Hubby changed mind on wanting kids...now what?

Question

Before we got married, my husband said he'd like to have at least one child. He knew I wanted more, but I was willing to accept to have just one. Seven years later (and 3 years of trying but not being successful) he's decided that he doesn't want a child. Unfortunately for me, though, I think that's the right decision for him. I don't know what breaks my heart more....that we aren't getting pregnant or that he doesn't want to. I can't force him into something like this...that isn't right at all. Divorce is not an option...I love him, and besides, even if we did divorce what if I can't conceive....where would that get me? I'm trying to accept this, our vows are very sacred to me. However, I don't feel in the mood much because it is a horrendous reminder that 1)we are having unprotected sex but not getting pregnant and 2) he doesn't want a child of our own. How do I cope?

Answer 1

I think you need to ascertain why he has changed his mind and decide whether this decision can be reviewed.

My thinking is that many husbands/partners find it difficult the pressure of trying to conceive a baby. If that pressure has been there for three years with the resultant disappointment each month, that impacts on your sex life and motivation I guess.

His decision may be trying to save you further heartache?
Trying to save himself further heartache?

Where there are conception difficulties, stress can be unbelievable and a major strain on relationships - there are lots of divorces for IVF couples. Are you sure the two of you have not considered the stress you have been under, and how your sadness/anger/grief impacts on the relationship?

Given that you have been trying for three years, I am wondering why you have not checked out if there was a medical reason inhibiting conception for either of you? Knowing you are both ok medically releases a lot of mental pressure.

I feel that I am not answering your specific question about dealing with his decision and how you "cope" but, I think before you go down that path of giving up on your dream, you get clear on your husband's reasonings, and if there is a way of reconsidering. I am sure you know of many cases where couples have given up on having a baby and then suddenly they are - doctors think they have relaxed.

I feel terribly sorry you have had a difficult few years trying to achieve your dream, but you are obviously a very strong person to keep going over all that time. So you will cope with this - but take positive action now to ensure any decision is based on correct understandings of each other's perspective.

Answer 2

You are in a very difficult situation.. ultimately you must decide whether to put your own needs before your husbands....

Your husband said that he did want a child before you were married and you were prepared to accept this even though you knew you wanted more. Now he's decided that he doesn't want a child at all. You are right to feel upset and hurt and to be frank if I were you I would also be feeling a little betrayed.

My last relationship ended when I knew my partner didn't and never wanted children, ultimately I wanted something different and didn't see any future in our relationship.... yes I loved him, but I felt very resentful and knew in time that this resentment would build up. I'm now married with a child and another on the way.

You need to make the difficult decision about sacrificing your marriage for a family or spending a lifetime with your husband always yearning for a child... personally that would break me.

You can go to the doctor and explain your sensitive situation and ask for fertility tests for you only.

You never know, your husband may be secretly feeling like a failure as he hasn't made you pregnant and may be embarrassed about getting further tests done and that's why he's putting up the walls now. He may have even had a vasectomy to prevent the pregnancy, which I hope he hasn't done as this would be very cruel to you.

Go to the doctor first, get some tests done and then make up your mind....

Good luck.... I really do feel for you.

Answer 3

If he is 1: unwilling to have a child and 2: you do not want to leave him and 3: he would not want to adopt or go any fertility routes..then I guess you need to work out what sort of life the two of you will have together.
If there are to be no children then there needs to be something for you both; hobbies, trips etc. I know a couple who married in their 20's (now in their 70's) who decided to not have children and are having a great life together. Of course they miss not having children and grandchildren to boast about to their friends, but they love one another and they have been able to pursue some expensive hobbies and studies as they have no children to support. It seems to work for them.
I worry though that you have not yet laid your dreams to rest and I don't think you can sacrifice such a biological pull just because your husband doesn't want the same thing. Tell him how you feel about having a child and why it is so important to you. I don't know what your fertility situation is but maybe if you don't set your heart on children and just decide to enjoy each other and begin taking up new hobbies and interests, you could actually fall pg in time because you aren't trying so hard. If not, you still have each other and I am sure you will have an interesting life together.

Answer 4

Sorry this has happened. Sometimes I guess with the reality of life and how people see it causes them to change their mind. Maybe he is afraid to now have a child. I know that some people try so hard and become almost driven to have a child that it ruins the relationship. Haven't unprotected sex with your husband shouldn't be an issue if you both have been faithful. There is a lot of responsibility having a child and maybe your husband actually realized it or is extremely frustrated that you haven't become pregnant yet. Don't put so much pressure on him and I am sure he will come around. I know that you really want to get pregnant but be patient and try to understand his perspective. You can both get fertility tested, it is a lot easier for him 1st. Good luck to you and your husband.

Added: Until you have your own children you don't really know how it is to feel the love for their child a parent has. Once he has one he will change.

Answer 5

I am sure that I am not the only person that is going to give you this advice but I would seriously consider seeing a marriage counselor. You guys have some serious issues that you need to work through and if you were communicating with him then you wouldn't be here communicating with us. I know how you feel though about having sex knowing that you aren't doing it to conceive. I had a hysterectomy over two years ago and I still have problems being sexual with my husband. The issues of why sex was created in the first place have been completely thrown out of the window when you have a hysterectomy and also if you can't have children. So in that respect I can sympathize but as far as your husband and his change of heart I can only suggest a lot of talks between the both of you and counseling if you can't get through this on your own.

Answer 6

Wow, a lot of questions there.
even if we did divorce what if I can't conceive - You could adopt. If you remain together, adoption is also an option. There are many children that need a good home and loving parents.

How do I cope? - If you are having trouble coping (and probably some issues discussing this with your husband) see a counselor. Just having someone to help you talk through this can be a big help.

Answer 7

My ex husband tricked me into a marriage with a similar promise. That was 7 years ago. Not only did he take that promise away from me, he was also very verbally and mentally abusive. I finally got rid of him, but still have wasted 7 years of my most fertile years on a waster.

DIVORCE is an option. You deserve to be a mother , it is your natural right. Just get pregnant to him..ask your doctor for some fertility enhancing drugs without him knowing, whats he gonna do? Run off and leave you? If you think he might , then WHY do you love a man like that. Get shot of him and find someone who wants you to be the mother of their child.

Answer 8

You will find the strength from somewhere sweetheart, you have too. My husband didn't want kids, I got pregnant { we were using protection}, he went up the wall angry. Said I had done it purposely which I hadn't then after a very few weeks he came around to the idea. Then at 16 weeks I lost our baby, he was as distraught as I was. I went on to conceive again this time with his blessing, I spent 71/2 months in bed due to other medical problems, then when I delivered our son I nearly died. It didn't stop me wanting more though, we had another 4 miscarriages after we only have one son, but he is treasured beyond belief. Never give up hope, your husband may come around,my husband did. Good luck sweetheart, my heart bleeds for you I can sense your sorrow in your question. I really don't know what advice to give you keep you chin up ...xxxx

Answer 9

If you really want a child the best thing for you to do is 1) Pray about it - Tell God you want a child 2) Sit down and discuss it with him. 3) Let him see reasons why you want a child of own 4) the two of you must agree to it because if you don't agree no matter the number of times you make love you may never be pregnant. The bible says if two shall agree concerning a thing it shall be granted.

Answer 10

I know a family member who went through this as well. It is going to take time to heal, and it sounds like you are honoring your feelings and putting them out there. Seek professional help - a counselor you can bounce your feelings off of.

My suggestions is to separate the "sexual act" from the "the act of trying to conceive" a child. This may be difficult, but try. When you can do this you will enjoy sex with your husband again. Keep the communication lines open.

In the meantime, to fulfill your need to be motherly; perhaps you can volunteer at a library to read to children. Volunteer at your local school. Try to get involved in something where you can feel you are contributing to children - even if not your own.

You love your husband, that is good. Now you have to deal with your feelings of betrayal (wanting kids, not wanting kids... must feel like betrayal. But people change their minds) and of loss.

I wish you the best of luck. My family member got through it and I know you can too - Good Luck