurt or be hurt. You can still provide a very loving lifestyle for your children without the parents being together. When the child is old enough to understand you have to let them know that mommy and daddy done everything they could to work together but sometimes it's just not enough. Make sure they know it is not their fault and that they are loved very much by both parents. And if one parent talks bad about the other in front of the child, don't do the same! NEVER under any circumstance let your child hear you say anything negative about their mother of father.
Try to keep the relationship as civil as you can so that your children will learn love and not hate.

Answer 6

My parents stayed together until I was 9 and my older sister was 12. That's when my dad decided he couldn't take it anymore. I didn't understand why at first, but now I do. With my parents, it was a good idea to stay together because my dad is a very patient man. My mom was cheating on him the entire time they were married, but he felt he had gotten himself into it, and he would have to wait to get out of it. Also, because my dad is such a caring person, he was able to explain to my sister and I the reasons for the divorce (though he didn't mention the cheating. He just said that things didn't work out.) He was good enough to tell us that even though him and my mom didn't love each other, they would always love us. For some people, like my dad, staying together is a good option. For others, who have no self control, it's not such a good idea. My parents never fought in front of us, so all I have is memories of a loving relationship. I think my dad being who he is really helped.

Answer 7

Yes, it is worth staying together for the kids. I've been in a challenging marriage for about 20 of the 24 I've been married. We have 5 kids together. You ask why would I stay with him. Well, that's easy. I love my children and they love their daddy. AND I made a COMMITMENT of for better or for worse 24 years ago before God and alot of my family and friends. My parents divorced when I was ten and it damaged me big time. It took until I was about 35 before I could come to grips with all the pain I went through. Better for them to decide to go to counseling and make a decision that they ARE going to make it work. Better for them to forgive each other for the hurts they've caused and move forward with anticipation that healing will take place if they both make a strong consistent effort to make their relationship a priority. Divorce is a selfish choice. It states clearly that "I" am the only important person here and it doesn't matter who I hurt.

Answer 8

No. If you're depending on a young child to keep your marriage together, then it's already over. I stayed with my soon to ex because of my personal issues. (My parents divorced when I was twelve. I saw my father regularly but we didn't have that father-son bond. It's hard to explain.) I didn't want my son seeing me as a stranger or another buddy. I wanted to be the dad, that man in his life. I realize now that the marriage was screwed from the getgo and that staying married would only add drama to my boy's life. If you're gonna work problems out, do so because you have a genuine love for your partner. If a couple has that then everything else will fall into place. With a little work.

Answer 9

I think divorces are expensive and if they are civil to eachother, they should stay and focus on raising the kids. Raising kids is tough with two people, let alone raising them on a split income. Maybe they are hitting a rough patch, sometimes time will heal that. But it's really no business of yours to advise either to divorce.

Your friend might be venting her frustrations out, which helps her not blow up at her husband. Just sympathize, but don't advise. This should be the friendship motto. If anything, she's a big girl and can figure it out herself. Right now, she just needs a friend.

To add to that- It is not better for the kids, because mom eventually finds another man, who doesn't love the kids as much and is usually an @$$hole to them and dad finds a girlfirend who's a total ***** to them. Kids who are in THIS kind of situation hate it- no matter how much mom LOVES her new boyfriend or how much PASSION dad has for his new girlfriend. They think it's totally gross if mom and dad aren't together! THAT"S A FACT!

Answer 10

I was married for 21 years, the last 11 in a terrible relationship. The last 3 in seperate bedrooms. My parents were very religious and insisted we needed to stay together for the kids. My husband didn't want divorced, he just wanted to have affairs and come home to his wife and kids.

It was the worst thing in the world that I ever did. If I had it to do all over again, I would've gotten divorced 11 years before. We did nothing but harm the kids.

One ended up beating up someone that he insisted he lost control and thought about how much he hated his dad and ended up in prison.

My daughter married one of the biggest losers. They are not happy, but don't want to admit it to anyone.

You don't realize how much impact your life has on your kids, but it does. If I had it to do all over again, I know the best thing to do would be get divorced. You aren't helping your kids by fighting all the time and you're setting a very bad example by letting your husband run all over you.

Answer 11

there is no right or wrong to this question. i grew up in my parents' terrible marriage. they fought all the time but in the end they make up. that doesn't mean they love each other. they got married cuz their parents arranged it. i was born in this arranged wedlock. my childhood was unhappy but at least i still got my parents. i was really afraid that if they got divorce, i have to live with one of them, and not going to see the other one again. so i rather have them argued all the time because in the end they'll make up and sort things out. Well this is my story, but I have a friend who has a different perspective. He hates to see his parents at each other's neck, so he decided to run away. His folks got worried, call the cops, and he was brought home. They sat down, talked for a long time, and knew that things wouldn't work out because they will have another fight again and my friend Rory was tired of living in that troubled relationship. So the parents got divorced and Rory is now living with one for the week and spending time with the other on the weekend. If it were me, I would never to have my parents broken up. So when this situation came, just ask the kids about this. Their opinions weight more in this whole ordeal.